Overwhelmed

goingitaloneagain

I feel so overwhelmed and emotional.

Im not sure why im writing this post (using an alias) im hoping maybe for a bit of clarity, advice, comments and opinions. Apologies now if turns out too long.

Im normally a very strong character and deal with most life throws at me and just get on with it. But at the minute I feel like crying im so overwhelmed with how my life and family home have changed so much in the last 2 months.

I asked my abusive alcoholic husband to leave 2 months ago because I was sick of being dictated too, controlled and screamed at. I was sick of living on eggshells and finally had enough. I filed for divorce. We have 3 children of which 2 are babies and I have 1 from a previous relationship.

So he left and went to live at his parents, I get the odd apology but mostly he is enjoying his single life and getting drunk, we arranged he would have the kids every sunday from 3.00 until monday 12.00.

It seemed as soon as he left my eldest child (Daughter) adopted his abusive manner. She literally turned into a horror while also saying she was glad he was gone . I put this down to mixed feelings and dealing with the break up. He has raised her since she was 2. Unfortunately she has witnessed alot of verbal and the odd physical abuse. I feel very guilty about this, but im trying to make up for it, by going it alone and talking to the kids about these things.

She has become so agressive. She was bullying her siblings and refusing to do anything I told her. She is 15 and is smoking and drinking. She ran away from home last night and I phoned the police, who picked her up and brought her home. I phoned her Bio Dad who she has a good relationship with and he came and collected her this morning. He lives in another country. She has now gone to live with him. I feel devastated and so sad. I know now, she was in with a bad crowd and it felt like she was out of my control. I think its best she lives with her dad, but it will probably be a long time till I see her again. Not that she ever wants anything to do with me.

I had arrangements to go out with my sister tonight, which I was looking forward to get a break, I also work from home with the kids and im feeling very stressed right now. After phoning my husband to arrange dropping the kids off and explaing the situation with the eldest, I have had a mouthful of abuse from him and he says unless I tell him where im going tonight he will not take the kids. I just hung up!

I have always been strong and looked after me and my kids very well. With little help from my husband who was rarely about anyway.

Why does this small issue now feel like the proverbial straw. I feel like im about to crack.

I should add i haven't been out with my sister in 2 years though my mum has offered to babysit, but i feel so deflated.

karengr

i am sorry i have no advice for you but did not want to read and run ,so i am sending you hugs xx

Lilith1980

You have taken a big step in asking your husband to leave and for getting out of an abusive relationship so well done to you for that hun.

It is bound to be hard, what with having two children to look after but I am sure the stress and hard work now, will pay off later.

It might have been for the best for your other daughter to go and live with her Dad. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with, without her causing more stress with her behaviour. I'm not sure what else to say about that really, you may see her again, you may not. Maybe she just needs some time to cool off. At least you know her Dad will look after her and you can concentrate on your babies.

Are you going to see your sister tonight? I think it might be an idea to go out just so you have a break. I'm sure your Mum won't mind baby sitting. Sorry I can't offer any advice but you've made such a brave step, it's not going to be easy, but I think you will see the results in the long term ((hugs)).

goingitaloneagain

I am going to go out with my sister tonight, because I know I really need a break and need to unwind. Now that husband is not taking the kids (I have 4, though only 3 are at home now) I now have to be back early as I have the babies feeds and nappies at 7, then the school run at 8. So it wont be the same type of night I was originally planning when I was expecting the kids to be staying with him.

And thats ok, I will still enjoy my time with my sister. Im so annoyed though he is still trying to control me and using the kids to wind me up. I have a child at 9 who is really upset she is not seeing her dad tonight although she is well used to him letting her down.

Im thinking along the lines of refusing to have any contact with him, and if he wants to arrange contact with the kids then one of his family members can contact me. I really wish to lose all contact with him. Anytime I speak to him, im left feeling so bad. He blames me for what happened with DD and I know its true to an extent, but I think he played a bigger part.

I feel like I have failed DD15. She has so much anger in her its scary and beyond my control. Her schooling will be messed up now also.

rainbow81

Hi there

Sorry about the hard time you are experiencing.

I am not full of advice but I do think you have separate issues to deal with and, to some extent, your elder daughter has been taken care of. I mean she is with her dad and that is not a bad thing.

