Advise - Cancer

torikate

Hi.
im not sure if Im posting this in the right place but could really use some advise. My best freind has just found out her Mum has cancer. Its untreatable and she has about 5 yrs left i lost my mum very suddenly 6 yrs ago (when i was 15) so have no idea how to handle this. i want to be there for her but just find it so hard. Her mum grew up with mine and they are very alike. I want to be there for her (and her little boy) as much as possible but have no idea how. At the moment I have only spoke to her online and on the phone as I am quite upset...cant imagine how she feels. Obviously i want to be strong and offer her as much support as I can. Any advise would be really appreciated. Thank you.
Tori xXx

milliemonster

Hi Tori, you sound like a fantastic friend and one I wish I had had when my mum was diagnosed with cancer. At the time, my mum was told there was lots that could be done and everyone in the family was positive, except me, I am a nurse and tbh knew in my heart she would die, I gave her five years and it was almost to the day.

The best advice I can give you is don't ignore the subject, the fact you don't know what to say is understandable and there is nothing you can say or do to make things better, but the one thing I found was people would avoid even discussing the subject or even ask about my mum and I found this very hard to deal with. Just always make a point of asking your friend how she is, how her mum is, how the family are coping and be guided by her reaction if she wants to talk or not, there will be times she will, and times she won't and change the subject.

At the moment, they will all have to come to terms with the shock of this news, but you will find that in time, things will carry on as normal and you should try to treat her as though everything is normal, just be guided by how she is feeling, you don't have to be saying anything specific, just let her know that you are there for her whenever she wants to talk, laugh, cry etc, that's the best advice I can give you. The time you give her will be priceless

hulagirl79

Hi Tori
You do sound like a lovely friend.
My mum has termial cancer and i can say the best help any of my friends have been is when i know i can just call them and they will be there just to listen to me moan, cry or just feel angry.
xx

torikate

Thank u so much for replying. The worst thing is My friend works with dying cancer patients so knows first hand what will happen. I've told her how i'm always here etc and offered babysitting whenever she needs it etc. Her mum is coping very well atm but im sure thats just the shock. I'm keeping my phone on 24/7 as I dont want her to be awake at night etc, I'd rather she called me and she knows this. It just all feels so unfair. When my mum died it was a matter of 30 mins, first she was fine, the next dead. I have no idea how i would cope having to watch my mum suffer. I think it is also on her mums mind what happened to my mum....they were friends for 42 yrs. I just wish i could do something.
Tori x

jack*tigger

Just do as you are doing. Keep the hugs and the tissues handy and just be there for them all.

When things have settled down a little try watching the film "The Bucket List" - it's about 2 guys dying of cancer and they make a list of all the things they want to do before they die. It's morbid in a way but if your friend's mum made a list you can help her achieve things while she can. It will give her something positive to do and some happy memories for your friend and her family. Make a scrapbook of the happy times so they have something to remind them when things get sad.

fran-o

Hi Tori - just wanted to point you in the direction of Macmillan website which has lots of information for anyone affected by cancer -

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Ifsomeoneelsehascancer/Ifsomeoneelsehascancer.aspx

savingmummy

Her knowing your there for her throughout is all you need to do.
She probably knows this is close to home for you too, maybe you could let her do the talking and be a shoulder for her - helps when you don`t know what to say.
Don`t forget to share your feeling both now and back to when your mum was ill it helps to have someone around who has/is experiencing the same pain.

I know your friend is a nurse and works alongside cancer patients but when its your family/friend it is different you sort of lose your professional side. The good thing is she is aware of whats happening and won`t be confused regarding care and illness with her mum. It is very hard dealing with someone terminal and as already given the Macmillan help/support is fantastic.
You can get leaflets from them regarding `how to cope` might be worth you getting some for proffessional tips on how to manage x

Wol2

Hi t

What a lovely friend you are - and how upsetting for you in view of the fact your mums were so close.

Personally I think the most important thing, when supporting someone who is going through this, is to make sure that you are providing "unconditional" support - i.e. no strings attached, no hidden agendas (like your own feelings).

