Help with Teen daughter please

foreverskint

I am divorced and live with my partner and our baby. I have tow daughters who I share care with their father, My ex husband.

During the week they stay with him and attend a school (50 miles away from me) and most hollidays and some weekends are spent here with us.

My eldest daughter turned 14 in May and when here is a model :A .

She helps around the house, entertains her little toddler sister, cooks meals etc. etc. She never has a tantrum and to all intents and purposes seemed to communicate well. We have been very open in disscussions about all aspects of life in the big wide world and always have an open door policy.

she has got mixed up with a group of Goth friends and has started hanging out in her home town (her fathers address), and behind my back has been creating merry hell to be quite honest.

It peaked this Friday, when I got a call from my ex to say that he had suspicions regarding her activities and read her diary.

In it was explicit entries regarding drug use, sex she is having with a 17 year old and drinking.

I have ended up taking her back to our house, whilst her father calms down and it means she is away from her friends for a bit.

My ex wants to involve the police regards the sex with the 17 year old.

I have spoken to the boys mother ( she was horrified with him, but by all accounts he's a handful ).

I just don't know what to do. It's like having two different daughters. She is full of remorse and is talking to me, but i'm not sure if she is just continuing to pull the wool over my eyes as she has done up till now.

Any ideas

skylight

Oh - this sounds EXACTLY like me at that age (ok, 15 and not 14 though with FAB purple curly hair - ah, those were the days!!)

But no matter what you do, you cannot stop her. You will just alienate her if you try to be heavy handed.

This will probably go against every natural instinct here, but try to be supportive. Lots of hugs, love, talks, every talk about alchol abuse, pregnancy, check what sort of contraception AND protection she is using. And try the guilt thing. No shouting, but the "I am really disappointed" in a miserable kind of way.

As she is 14, the police will do very little except a stern talking to both parties if you are lucky (its at 13 they tend to take notice more as the law has different rules for under 16's and under 13's), but this may make her think a bit.

I don't think she is pulling the wool over your eyes at all. She sounds like a confused little girl inside and is "splitting" herself into 2 people to please different adults at different times, but this is more into the realms of therapy and therapy can be a good thing!

But, although I am saying all this, I don't think I would be this calm if it were my 14yo.
So with yet another hat on, best of luck with this.
xxxx

foreverskint

Thanks for the reply.

I too know what I was like at that age ( and it was much, much worse believe me!):eek:
But I ended up failing all of my exams bar 3 and basically ruining any chances of the career I wanted. I really don't want her to end up like me, which is why I have been really open with her.

I have tried to understand why she is with these friends. I would seem she has a very low self esteem and feels she doesn't deserve much better. I can't imagine why she feels like this, and she doesn't understand herself.

I explained to her before that if she felt ready for sex we would be understanding and help re birth control etc. But with the drugs and the drink she ended up having her first time experience in a public toilets:mad: :eek:

I am beyond being angry. I am dissapointed and have told her so and she seems to have taken this in. In fact My partner keeps saying how controlled I am being. Inside I am screaming though.

coffeeandfags

As a mum to a 15 y.o., i have to agree with Charlotte. Your little girl is growing up (and yes, they do grow up faster these days!), and needs your love and support right now, probably more than she has ever done!

i was exactly where youre at a year ago, and gosh it was hard, but if you can both be open and honest with one another, you will get through it! Just a thought, but maybe now would be a good time to go with your daughter to a family planning clinic! I know that will shock some people, but i for one would rather have a 14 y.o. on the pill than a pregnant 14 y.o.!!!!

Personally, i think your ex should have left that diary well alone....... i know its tempting to snoop, but, you are never gonna see what you want to see if you snoop in a teenagers diary!

!!!!!!!!{HUGS}}}}} to you and your daughter, you will get through this!!

foreverskint

Yes I am with you on the birth control matter! I too would rather she didn't get pregnant. And I also agree about the diary, but pandora's box has been opened and in some ways I am relieved. I thought she was being a good girl but how wrong was I?

I even kept defending her side with her father, saying he was too strict with her.

skylight

I am so glad you are being controlled about this - I couldn't be.

If she does have low self esteem, then maybe therapy is the best way forward - and it doesn't mean you are a bad parent (as I have just found a therapist for my 12 yo - and have been fighting these demons - DD3 is confused and also has low self esteem, first me and Dad together, then we split for 3 years so it was just the 2 of us, then Dad and I got back together and when she was 8 we had another child, then another (!) then her eldest sister from hubbys first marriage moved in with us so now we are a happish family of 6 in a 2-bed house and DD3 is a confused girl with everything else that has gone on in her life and its never ending. Therapy is the best course of action for her I feel).(And I still have the bad parent demons, cos I have just realised that even here I am explaining why she is in therapy ..!)