So concentrate on the younger 2. Your husband shouldn't be picking them up or not at his own convenience and nor should it be on any conditions of you telling him what you are doing. I suggest you go through the courts and get an access order and then he is bound by that.

Good for you for going out anyway, he is clearly still trying to control you, I believe it is supposed to get worse before it gets better so be prepared...in the meantime just show your kids they can have a stable home life without aggression and full of love.

Also, a lot of teenagers have a "bad spell" but come through it. Why will your daughter's schooling be messed up? Maybe you or her dad could look into some sort of counselling for her as she is so angry.

stef240377

Would it be possible for you to see a solicitor to get a contact agreement drawn up? With my kids bio dad i saw a solicitor who drew up an agreement that he was to see the kids every other weekend. Within the first month he broke it numerous times and wanted to change days he had them to suit him. The solicitor said it showed his lack of willing and was more detrimental to the kids well being it was advisable to stop contact. If he was to later try to take me to court he would fail to reach any type of contact as the solicitor could back up my defence and the courts would agree more damage could be done in the long run to their mental health.

My children are slightly older than yours, but if your ex has already gotten into a pattern of letting them down and their behaviour is showing patterns that they are becomming distressed because of it you may benefit from something more binding than a verbal agreement.

goingitaloneagain

Her dad lives in another country so she will be changing schools and she is in the middle of studying for her GCSE's

I have suggested counselling but she took offence to this suggestion. Im feeling alot of mixed emotion at her going and I know its for the best, but Im going to miss her. I cant be sure either her Dad will keep as close an eye on her as I have done. I feel so confused about the whole thing it happened so quickly.

Im in the process of divorce so access could be arranged through that, but I know he wont stick to it. If he thinks there is a way to mess me about, he will jump at the opportunity.

macma

So sorry about your situation, it's a difficult one.The only advice I can offer is re your teenage daughter.When my eldest was a teenager it was like she suddenly grew horns overnight, she was horrible and we wept and yelled for what seemed like years.Afterwards someone told me it's part of a teenagers job description and the secret is not to take it personally,I know it's easy to say and very very hard to do . teenage kids do bad stuff but it's not always done to hurt you the fact that it does..........eg staying out late they're not thinking I'll upset mum by staying out late they're just staying out late and that happens to upset you.I know that's a trivial example in your horrible situation but I hope it helps.Take strength in the fact that from what you've said you've taken a very tough decision GOOD FOR YOU !
PS my girl has got her own teenager now,what goes around comes around

Kay_Peel

You sound like am amazing woman and mother. Look how far you've come and look what you've achieved on your own. Today is just a bad day, but you'll survive it and things will look better tomorrow.

I'd write to your eldest and tell her that you are thinking about her and that you don't want to lose contact with her. Try to write at least once every month - and use pen and paper, rather than email. Don't expect a reply or any thanks, but in weeks, months or years from now, she may go back to your letter(s), re-read them and see that you are there for her - even though you are apart. It may help you to feel less guilt. It may also help you in the future, knowing that you made that special effort to tell her that you never stopped thinking about her and wishing that her new life was better than her old one. You did right to remove her from bad company.

I think you've got to make a New Year's resolution that you are going to find a babysitter and try to get out at least once a week for a few hours. Having a reliable person in the background means that you are not so dependent on your controlling, bullying ex for time off. How else are you going to replenish your batteries and face the new week?

I think it would be a bad idea to lose contact with the children's father and impose strict conditions on how he arranges to see them. For their sake, you have to bite your lip and try to make their relationship with him work - not put obstacles in the way. The more you try to control his access, the more he will kick back - and the children will suffer.

I hope you have a well-earned night off tonight. Good luck!

elfen

With your daughter living with her Dad, can you send letters to her with photos of her half-siblings and perhaps something from you, saying what you've been up to and what they've been doing? It gives her the opportunity to see she is being missed, and lets her think about what was going on with her and her friends. It also gives her chance to write things back

goingitaloneagain

The letters and photos are excellent ideas, thank you. She thinks im satan incarnate at the minute, but in a couple of weeks when she cools down a little I will definitely send her a letter.