Advice needed

miss_independent

Hi,

We know that my cousin is struggling for money. Her husband's hours have been cut, she can only work in low paying jobs due to health problems and they have two teenage kids who want everything going and are constantly asking for things. We are close to her as she doesn't really have much family and has been through alot in her life. She wrote to us recently telling us if we didn't mind she wouldn't be giving us presents this year as she is struggling and has decided to only give gifts to immediate family as she doesn't want to get in debt over one day. We completely understand this and have no problems with her not being able to give us presents. However my mum is going to give her some money as always and so am I. I'm struggling too this year and can only afford £25 for the family and I always give a voucher for a Tesco type of store to her and her OH to help with christmas food and money to the kids as I know they prefer to put it to a wii game or something. I am just worried as knowing her she will feel she has to give us something in return. We did hum and haw over it saying perhaps we shouldn't send anything so as not to make her feel bad but at the same time I said the fact that she is struggling is all the more reason to send something up. What I am asking is, is there a polite way of saying please don't feel you have to return the gift, we understand money is tight? Another family member got a text off her this week saying something along the lines of "thanks but I wish you hadn't." , which has made us worried we might offend her or something. The last thing we want to make her do is feel bad. Also, it is hard to send her anything other than money/vouchers as we don't live in the same country as our other relatives and end up having to spend an absolute fortune on postage.

nic2075

Hi, I would personnally not send anything apart form a card and a nice note. Im saying this as I know that if I was in your cousins shoes and had no money to buy anything in return I would feel terrible. We have all cut back this year and only spending £10 on each of my sisters. If you feel you have to send a small thing maybe even send some home made sweets that can be made into a small parcel but will be thoughtful.

McKneff

Hello there, i would also compliment your sister on her good sense at coming up with this solution.

Lots of us struggle at this time of year and i hear people saying they want to stop buying presents willy nilly for aunties boyfiriends sister but are afraid of being labelled 'tight'

I too would just send a nice card with a little note.

miss_independent

Thanks for the suggestions and advice. But now i'm thinking what if she thinks I only give to get if you know what I mean, now I'm not getting i'm not giving . Arghhhh, families!

Trow

I would not send anything, as a sign of respect for her decision - but I might send a 'I saw this and thought of you' type gift in February or March, so she doesn't feel that she has any need to return the gift for a special reason.. if you see what I mean... but it would need to be something rather than a voucher.

Or maybe send her a book - say thrifty ways for modern days or similar - as an Xmas present saying thats its not really a present but that you hope some of the ideas might help her out, as they help you..

McKneff

miss_independent wrote: »

Thanks for the suggestions and advice. But now i'm thinking what if she thinks I only give to get if you know what I mean, now I'm not getting i'm not giving . Arghhhh, families!

Just mention it in passing in the note that you were going to buy her a little something but you didnt want to make her feel bad, perhaps
say you'll meet up some time and have a coffee and a cream cake, your
(you, not her lol) treat.

savingmummy

If you really want to send her money/vouchers then do.
I`m sure she would be very grateful and tbh i alays say `oh you shouldn`t have` as i get really speechless when people give me pressies and money and thank you never sounds enough.
Maybe along with a note or letter explaining you didnt know what to get this year so you thought vouchers would be better for her. x

miss_independent

McKneff wrote: »

Just mention it in passing in the note that you were going to buy her a little something but you didnt want to make her feel bad, perhaps
say you'll meet up some time and have a coffee and a cream cake, your
(you, not her lol) treat.

Thanks McKneff, I am popping a letter in with her xmas card, whatever I decide to do, either to explain why I have sent a gift or why I haven't. It would be ideal for me to have been able to treat the family to a meal out on me (even though I'm only a poor student ) but unfortunately we don't live in the same country and only keep in contact by post, phone and e-mail but we are still very close.

Rachel85

I agree that not sending anything will look as though you only give to receive. If you can afford to I would send a little something whether it be a voucher or something small and light.

Alternatively if you'd rather not send anything I'd send a note saying that you're really glad she brought up the issue of Christmas presents as you've been struggling this year too (especially being a student etc etc) but wish her a very merry christmas.

learn2cope

Could you send her a voucher/gift card for blockbusters, or similar, with a note about them spending quality family time together. It doesn't have to be for a lot, just enough for them to be able to rent a dvd. That way your cousin shouldn't feel guilty as its not such a large gift but it is still a very kind jesture and possibly even a 'luxury' to a family that is struggling financially.

I can't speak for others, but I know that would be an ideal gift for my family as we like nothing better than cwtching up on the sofa, watching a movie and forgetting all the stress for a couple of hours xxx

LJM

i would still give what you intended to and write a note saying that you dont give to recieve