Trying to sort out my daughter's financial mess

standupguy

dancingfairy wrote: »

You seem to be doing an awful lot to help her out - is she with you on this one or does she just think oh mum and dad will sort it out?
Also she's 22 don't you think that once she has a budget she needs to learn to stick to it rather than you having control over her bank account?
It's understandable that you want to help but you appear to be trying to take over a bit - whether it's fear of what a mess she's got herself in or guilt (for not teaching her enough money management skills) or what I just think maybe you need to take a step back and guide her to the solutions.
df

With comments like that it looks like you have not had the pleasure of errant offspring!

What's the view like up on the moral highground?

dancingfairy

At 22 she could have gone to uni and learnt to manage her money - shes a social/care type worker - she's obviously intelligent and I just think it would help her more to learn herself rather than relying on mum/dad to sort it for her.
She spent the money /got herself in a pickle and I'm sure she can sort it out.
df

Ames

I agree with DF, I got into a mess in my early 20s, asked dad for help and he didn't want to know, even with things like helping me budget. I learnt quickly and found a way out of the mess. My sister's in her mid 20s and dad keeps bailing her out and she's just digging a bigger mess for herself. Tough love works better. If she doesn't learn for herself, she'll probably just end up in this situation again later on.

Nukumai

dancingfairy wrote: »

I've highlighted some of your statements you have made - see how it comes across to an outsider?

To this 'outsider' it comes across as a concerned, but caring, parent making every effort to help their child to get out of a pickle.

I'm a parent, with a daughter around the same age as OP's; and I would have some difficulty thinking of a situation that I would not offer her my full support - financial or otherwise. There is a time and a place for blame-apportionment and recriminations.

Good luck OP.

kingfisherblue

Nukumai wrote: »

To this 'outsider' it comes across as a concerned, but caring, parent making every effort to help their child to get out of a pickle.

I'm a parent, with a daughter around the same age as OP's; and I would have some difficulty thinking of a situation that I would not offer her my full support - financial or otherwise. There is a time and a place for blame-apportionment and recriminations.

Good luck OP.

My daughter is a little younger, but I echo waht Nukmai says. The OP seems caring and concerned about her daughter and the situation. I also think that primrose has a good point about the OP getting her daughter involved in sorting it all out, but this might be easier said than done!

Denis_UK

If she should lose the car why not consider leasing,with the state of the car industry there are some great deals to be had as low as £110 per month. The beauty of it is at the end of her HP agreement her car will be worth a fraction of its showroom value,if you lease the leasing company take the loss.

Hootie19

We’re making progress!

Thank you again for all your support. I do appreciate (most of) your comments.

NGlady - thank you. She had no option but to own up – we were heartily sick of getting creditors on the phone to her on practically a daily basis. I knew she was struggling when she had to keep “borrowing” money for petrol just to get to her clients’ homes.

Alenax – you know, us mothers aren’t ALL ogres you know . Chances are, your mother will have an instinctive inkling that something’s now quite right. Good luck with sorting out your own debts.

Blackpool_Saver - no, not preachy at all!

GeorgeUK – Yes, I’m sure the credit card statement will be enough proof that the arrears have been paid. My husband did get a reference number from them, so that’s more proof.

Standupguy – I will update in my next post with the information from my daughter’s telephone call with the HP company this morning, but I *think* we’re ok. She definitely hasn’t paid more than one-third of the amount though. Thank you for the advice about not leaving it on the road outside the house. My worry, after reading your post, was that she’d park outside a client’s house and come out to find the car gone!

Dancingfairy - yes, I can see where you’re coming from, and yes I do accept that I’m being a bit draconian. However, although I have posted that *I* am doing XYZ, it’s also my intention to have her with me when we’re sorting out her budget, and doing a weekly planner. She would quite happily hand it over to me lock, stock and barrel, but as you say, that’s not teaching her anything and isn’t likely to prevent a recurrence of her present position. However, with respect, you don’t know my daughter, and university isn’t for everyone. Just because someone goes to university does not automatically mean they learn to manage money. I’m hoping that by keeping a close eye on what she’s doing, and helping her budget, she’ll learn from this and be more able to cope in the future.

Primrose – see my reply to Dancingfairy. Yes, she is dumping on me, but to be fair, I did say to her I would take over for the time being until we got her out of the present mess. She has made the phone calls herself today, despite me saying to her that if she wanted me to, I would speak to the companies if she asked them if that was ok. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone shake so violently, she was so nervous! She has been to the CAB and they gave her a pack to fill out her income and expenditure, which she has “filed”. They wanted to refer her to a money adviser, but I’m hoping that between us, we can sort her out. She hasn’t got that many debts, and if she can just up her income a little bit, I think she’ll be able to manage, although it’ll be tight.

Ames – I’m certainly not bailing her out. She will be repaying every penny of the money she owes us, plus she will be made to pay every penny she owes. Someone suggested to me that she declared herself bankrupt. No way! She got herself into the mess, now she’s finding out how wrong she’s been and will have to live with the consequences.

Nukuami and kingfisherblue – thank you. I cannot imagine a situation either, where any of my children would be in trouble, self imposed or otherwise, and me not being willing to help them.

