Does a formal footing have to mean CSA?

GobbledyGook

Hi all

Sorry to be pestering for advice again.

I want to put our maintenance arrangements on some sort of formal footing.

I thought we had discussed everything and got to a place where we both knew and accepted what was going on. I also thought we'd both been totally honest with each other and that perhaps in time to come we'd get back together.

However I've now discovered that my ex-husband is a liar and will be remaining my ex.

I know what I'm entitled to and the likes, but I want the amount he's paying to be written someone in an agreement or an obligation as I don't trust anything he says anymore.

Is my best bet to do this the CSA or is there another way I can do it? I think we'll be getting divorced sooner rather than later now.

Thanks

Gemma

Loopy_Girl

Oh dear Gemma....I hope things are okay for you

You can go to a lawyer and get an agreement which could be signed by you both, but to be honest, it's not really worth the paper it's written on as the all child support issues are dealt with by the CSA.

The CSA are pretty gash though and I would say only to be used when there is no other option.

There is nothing to stop you having an agreement written up and you could put a clause in that if he should default on it then you shall pursue CS through the CSA. Do you think he is going to be @rsey about giving you money?

Hope you are okay and you are certainly not pestering anyone here and feel free to post away

Take care x

GobbledyGook

Ach I was too blooming nice LG!

After what I was saying to you on Thursday it turns out he was taking me for a right mug!

He sent the "one-night-stand" woman an email saying how I believed him and he'd got things pretty square between us. I was staying away, but he was fairly sure we'd get back together soon. He told her he hoped her husband believed her too and that although he missed her he thought they'd made the decision for the best. He went on to say though that it was a fabulous few months and his only regret was that they got caught and people had got hurt. Guess who he sent it too by mistake.....?

There are no words I can use about him that would be allowed on such a forum!! He hasn't realised his mistake yet and I haven't let on to him as I want to get a few things straight in my head first.

From reading a few things I think I can divorce him straight away if I have proof of adultery, but I'll need to check with the lawyer when I can get an appointment. The lawyer told me that if we did divorce we'd have to have a formal custody and maintenance agreement set up before it could be finalised hence me wondering.

I'm just so glad I didn't give in to the temptation to take him back. I'd be feeling even more foolish.

Gemma

Loopy_Girl

Jesus...what an absolute git that he is....can you imagine his face when he realises he has sent the email to you instead of her....bloody stupid man. Throwing away a family and wife for the sake of a few months 'forbidden fruit'...and he couldn't even manage to finish with her correctly:mad:

Have you spoke to your legal eagle chum? It's just I'm not sure how much clout these informal but formal agreements have. You clearly don't want to be going to court (when he could be held accountable) but you want something in place for child support and also his access for the girls. Plus if he is going to be buying you a property or whatever.

And also any agreement would need to be looked at again when the new baby comes.

And if you want to petition for divorce on the grounds of adultery then you have all the proof you need in your hands.

Again I think you need good legal advice on all of this. I would like to think that you could both come to an agreement on everything wihout the courts or CSA as you don't need the stress of either.

GobbledyGook

He never has been any good with computers!! I get the impression from the email that they agreed to finish it after being caught out at this wedding. I think they were very clever/careful before that, but got carried away with themselves when he ended up there without me rather unexpectedly.

Complete moron to throw it all away, and even more so to completely lie to my face when I said he had to be honest about it all or we'd end up hating each other.

I did speak to my friend, he put me in touch with a good lawyer that I spoke to and told me what I was entitled to. She wasn't particularly happy that the children and I weren't in the house, but could understand me not wanting to insist on moving back in. She also wants details of pensions and details of shares and investments in his name (I have details of the ones in mine).

I just remember her saying that if I wanted a divorce we'd need to have an arrangement in place for CS and access, but I wasn't thinking about divorcing him then so I didn't really take it all in, there was so much.

I've been looking at rented places because I wasn't happy with the idea of living somewhere he owned which I'm glad about now. He agreed to pay the rent until I got tenant for my flat, then pay any extra once I had money coming in.

I don't know how he's going to react when he realises that it's well and truly over. When he first thought it was over he said he wouldn't pay the "ludicrous" sum of £400 per week so I don't see him being happy to stick by what he's agreed to since then. The only thing on my side is that we wrote it down and both signed it (was actually quite funny at the time the way it happened and we were joking about signing our lives away - I'm not laughing now!), but it's only a print out from my PC so nothing binding. It'd be something I could show my MIL if push came to shove and she and FIL would probably put pressure on him to stick to it. FIL offered to pay E's nursery fees when we were arguing over them so I know if I ended up really, really stuck they'd help as much as they could.

