Counselling After a break up does it help?

kaze_2

Hi Everybody,

I recently split with my husband at end of august after getting married in january, the reason for the split was because he wanted his money to himself and needed a break from me, after about 2 weeks i found out that he had been texting one of my friends since our wedding day and had her name on his phone as a male friend.

Normally if i split from somebody i can move on and completely delete them from my life, only problem this time is that we have a 21month old daughter and i can't file for divorce until we have been married for a year. He doesn't seem to be bothered about seeing his daughter on a regular basis and will happily leave seeing her for 3-4 weeks at a time and then demanding to see her and threatening court action if i dare to say we have plans already. Obviously this isn't any good for my daughter but its also really screwing me up as just when i think i'm over him and getting myself sorted i have to see him again with my daughter as i don't trust him to look after her properly and she has a major problem of getting really upset if i leave the room and the last thing i want is to cause her anymore upset.

The last time i saw him with daughter he could barely speak to me and told me that he hated me for what i had done to him!!!! and it was my fault the relationship had failed, i really want to move on and put all this heartache behind me so would it be worthwhile going to see a counsellor and are they expensive? I was made redundant in june and have been surviving on just benefits since he left so can't really afford a lot of money.

Thanks for your help

Kaz

Bella79

if your on benefits u can get legal help i would go and see a solicitor and sort it out regarding acsess etc through him/her

tbh your ex sounds like a ****

i wish u luck x

RAS

Hi

You can get an annulment in cetain circumstnaces but even if not, February 2010 is not that far away.

Get your contact arrangment down in writing, preferably via a solicitor. Then use rexts or e-mail to show his behaviour.

In_Search_Of_Me

Hi there,
Sorry youre going throuh such a hard time.
I can only speak from experience and say that I have found counceling very useful when I've been going through difficult times as a good councellor will be able to help you take a step back and see the wood for the trees...plus sort your own feelings.
You may be able to get councelling via gp so worth asking there. Also some agencies do "free" sessions and ask for a donation - usually alighned to churches etc - catholic etc...Re contact with dd would get in touch with cab who can reccomend an appropriate solicitor and may also be able to recc a good counc..

maggied_2

Where are you based OP? I went to one near me who offered help on a sliding scale depending on income.
I actually only went to one session and just the act of taking back that little bit of control made me feel so much better I didn't go back!
Definitely contact your GP to see if you can see one via a referral if there isn't a free one near you. Google should throw up a few.

FWIW your ex sounds horrid - poor you having to deal with this. It must be hell having to constantly be in contact who's trodden all over your feelings in that way. Look after yourself and don't be bullied.

I do hope you're getting maintenance from him for your DD. Also I would be telling him that if he doesn't want to make a regular time to see her then you'll be needing a week's notice for when he does. Of course you're going to struggle to get your life back on track if he haphazardly walks in and out of it.

That said you will need to trust him with her at some point (if he vastly improves his behaviour towards her). You chose to have a child with him, so presumbly you didn't think he wouldn't be able to manage it then.

simpywimpy

In our area we have an organisation called freeflow that offers counselling to women. Any support groups for women such as a well women centre usually offer this sort of thing though there will probably be a waiting list.

You could even contact the local college counselling tutor if all else fails as they will know of local groups that don't cost much if anything.

I wouldnt put too much focus on the divorce side of things. Get yourself sorted first as it seems from what you say that your daughter is picking up on your distress by clinging to you.

If you are not happy with ex seeing daughter on his own, arrange for a mediation service so he can see her at a contact centre until things get on a better footing between you all and you are strong enough to cope with having to see him. Either that, or can a family member or good friend step in and you can go out while he sees daughter in your home?

good luck x

kaze_2

Hi thanks for the replies,

did go to see a solicitor at the end of september and she advised me to try and keep things amicable between me and ex, which was fairly easy to do as he wasn't texting me about seeing DD, think will have to go and see her again to get this sorted.

Maggied, i did trust him and thought he could manage looking after DD, but since the split this so called friend of mine has basically said that my relationship with ex was non existant for the last 3 years, before he asked me to marry him and i found out i was pregnant and that i had trapped him in a relationship that he didn't want to be in???!! and most of the men in the town where i live have a warped idea of looking after their kids when they split up, as in they have them for the weekend, spend the day with them and then get somebody else to look after them while they go to the pub because footballs on and its a saturday which to me is not the right thing to do, and because thats what most of my ex's friends do you can guarantee he would do the same and i don't want my dd to be left with somebody who i don't know.

Think will make an appointment at the doctor's tomorrow to see if i can see one of their counsellors, really wish could just sort things out, am normally the kind of person that can cope with anything but it just seems everything has gone wrong all at the same time.