bootcamp for unruly teenager?!

vaio

carlsberggal wrote: »

vaio I beleive you are wrong in assuming op's mum is a bad mother and the child has had no support or stucture in his short life. They can just get in with the wrong crowd through no fault of the parents. All parents shouls say "there for the grace of god go I", you never know what will be round the corner, good parenting skills or not. Only good parenting in the eyes of the parent others would disagree on parenting skills and what is right or wrong for their family.
OP - no advice to give I'm afraid - just be there for um and brother. Hugs for the difficult time you family is having

Call me an old traditionalist but twelve year old children exposed to good parenting skills and proper support/structure/discipline and moral education don’t smoke, take drugs or smash up bedrooms particularly at 4.30 in the morning.

Neither do they bully toddler children of the household to the point that the toddler & his mother are forced to move out.

Behaviour like that is inconceivable to me and the incredibly unlikely event that anything like it started it would have been instantly nipped in the bud.

Lots of (all?) children are exposed to “the wrong crowd” but most of them have inbuilt behaviour and moral standards imparted to them by their parents that stop any ill effects or leading astray. Even if this doesn’t happen then good parents would spot the early warning signs and again nip it in the bud long before it became a real problem.
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PolishBigSpender

Is it just me, or does this story sound a bit....fishy?

I fail to see why the police would be interested in someone who didn't want to take responsibility anymore for children that were vandalising her home - in fact, you would think that the police would be far more interested in the parents who refused to take responsbility for their children.

And what business would the school have (or indeed power?) to deal with the fact that she might have allowed drug taking in her house? She's certainly not responsible for the actions of teenagers that she threw out of her house because their parents refused to collect them!

I'm sorry, but I don't believe this story in the slightest.

Mupette

PolishBigSpender wrote: »

Is it just me, or does this story sound a bit....fishy?

I fail to see why the police would be interested in someone who didn't want to take responsibility anymore for children that were vandalising her home - in fact, you would think that the police would be far more interested in the parents who refused to take responsbility for their children.

And what business would the school have (or indeed power?) to deal with the fact that she might have allowed drug taking in her house? She's certainly not responsible for the actions of teenagers that she threw out of her house because their parents refused to collect them!

I'm sorry, but I don't believe this story in the slightest.

The police have not been involved. The woman didn't want to get the boys into further trouble, i can see her point but would of called them if that was me

The other parents contacted the school, if they feel there is neglect then they will have a duty of care to call social services.

vaio

Mupette wrote: »

.........The police have not been involved.......

The OP said……..

………she’s getting done now for allowing the boys to take the drugs and for child neglet for throwing them out at 4:30 am

I can’t see how that could be true if the police weren’t involved

Mupette wrote: »

.........The other parents contacted the school, if they feel there is neglect then they will have a duty of care to call social services.

If half of what the OP says is true then you can be sure all the children involved are already well known to Social Services.

Bethankim

Im not going to get into bad parenting or not, or if its a true story or not..there may be someone reading who is having a tough time and is scared about saying anything.

However i will say, about traditional vlaues etc and how if a child is bought up right then they will resist all bad things...as the mum of a 16 year old i really wish it was that simple.

I am a strict mum, i set boundaries that while occasioanly are flexible he knows when he reaches the limit.

however, he sadly has very bad depression not picked up by the GP early enough despite me asking, a young person with depression..you may choose not to believe it happens but believe me it does.

it started 18 months ago after the loss of his beloved grandfather, then a series of really unhappy events overloaded him..

he went from a charming, happy, confident young man to a mess quite frankly

I have had, drinking, smoking, drugs, endless girlfriends, going awol, major self harm..pretty much the lot

thankfully after a really bad time in may he is slowly but surely coming back out th other side, only fight left now is school who have quite frankly failed.

But..how have we got him to this point.

I set even more boundaries, explained how he was illa nd i needed to make sure he was safe - we agreed the rules he was able to stick to.

if it was to much and he went off - we agreed where and to whom he would go and he had to answer his phone or contact me to say..we had lots of non communcation

I loved him, tough love but - he had to be by a certain time
the unhealthy friends were discouraged, infact they were not allowed in, although i knew he was seeing them i had to hope and thank goodness its happened he could see how bad they were

we talked and talked, i am his parent, the shouting, abuse, fear, hurt you name it i got it, once he was calm we talked about acceptable behaviour.

I am honest, both withhim, friends, family and his pyschiatrist..
its a very hard road to turn a child withproblems around, the only adivce i can give, is for you and yourmum to get educated. work out what the root of the problem is and work on that.

ifyou just treat the symptoms you will get no where fast,c asue they will keep going back.

sorry this is a long post, I am at a point now with my son that he has a good group of friends, is stable (ish) but not in school, i accpet school is not a good place for him and we are working on that..I dont fight about the smoking (not weed) cause to be honest, its the least of my worries.

communicate, be tough, love him, but dont back down its your mums house and her rules..i hope she and your brother come through it

Oldernotwiser

fly_dragon_fly wrote: »

my mum is the most supportive mum to me and all she does is try and make my brother happy but nothing works.

And THAT is where she's going wrong, IMO. The parental role should have a large disciplinary element and should not be mainly about making a 13 year old happy!

fly_dragon_fly

thank you for all the replies good and negative i take on everything on board

she has spoke to my sons gramother who is a lawyer and if this does go to court which it could due to child neglet she will defend for her so at least my mum has some support that side.

once again thank you for the support and advice and for all who said this is made up how could somebody make something up i wouldn't waste my time making something like this up do you know how long it took to type?

lynzpower

You are really really missing the point here about "fighting it in court"

YOu and your mum dont need to defend- you need to be open, honest and 100% upfront about how the lad is sdestroying himself and his family.

If it turns out that - nad this is a very large IF at the moment- the lad would be better off cared for elsewhere - such as a secure educational facility ( or even a bootcamp ) then you should be open enough to accept that the specialists need to get a look-in as opposed to defending your mum against "being called a crap mum" at the end of the day your brother is demonstrating some very abusive and dangerous behaviours and the first thing you and your mum need to do is get some real, professional help into the family and BE HONEST ABOUT WHATS GONE WRONG.

vaio

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

And THAT is where she's going wrong, IMO. The parental role should have a large disciplinary element and should not be mainly about making a 13 year old happy!

Spot on, get the basics done when they are toddlers and after that they just need the occasional nudge back onto the right path.

It’s just about the only sensible conversation I remember having with my grandmother, talking about getting small children to behave, she said “It might be hard when they are 2 but if you don't do it then it’s five times harder when they are 4, fifty times harder when they are 8 and getting on for impossible when they are 16”

She was no fool my old gran