He had agreed to £300 per week, E's nursery fees (since he insisted she go there), C's horse riding (since he takes her mainly) and the rent. I'm quite scared now that'll fall away since I think he was only agreeing in the hope he'd get taken back eventually. I suppose on my side though is the fact that the CSA calculator says he should pay £400 per week and if worst came to worst I'd be able to juggle the rest, take a few more hours at work or cut down E's hours at nursery until she's 3 and gets her free hours.

I'm just worried about how we'll manage when I go onto maternity leave now. There's no way I'll be able to take the year off like I did with the girls, but I'm not entirely sure that going back part-time will work with the childcare costs.

Just when I thought I had a plan!!

Gemma x

13Kent

Oh my goodness! I have been following your threads from before Christmas - it never rains but it pours as they say!

You have the upper hand now as it were as he does not know you know the full extent of his betrayal.

Being completely calculating, non-emotional, and looking at the situation from the housing point of view and nothing else, this could give you the opportunity to get back into the family home if he wants to try again, and once you are settled back in you insist that he moves out. I believe he would have to help you keep the roof over the childrens' heads until child support comes to an end. In the short term this might be hard, but it might benefit you and your children significantly in the long term - especially if the legal advice you have had has said it would have been better if you had stayed in the family home.

Of course emotionally this would be very difficult for you and of course could be very confusing for your girls.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, your girls will love having a baby brother or sister I'm sure, I hope you will continue to get support from your in-laws during this pregnancy and beyond.

You have a lot of difficult decisions ahead - be strong - I wish you all the best with whatever lies ahead for you family.

chall1964

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Hi all

Sorry to be pestering for advice again.

I want to put our maintenance arrangements on some sort of formal footing.

I thought we had discussed everything and got to a place where we both knew and accepted what was going on. I also thought we'd both been totally honest with each other and that perhaps in time to come we'd get back together.

However I've now discovered that my ex-husband is a liar and will be remaining my ex.

I know what I'm entitled to and the likes, but I want the amount he's paying to be written someone in an agreement or an obligation as I don't trust anything he says anymore.

Is my best bet to do this the CSA or is there another way I can do it? I think we'll be getting divorced sooner rather than later now.

Thanks

Gemma

Hi Gemma,

There's a download for a Private Agreement form at http://www.cmoptions.org/

shell_542

I'm so sorry you're going through this Hope you get things sorted as well as can be at such a difficult time x

GobbledyGook

Thanks for the support all.

I wouldn't move back into the house with him still there. It simply wouldn't be fair on my girls. They have been through enough - it would only be a slight possibility if he moved out. The subject of the children and I living there and him finding a flat did come up, but I'm just not sure about it. Mainly because I can't afford to run it and pay the mortgage on my own so if it ever got ugly then it would leave me in a very sticky position.

My plan was to rent a place that I wouldn't have to add too much too over what I'd get in income for my grandparents flat. It's all very well my lawyer saying he has to pay a part, but lots of people have to pay things and don't. Is that really daft of me? Should I be insisting on the house for the children's sake?

I will ring the lawyer and make another appointment asap. I'm really torn though, I want the best life I can for my girls, but at the same time I want it to be a consistent life. I don't want us to be living somewhere fabulous again then have to move, or to move from place to place to place and I certainly don't want them to be living with Mummy & Daddy, then Mummy, then Mummy but with Daddy in the house, then Mummy and so on and so forth. That's not a healthy way to live and they deserve better.

I don't even know how to deal with the whole email thing. Part of me wants to shout and scream at him, part of me wants to make him feel awful and - to be honest - part of me just wants to say "look this is how it is, I just want to get on with it as planned for the children's sake". I don't need this while I'm pregnant and the children don't need it full stop.

GobbledyGook

chall1964 wrote: »

Hi Gemma,

There's a download for a Private Agreement form at http://www.cmoptions.org/

Thanks for that link. I'll print that off and see if we can use it as a starting point.

I suppose if nothing else it would show his intent originally if it gets ugly down the line.

Loopy_Girl

When's the baby due Gemma?:D x