Dennis_UK – I don’t think she’d have much of a chance of leasing, as her credit rating is bound to be shot to pieces. And that’s another reason why we’re helping her to the extent we are – we also have a poor record when it comes to dealing with debt, and have a poor credit rating as a result. We are slowly rebuilding ours, and having her at this address, with all the credit problems she’s brought back with her, will adversely affect it. This will help all of us.

Ames

Don't worry about your credit rating, it goes on names not addresses. Unless you have any joint financial products with your daughter then her rating wont affect yours.

I'm glad you're not just bailing her out, make sure she's involved and on board every step of the way. At her age it'll be easy for her to either hand over control to you and not learn her lesson, or start to resent the steps that you're 'making' her take and rebel. I'm not saying that's how it is, just how she might twist things, I know I would have done.

Hootie19

Further update on this morning.

My daughter telephoned the HP company and said that her father had paid off the arrears and could they tell her what happens now. The lady on the phone said that the account was now up to date, and everything is fine.

Now this is good news, BUT I wish she'd asked for confirmation that the agreement has been reinstated and will continue as usual! I'm going to have to get her to ring them again, as I'm on edge the whole time, every time a car goes past our house (we live in a Close, so there's no through traffic) and get confirmation that we're not going to get a knock on the door from the bailiffs.

Then I showed her that on her bank statements were two direct debits of £60something had been taken in December and January by the HP company and asked her what those were for. She said she didn't know. So I got her to call her bank and ask if they could tell her. They were unable to advise, so I got her to call the HP company and ask them.

It turned out that in October, she had telephoned them about arrears (must only have been one month in arrears at that point) and had agreed to pay the arrears off over three months - December, January and February. (This is fairly typical of my daughter unfortunately. I can imagine the scenario - she would have rang them after getting a letter from them and had just agreed to whatever they'd asked without actually working out if she could afford it.) The two direct debits in December and January were paid - the two direct debits for the original loan amount were bounced. Sigh.

Anyway, we have written to her bank asking them to ensure that no further direct debits are taken (but I think that's a waste of time, as I'm sure the February one would have been applied for as it was due on/around 7th) and written to the HP company asking them to confirm that no further direct debits of that amount will be applied for.

Then we looked at her bank statements, and noted all the bank charges. After asking on the bank charges forum here, we have written a letter to the bank, citing financial hardship, and requesting that they repay her the £410. If they say no, we're no worse off, and if they agree, then we're "in the money" so to speak. She currently has an unauthorised overdraft (since they withdrew her £400 facility) of £117, so hopefully that will clear the overdraft there, and leave some money over to pay some of the credit card debt.

The credit card is the one thing that we haven't tackled yet. She is out walking the dog at the moment (she was getting upset, and to be truthful, I was getting a bit irritated, so I slung her and the dog out!) and after lunch we will sit down and do a clearer SOA and see what we can offer the credit card company. I will get her to ring them and see if they can just freeze the account and stop adding interest, and accept a low payment for the time being, at least until she has increased her income, by whatever means.

So all in all, I think we've had a fairly productive morning. Her bank statement is produced on 11th of each month, so once that comes in, we can see what state the bank's in and decide how best to address her financial issues.

I produced a sheet on the computer for her to keep in the car and fill out exactly what miles she does for each journey, personal and work, so that we can make sure she's claiming the correct mileage back from her employer and also so we can see where her petrol is going. We put £25 in the tank on Sunday, which half filled the tank. When I got into her car yesterday lunchtime to move it, there was only a quarter of a tank left. Now I asked her to drop my youngest son off at his friend's house on Sunday evening, and she was gone for hours after that, so I suspect she has been off gadding about it the car. I will NOT be impressed if that is the case, as I struggled to find the £25 to put the petrol in, and it was made quite clear to her that it was for work only, and not for her to be off gadding about with her friends.

However, that said, she did have some extra calls yesterday, which did involve a lot of to-ing and fro-ing, so although I don't think it accounts for all that petrol, it will have contributed towards the consumption.

Her dad and I need to sit with her this evening and have a proper talk about her car useage.

While she was out at a late call last evening, I went through the DWP website and found about 20 nursery jobs that would be suitable for her. She has accepted that she can't realistically stay in the job she's in - it's just not going to be financially viable. Some of the jobs she has already applied for, and quite a few have been placed by the same company, so she will go through the list today and apply for the ones that she thinks she can do.

So - progress has been made. If we can crack the "problem" of the fuel consumption, and sort out payment plan with the credit crd company, I think we'll be on our way.

Anyone care to speculate what our chances are of getting the credit card company to freeze the account and accept the offer of a small payment each month?

Thank you all again and again for your support. I feel quite wiped out with all this!

property.advert

You are wasting your time paying off any arrears on the car. Try to get that refunded. Her total income does not allow her to pay for the car, tax and insure it and put petrol in it. That is before any other expenditure.

I'd advise you to stop worrying about pennies on mobile phone contracts when there are far greater issues to worry about.

You need to resolve the car issue - now. Play ignorant and try to get your money back. She has another 54 or so payments to make on the car. Can you really see her doing that ?

Either she starts to earn £1000 a month or more or chuck the car now and don't waste any more money on it. Cancel the insurance. Sort out the overdrafts with a repayment plan.