My sis was recently diagnosed and she has decided to "go it alone" without the family. I am not upset - and am actually pleased (and relieved) she made that decision. I understand first hand having been in the same situation myself 10 years previous, as my family has a habit of stepping in and trying to take over.......but in order to assuage their own emotions..:o...harsh but true.

Having said that - torikate, you sound like a great supportive friend and ally to have on board at this time. You actually have experienced the loss of your mum (and suddenly) .....:grouphug::grouphug:. So, I know it;s painful but, what would you have wished for at the time in terms of support from a friend?
You can offer two types of support
a) practical - childcare etc etc
b) emotional
Be clear about the two.

The practical is easy to sort out - the emotional is more difficult. Of course you yourself will be upset - and don;t be afraid to say so to her...(as long as she won;t hook into and start to feel responsible and guilty for your emotions and also that you don;t expect to get any support for you from her). It might help her to to know other people are upset and helps validate her own feelings....but your feelings while valid should in no way try and dominate hers.

In the first few weeks of the shock of diganosis, some people may only want to communicate at a distance - ie via email or text. Be patient..keep emailing/texting. Above all , make sure your communicaton refers supportively to what she is going through and don;t talk about yourself, or be judgmental or dictate about what she should or shouldnt do or feel.

Be positive for HER - she still has her whole life ahead of her....

I can see you're very upset about the prognosis....and there WILL be a time and place when you will be able to share that with her in a mutually constructive way...but to be honest you may have to make the decision to put your own feelings "on hold" when speaking to her if you truly wish to support your friend.

Therefore it is also very important that you yourself have your own support network.

To give you an example - I support my sister with very positive stuff about what she has to look forward to...by email - she is not up to a visit yet having only just been diagnosed. .I deal with rest of the family doom and gloom merchants...counteracting their negatives with my positives.......and then come onto my diary and cry my eyes out and in turn get support and strength from the wonderful peepies here

Finally I was originally told by my mum that my sis had 6 months to live. I didn;t believe it and it turns out my mum got her facts mixed up (as is natural in these situations). My sis has every chance of making a full recovery (and she will). I know of two other people who were given 6 months with other types of cancer, and are still alive 7 years later.

Hope is all we have - So...by all means be pragmatic - but please don;t expect the worst just because of the statistical diagnosis....determination and positivity are key and your friend's mum needs that to help her atm, from her daughter and from family and friends.


Sorry might be rambling a bit - but hope this makes sense.

I wish you and your friend mutually supportive and constructive friendship during this sad and worrying time for you both.

xxxx

torikate

Thank you once again for taking the time to reply. I really do appreciate it. The website was very helpfull...thank you! I have sent My friend an email this morning reminding her that Im always here etc. I've told her I want to help as much as possible but will wait for her to come to me as Im sure right now she is all over the place. I know its going to take some time to sink in for her so I will just have to sit tight.
Wol2 thank you for your reply...It gives me a bit of insight as to how things may go from here. When I spoke to her last night we spoke about how her Mum may live longer and if not, five years is a long time to make all her dreams happen....This is what we are going to try and consentrate on. As you say I have the experience of my Mum passing away so can use this as positivally as i can.
Thank you again for your replies.
Tori xXx

Errata

HTH - you'll be a friend beyond price if you are simply 'there' for your friend and are the safe harbour she can call on for anything and everything. Listen to her and let her ramble on if she needs to, her head will probably be like a kaleidoscope just now. Don't assume anything, and accept her emotions will be swinging about like a weathervane in a gale. Don't be surprised at anger, or black humour.
If you know which cancer it it is, the UK Cancer Research site is a mine of information and goes into things in quite some depth. http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/

travelgran

A close colleague died recently of cancer. A number of things she said spring to mind which may help a little.
A friend whose response had focussed on her own reactions to being told her friend had cancer. The cancer sufferer had ended up having to comfort her.
At times just wanting other people to take the initiative and ring her rather than her ringing them as she knew she could.
Planning things to look forward to within her new time-scale. Arranging for herself a 'treat' a month often with another friend taking part.
Good luck to you both!