OK, is it me? ......

comping_cat

I can understand what OP is saying, but my ex definatly doesnt pay anywhere near half the childrens living expenses, refuses to help with anything else, as he pays CSA, and then regularly takes foreign holidays with his wife and her children (not his, and never invites his own, in fact, only sees them once a month, if that, and all of his own doing, not me keeping them from him). I could moan and be bitter, but at the end of the day, i have 2 wonderful children, and although its a struggle, i feel proud that im the one providing for them. Every case is different, there are lots out there who do try and rip their exs off, but there are also ones that dont.

crazyscientist

There's no right or wrong answers here - only opinions, tainted by (often bitter) experience.

At the end of the day, an absent father (or mother) should pay the main carer a reasonable amount towards their offspring. This is unrelated to the amount of time the kids spend with the absent parent.

The comment about the parent with care not "paying half" i disagree with - what parent living with their child/children doesnt spend a VAST proportion of their wages on a roof / food / bills / clothes etc for the kids?? Any spare money then usually goes on treats or holidays - from which the kids benifit. So i think its wrong to argue that parents with care pay less than 25% of their wages towards the upkeep of their children.

Sevendayweekend, i agree that the majority of posts on here are from people with problems - we rarely hear about the happy stories.

As a child my mum didnt get a penny from my father despite years of trying. However, as an adult my OH has 3 daughters and he pays far more to their Mum than the CSA would ever demand him to - plus school trips, uniforms, clothes etc.

He adores his children and would do anything for them. But maybe we're lucky - both he, me and his ex are sensible people with the kids best interest's at heart. Of course OH and ex disagree on things, but there's arguing in front of the kids. She has never slagged me off to them and i would never say anything bad about her to the kids.

There are massive difference between the way the kids are treated and behave at our house and at their home. When they are older they'll come to realise the reasons for this and then make an educated choice about how they want to bring up their children.

I can't see any point in saying negative things about their homelife now when they are too young to fully understand or do anything about it. If OH and ex agreed on fundamental issues they would never have split up in the first place !!! - so there is always bound to be conflict. Its the way that the adults deal with it that matters - without involving or hurting the children.

black-saturn

Maybe if the OP had experienced the situation she would know what it's really like I wish the CSA didnt take anything from my children's father. I want nothing to do with him and neither do they and I could easily stand on my own two feet.

seven-day-weekend

black-saturn wrote:

Maybe if the OP had experienced the situation she would know what it's really like I wish the CSA didnt take anything from my children's father. I want nothing to do with him and neither do they and I could easily stand on my own two feet.

Yes, I appreciate I've no first-hand experience, and the only personal second-hand experience I have is two blokes who were ripped off by their ex-wives (apart from what I've seen posted on forums). Both are good decent guys who lost everything and then got taken to the cleaners and one even ended up having to live with us because he had no money left to do anything else.

I know two couples who stayed together until the kids had grown up ... that's another option. Their kids have grown up having both parents and not being made to make a choice.

>>neither do they << They've told you this?

Thanks anyway, all of you for your input and I suppose what it comes down to is that we must think of the children first and do whatever is right for them.

chugalug

seven-day-weekend wrote:

But quite often the other person has given up all rights to the marital home so it's still unequal.

In my case I had my own home both times but I appreciate that's not always the case.

IMO, if both parties bring a child into the world they both have a responsibility to that child - emotional, physical and financial. Whether you split up or not, it doesn't change your responsibility towards your child/children.

seven-day-weekend

Just meant to say in my post above that it was the wives who broke the marriage up in each of the situations I've mentioned.

seven-day-weekend

chugalug wrote:

IMO, if both parties bring a child into the world they both have a responsibility to that child - emotional, physical and financial. Whether you split up or not, it doesn't change your responsibility towards your child/children.

Yes...agree absolutely.

looby75

Lady_S wrote:

I am glad someone has brought this up, because I don't really understand this arguement.

Surely if your partner is having access then you have time to yourself, and at the end of the day when you have children you accept that you are basically giving your social life up in alot of respects.

I know my OH would prefer to see his children every day and have no social life than to live as he does.

My situation, and it's not unusual.

I have made it crystal clear from the day ex left that he could see his kids anytime he wanted, take them anywhere they wanted (as long as it didn't interfere with school etc obviously) that they are as much his kids as they are mine and that I will ask for his input about any important decisions about their upbringing. I have encouraged him to have a relationship with his kids, and one of the main reasons I didn't move to the other side of the UK to be closer to my family (I have no family around me here) is so that it would be easier for the kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

He chooses to see them for about 7 hours a week (less a lot of the time) that 7 hours is split into 1 1/2 twice a week (after school) and 4 hours from 11am to 3 pm on a Sunday. He has NEVER looked after them overnight, and there doesn't seem to be any likelihood of that changing any time soon.