Anyway, back to the point - Your daughter has chosen these friends because she identifies with them in some way - there must be something that is attracting her to them. The illicitness perhaps or excitment of the "danger" that hangs around Goths? At 14, this is more a cry out for something, but if she talks to you about anything it seems she is a sensible 14.

Is there anyway she could move in with you and change schools? And I know this isn't as easy as it sounds!

Eels100

My sympathies to the poor OP, as this is obviously a very painful time for you.

Firstly, 'goths' are not all evil twisted drug addicts any more than 'mods', 'punks' or 'hippies' all were. They're just young people who share an image and identify with certain ideas and emotions normally conveyed in a particular style of music. Better goths than chavs ;-)

The drugs and the sex - first get some perspective on the situation - are we talking snorting cocaine here, or the odd puff on a joint? And sexually, is she intelligent and educated enough to take steps to protect herself from disease and pregnancy?

My main concern from personal experience is that so much attention is paid to teaching the physical side of sex that the emotional side is left by the wayside, and in any case is hard for a young person to understand until it's too late. The fact that your daughter is actually talking to you, whether it's totally truthful or not, is fantastic. You have got the biggest hurdle out of the way.

I suspect the self-esteem issue is the root of all of these problems. I know that I can identify with your daughter's behaviour closely, and I know now that I have only really sorted out my self-esteem issues in the last couple of years (I'm 25) through my career and my current relationship. Looking back I wouldn't have done a lot of the things I did at that age if I had a better self-image.

So I can understand the situation clearly, and I'm trying to think what I would suggest to help matters. Paramount has to be that you treat her like an adult (both of you, as parents, should do this). Talk to her frankly, don't try to manipulate her, and continue the good honest and open communication. Don't over-react by planning major changes (particularly if the current arrangements with your ex-partner work well), new rules or timetables. She's a little grown-up now, and she's made some choices you don't like, but they're her choices. If they're informed ones, and she's safe, then all you can do is work on that self-esteem so that she's as well-equipped as possible to handle herself in a way she won't regret when she's older.

On a personal note, parents do a fantastic job but I do think at 14 it takes more than a parent telling you how precious you are to boost your self-esteem. It takes approval from peers (which explains the new group of friends) and a feeling of empowerment through what she can achieve for herself. My corny suggestion (which would have to be carefully implemented!) would be involvement in a new sport, or activity, preferably with some responsibility attached (joining a football team, learning to ride and helping at a local stables, help at a kennels, teaching younger kids a skill etc).

Good luck, I'm sure she'll be just fine - she wouldn't be a normal teenager if she didn't cause her parents some mortal worry once in a while!

notakid

i have a friend who lives very close to me. Her daughter was a "good girl" did well in her exams but hung around with goths and also had afew incidents such as drinking before school once and wanting to stay out past her curfew.

Her parents were very strict, mom read her diary at every opp and questioned her on all aspects of her life, father very old school do as i say not as I do. She moved out on her 16th birthday and got a flat and gave up college. she has been working for two years now and hates her job. I think she is on her 5th job.

She still has a distent relationship with parents as every time she visits her mom questions her (she is very secretive) The relationship is not good. I think the point I am making is her mom grew up to quickly and has tried to stop her daughter making the same mistakes but her daughter is not her, and constent nagging and spying only drives them away. We all reminder what we were like as teenages and there for the grace of god go I. I don't think you will ever get total truth from them but you must give them some respect.

On the other hand I once overheard two teenagers talking and one said "My mom says I love and respect you and will treat you as an adult if you are always straight with me I will not judge and will support you in every way, Silly cow, well it means I can get away with murder."
Sorry its not very helpful! But you can see a nice girl in your daughter, she is growing up to quickly, maybe it may be an idea for her to stay the whole of the summer holidays with you to keep her away from the older boy.

[Deleted User]

OP my daughter became a temporary goth in her late teens. She had been well into horse riding previously, so had been too busy to go off the rails earlier. It was a terrible time for us as she began to push very hard against the boundaries and often broke them. Somehow I got her to go to college to learn equine studies and in spite of bunking off she gained a good btec. That gave her confidence and she went onto uni and now 7 years later has a very good job indeed and is very happily married

I worried so much and had very many sleepless nights so have earned the t shirt. I longed to hear someone say `don`t worry she will grow out of it`

OP the main thing now is to keep her safe and away from drugs and maybe do that by getting her very involved in a new hobby, so she has no time for anything else. In the meantime, keep the boundaries strong

Kimberley

Just be there for her and let her know that you will always be there for her no matter what. Let her make her own mistakes because what she does in life and how she makes her life will determine the kind of adult she will be. She will hopefully grow out of it and hopefully realise that through her own mistakes she will grow into a better adult. She is still young but keep an eye on her and that boy, she needs to know that she is way too young to be having sex and that her decision to do so could ruin her life eventually in many ways.

Giver her lots of cuddles, let her know you love her, don't nag too much and she may change herself, you won't.