Help! Spendaholic Friends and Constant Guilt...

twistedmoosie

Hello all,

Could really do with some advice on how to keep spendaholic friends at bay!

I'm a young professional working in the City and it does feel like I'm constantly trying to 'keep up with the Joneses' on an income that's about a quarter of my peers' due to the debts I'm paying back each month. For example, one of the girls I live with thinks nothing of spending £200 on a night out each week, and buys in the region of £400 of clothes/shoes/bags each month. My whole budget for buying the things I need and having a social life is £250 per month by comparison, which I only let myself have after a year of restricting myself to get my spending habits under control. Making this work with friends who have utterly different attitudes can be very difficult e.g. they persuade you to stay out in town and refuse to go home at a reasonable time so that you end up having to chip into a very expensive taxi, or constantly buy you rounds even when you ask them not to so that you feel guilty for not buying one back, or take great pleasure in showing you the new designer handbag their parents bought them 'just because'. It's especially frustrating when you've been honest about your debts to them but because its beyond their experience it doesn't sink in.

I've managed in the past year to follow the advice on this site, stop overspending each month, and move my debt around to less sources (each of them about a quarter of the interest I was paying before!). I'm lucky to have an incredibly supportive partner who has spent the last year staying in with me and helping me budget. But the guilt I feel over not 'keeping up with friends' by stopping going out so much or going on holiday with them, basically not having the means to keep up with their desired lifestyle, is really getting me down - I just don't know how much honest I can be with them to make them understand. Anyone else have a story to share or have any advice?

Thanks for your help everyone!

twistedmoosie

Forgot to say, I'm looking at a debt of £18k to pay back at the moment, which I've faced up to as no small amount for a 25 year old on a salary of £2100 per month.

dancingfairy

Your 'friends/housemates' don't sound overly supportive - you've explained what you're doing and why and I guess you have to accept that you're lucky that you've had this experience young - she might be wracking up card debts left right and centre - I guess you don't know and if things did come crashing down around her it'll be a steep learning curve for her.
Just think of the future I guess and how much better off you'll be in the end and how you have a bit more compassion and life experience than some people.
df

Red_Fraggle_3

I think most people have friends like that to some level even my Dd whos 15 has that at school friends parents treat them to Jack Wills stuff (if DD wants it she has to use the money from her job and I still get annoyed by it lol) I have managed to get rid of my debts but at the time my then friend used to go shopping every day made me feel bad but in hindsight i'm in a better position now. Good luck dont really think I have helped :-)

poppy_f1

i have a friend who wanted to go out every weekend, it took a good few weeks of me saying i was skint for her to get the hint that i was in debt and couldnt afford it

Snow_White_5

If your friend is spending £200 per week on nights out and £400 on clothes etc. then that's at least £1200 per month she's forking out. If she's on a similar wage to you, £2100 a month, then that means she has around £900 left for rent, bills, transport, holidays etc. Doesn't sound much for London. Are you sure she's not in debt herself? Or do her parents subsidise her?

It's a tricky one; I'm not really sure to what I can advise personally. Most of my friends earn around the same or less than me, so it's never really been an issue. (One of them did sneer at me because I pay for my holidays upfront rather than putting them on a cc though!!). One couple I know are high earners but also very MSE, so going out with them isn't a problem.

If your mates are buying you rounds when you specifically say you don't want them to, well that's beyond annoying. But if they want to stay out late an get a taxi home, you can't really blame them for that.

Wee_Pilsbury

twistedmoosie wrote: »

Hello all,

feel like I'm constantly trying to 'keep up with the Joneses' on an income that's about a quarter of my peers' due to the debts I'm paying back each month. For example, one of the girls I live with thinks nothing of spending £200 on a night out each week, and buys in the region of £400 of clothes/shoes/bags each month.

