separting from husband and need support and advice please

chattymum

hi all

I am new to this board, a good friend suggested that i join up and get some advice and make friends on ere as she has already done so.

My situation in a brief format... i have 3 kids who live with their father down south, have done so for 8 years, he has residency order.
i have contact with them phone and contact with them at various times.
I re married and have been with my hubby for 8 years now.
We are not getting on and in a nut shell we ave decided to seperate.
he is moving back to his parents this week and i am staying on in the rented property we live in.
ive not been in the benefi system before so ive had to make phone calls and get stuff sorted.

my head is all over the place.. ive told my mum and my close friends what is happening. my mum has phoned me today and pumped me for info on various stuff and i feel i am her latest bit of news for her.
she is even ringing a family member of hers today that she hasnt spoken to for a few weeks. she asked me if she could tell her all what has happened.

i would really appreciate advice and support on this please as i dont have any friends locally that i can really go to, alot of my friends dont live localy.

bye for now xx

foxy-roxy

Welcome to MSE, we are all very friendly and supportive (apart from a few trolls that pop up now and again, but just ignore them).
Sorry to hear your mum is using your life as idle gossip, maybe she just doens't have very much going on in her own life so uses other peoples to talk about?

Well done on starting with everything, checking your entitlements etc.
How is your ex being with you? Is it quite amicable?

(((HUGS))))

chattymum

me and my hubby are still on good terms,maybe alot later down the line we might get back together again. we have lost the spark in us and i know i have got too used to him being around.

we dont do anything in the evenings and weekends are spent together so i dont think that has helped

he has 3 children from his previous marriage who live in our local area whereas my children dont

my mum has been asking me all sorts of questions and asking how i am gonna cope living on my own as i havent done so before, but i did when i was with my ex before i had the children when he used to work away.

she is also asking how i will afford certain bills and stuff in the house now.
what do u think to those questions?

xx

floss2

chattymum wrote: »

my mum has been asking me all sorts of questions and asking how i am gonna cope living on my own as i havent done so before, but i did when i was with my ex before i had the children when he used to work away.

she is also asking how i will afford certain bills and stuff in the house now. what do u think to those questions?

I would say, politely, "I am a grown woman and am quite capable of paying my bills & sorting things out, but that if I get stuck would I be able to call you to ask for your advice & help?" That is precisely, word-for-word, what I said to my mum when I split up from my ex-husband over 10 years ago. It worked, she backed off, and was much more amenable to being asked for advice on the occasions that I felt she wanted to be involved!

It is strange to learn to live on your own again, but you can do it, as you know by doing it before. However, start to create a support network for yourself - do you have any sisters or brothers? How about best friends? Other mums from school?

Also, get registered on Freecycle for when you need anything, and check out any local charity shops for bargains to make your old married home your own "new" single-mum home. It's suprising just how much better you can feel for small things like moving furniture round or having some nice crisp, freshly washed & ironed new-to-you girly bedlinen!

Marcheline

She's your mum, she's bound to wonder/ask you how you'll cope! So she might be a bit tactless in the way she phrases the questions or maybe her tone of voice has grated on you, but at the end of the day, they are normal questions for a mother to ask in this situation. If I were you, I wouldn't isolate yourself away from her, she's probably just trying to help.

chattymum

dont have any sisters and my only brov lives where my mum does and we arent that close

dont have any close friends really, do have some that i speak to but not that close to, and to hook up with them now it would be like using them

so am lonely and dont know what 2 do

got a mouth ulcer now, no suprise there really

chattymum

hi
sorry to message again but i am really stuggling.
not been alone for years so being alone in the house is killing me.

i did have contact with him today cos he helped me collect a bed that someone was giving away and he also bought his daughter round so i could see her as she is my step daughter.

i miss the company and doing stuff for someone.
when he was here he used to get on my nerves lol but now i miss him like mad
that sounds stupid dont it?

any so called friends that i thought i had dont wanna know. they run a mile when i try and talk to them.
i do have some good pals but they dont live locally so my only contact is via tex/online or phone but i am craving to speak to someone and to have a coffee and do stuff like that.

my mum has been phoning me everyday which is good but she lives 200 miles away from me.
my kids dont know about the seperation yet as they live so far away i am seeing them in 3 weeks time and i didnt want 2 tell them my news over the phone.

please someone help me
why do so called friends run a mile from you when u need their help but take the help and support when they need it

xxxx

Fire_Fox

((((HUGS)))) Have you spoken to your family doctor about how you are feeling? You might need to be referred for some counselling or be prescribed something to lift your mood. A brilliant way to get out of the house, meet new people AND feel better in yourself is to do some exercise - perhaps an aerobics class or walking for health group. Is that an option for you?

You are talking about benefits, do you work at all or are you able to? A few hours working as a barmaid or Avon representative would get you out and meeting people. Also you might consider taking in a lodger or moving into a shared flat, housemates can often become friends. Houseshares aren't all young things, I was 34 when I moved out of my last one and I was the youngest for most of the time I was there!! Are you tied to your area - is it possible you can move closer to your friends or family members?

chattymum

thank you for your quick reply, didnt think i would get a reply back so quick
i am on anti deprissants already and did have some counselling but they stopped it cos they said i wasnt dealing with the underlying issues and when i was going into see him even though it helped me in a big way he said i always had new problems or stuff i needed to talk to them about and thats not what counselling is about, they needed for me to get to the root of the problem, which i couldnt cos i have other issues on a weekly basis i needed to talk to someone about and deal with, so im apprensive about going back to counsellking again but i do know i need some help. i wish i was dead for the last 2 days.

bar work would be a No No and i dont think i would be able to do Avon as i have bad debt.

If i am to stay up here to see if my marriage will work out in time i need to stay on in this house cos i cant move as my kids come up and stay at times throughout the year. and i wouldnt want to take a lodger in but cant anyway cos i am renting this place and aopplying for housing help on that.

my family lives 200 miles away and if i went back i wouldnt see my current husband who i am seperated from. and there would be no chance of getting back with him.
if i did move bk to my family my mum wont let me go bk there, she has my brov there but i would have to go into emergency housing sheltar.hostel until i found somewhere else, and i dont fancy that.

i dont know what 2 do to be honest. my world has been turned upside down.
(




((((HUGS)))) Have you spoken to your family doctor about how you are feeling? You might need to be referred for some counselling. A brilliant way to get out of the house, meet new people AND feel better in yourself is to do some exercise - perhaps an aerobics class or walking for health group. Is that an option for you?

You are talking about benefits, do you work at all or are you able to? A few hours working as a barmaid or Avon representative would get you out and meeting people. Also you might consider taking in a lodger or moving into a shared flat, housemates can often become friends. Houseshares aren't all young things, I was 34 when I moved out of my last one and I was the youngest for most of the time I was there!! Are you tied to your area - is it possible you can move closer to your friends or family members?

erewyn

hi, hope you are feeling ok, x my mum is on her own, and i worry about her a lot, just ready your thread, and worried when you talked about wanting to die, please dont, things will get better, its a big change for you after so many years of routine, it will take time to adjust, (hugs) E