I have no social life, which as you suggest is something you do give up when you have kids to a certain extent, the main reasons I have no social life is because I don't have spare money to spend going out with friends and I don't have the money to pay for a baby sitter to look after my kids.

My ex goes out when ever he likes, in fact he was bragging about it earlier today. He goes on holiday, obviously without the kids any time he likes, he has lots of spare money to buy stupid frivolous things, where as at the moment I am scrimping and scraping to buy a new fridge freezer as mine has broken.

So do I feel at all guilty that he has to pay the CSA aprox £275 a month.....not a snow flake in hells chance. I "pay" much much more than he does IMO

Lady_S

black-saturn wrote:

Maybe if the OP had experienced the situation she would know what it's really like I wish the CSA didnt take anything from my children's father. I want nothing to do with him and neither do they and I could easily stand on my own two feet.

I thought it was the case that you didn't have to go to the CSA unless you were on income support.

Surely having income support isn't 'standing on your own two feet'

I realise that this post appears harsh, but I don't really understand this.

@ Looby, I feel really sorry for your situation. I wish my Oh's ex was as reasonable as you.

However, she demanded that we have the kids stop over, and when she realised this would be at my house refused on the basis that the childreh didn't know where it was and it was with two 'strangers'. Even after we introduced them to my mother she refused, well she got the kids to object by saying they were too scared to come. I don't think anyone can ever imagine how upsetting that is.

There are both sides to this coin and unfortunately you rarely hear of a situation with two reasonable parents. Or maybe they are just the people that get on with it and don't speak up.

Another point worth considering is due to the money paid to the CSA my partner and I cannot afford a house, so we tried to get a house through the council. The council will only give us somewhere one bedroomed, therefore it would make it impossible for the kids to stop over. We are in an awful circle at the moment and I am not sure that there is a way out until his oldest is 19. At the moment we live with my mum, who thankfully has been golden.

foreverskint

Oh this subject is such a hot potato isn't it?

I have an ex hubbie and live with a man with an ex wife. Between us we have 3 children, my two girls and his daughter. We met after we had separated from our respective exe's so no need for anyone to be bitter about our getting together.

My seperation was amicable, with me leaving the Marital home and leaving my children there with my hubby. I moved into rented just up the road. I did this so that I could maintain the hours required for my job so that we could both afford to keep the house going for the kids. Eventualyy he met someone else, moved himself and the kids away and we sold the house dividing the profit.

My partners seperation by contrast was far from amicable. She stayed in the marital home and he paid all the bills half the mortgage etc, and gave her a hefty sum of maintenance. She got a solicitor through legal aid and conned him into sighning over the house to her. He was very depressed and could not afford legal advice and just did as he was told. He's not a muppet by the way;)

We then met and were rehoused by the HA in a one bed house. We had nothing, a matress, no fridge no washing machine etc.

We pooled our finances and started to get nto the debt you see in my sig, by trying to set up a home that the kids could stay in. We were worried that if things were not good enough that the social services could intervene an not let them stay with us!
So a couple of months into this, the CSA became involved, through a private claim. Things went from bad to worse with us paying almost £800.00 per month between us in maintenance. We were still expected to drive hundreds of miles per week to see the kids, (mine not his cos he was not allowed to see his daughter if I was present), buy clothes keep a roof over our heads etc.

We struggled on and eventually, I became pregnant. I jhad already had one termination due to finances and just could not go through it again. So now we were 6 of us at weekends in a one bed house and no money etc. Our CSA payments went up even though our income came down pmsl due to ctc.

We are now in the debt situation you see now. I know that there are people who do not pay their way, and I truely feel sorry for the OH in this situation.

But, when you are honest, carry on working etc, it can really hurt financially.
Housing wise we are now in a 2 bed through an exchange, but there are still 6 in it nearly everyweekend, ( his ex realised when she got married the advantages of him having the child), and we wouldn;'t change that for the world.

Now I am a SAHM our maintenance payments are 135.00 per month and that is without the CSA.

I just wish that all of the circumstances of both parties are taken into account, when deciding on the costs involved.
Yes there is the mortgage and bills, but there is also rent and bills on the otherside too. The costs to both parties increase and that is the problem.
Even without additional children, maintaining two households is expensive, and yet the NRP are expected to run theirs with upto 25% of their income taken away.

It's hard on both sides. That's the nature of divorce.