Why try to keep up with the Joneses?. They are probably financing their desired lifestyle through plastic and will come unstuck in the end! Your friends don't seem that supportive but I think all you can do is repeat what you've said before about trying to cut down until eventually it sinks in!

One thing I would do (and I know it's difficult) is speak to your friends individually and not when you are in the throes of a boozy night out - pick a quiet moment when it's just you and one other. Then, cut right to the chase and tell them you can't keep up with them, tell them why and ask them not to put pressure on you to spend money you don't have. To be honest, plain speaking may be the answer here with no room left for them to doubt that you really mean it. If after that they don't change, well, maybe they aren't really good friends after all.

Just my thoughts. Good luck on whatever you decide.

caeler

Sounds tough. I think you already know the answer. Sounds like you previously made yourself get under control and you've now realised its sliding. I think you've got to do whatever it takes to get it back. Why not join a gym and get obsessive?! ie. you pay the initial outlay which could be expensive then you must always go, therefore not spending anything else!

I often find some of the challenges on here are good fun and keep me focused - £2 savers club, No spend days, etc. Plus all of the vouchers, etc.

It must be doubly hard living and working in the city, all the temptation!

little_h_2

I really sympathise. I don't work in the city but I do work in finance with lots of other very well paid people and I have lots of debt which I want to clear as soon as possible, and it's difficult finding a balance!

I learnt a really good tip off my friend when I was working in the West End and going out for drinks after work. She would just politely decline rounds and said she would get her own drinks. She used to make a joke of being a meanie (which of course she wasn't, she was just being sensible) but she stuck to her guns. If people offered her a drink, she would explain that she couldnt do rounds and if someone insisted she said thank you and smiled and accepted a drink. Other than that she just got her own, she explained she found it hard to keep track of her moeny and people left her to it.

I do the same now You could maybe do that, and explain that you can only afford to come out if you do it this way. You could always make something up about getting lumbered with an ex's debt or having to help parents out or something

After a while, people knew that she would just get her own and no one even questioned it.

In the past I have spent my money on racing my motorbike and when I was doing this, I had to be really careful what I spent on everything else. but again people knew that was the choice and the sacrifice I made to do it. I also got very good at buying shoes in New Look for £15 a pair that looked quite similar to £400 pairs

ultimately you are working hard to pay your bills and they are being silly with their money, both sides are entitled to do as they please. don't let them make you feel bad though, you will feel great when everything is paid off and can afford the odd taxi fare without worrying so much about it

twistedmoosie

Thank you so much everyone for the positive advice, I'm overwhelmed (in a good way!). Some great tips on here to live by in the coming months. I started with the 'plain speaking' one last night using the analogy of spending in an entire month on social things the amount my friend spends in one night - only time will tell if it sinks in.

She is parent-subsidised but like a lot of you say, that's no reason to be silly with cash. Incidentally, she opened up to how scared she is of her overdraft even though ultimately her parents help her out, so maybe us speaking will have a positive effect on her too - a quiet part of me hopes that she sees my attitude to things like rounds and starts to change herself (I'll definitely be using the tip on that one, thanks little_h!).

Most of all, nice to know I'm not the only one, and that the happy hindsight time is yet to come. See you all on the challenges

bargainbetty

It's also worth remembering the strength you have - you have really come a long way in sorting your debts, so use the same focus to avoid being 'persuaded' so much. If invited for drinks, tell them you will buy your own, because you are only staying for two, and getting intoa round wouldn't be fair.

Then, after two, leave. Get your last train/bus home, and let them pay for a cab if they want to. A few of those evenings, and they will see you are sticking to your guns.

Or, could you invite them over for a girls night at yours? Home-made face-packs, DVDs, chick flicks, stupid party games.... and everyones stays over, so no cab fares. Everyone brings a pot of lotion and a bottle of wine, and you put out some nibbles (MSE style). Give them an alternative option to getting bladdered in the city - believe me, the novelty has probably worn off for most of them.

Good luck x