How do you keep the love alive - on verge of splitting.........

Littlemiss-lotsofdebt

I've been with my partner for 6 years and we've lived together for 2 years, but lately I've found we seem to have little to talk about and/or have time for each other.

It's my partners house, and I moved in 2 years ago. I give him money each month to pay towards the mortgage/bills and buy all of the food/cleaning stuff/toiletries, and do all of the housework;- cooking, cleaning, shopping etc.

We both work full time, have our own friends and hobbies, yet lately we just don't seem to have anything to talk about. I admit, I've had a lot of stress lately, threat of redundancy and change of role, conflict within my family and illness of parent and so probably haven't been especially tolerant but even through this, I feel very unsupported by him. I do get resentful that he doesn't lift a finger around the house but he just says that he doesn't ask me to do things, and to leave them if I don't want to do them.

I workship the ground he walks on and would do anything to make him happy but I rarely feel he cares. I've raised this with him many times but he just says he does love me and I should know it.

I'm so scared the spark is going out of our relationship. I love him to bits and can't imagine being with him but I also know that at the end of the day he can kick me out of the house without a second glance, as I haven't a financial share in it.

What do you guys recommend? Am I just being emotional about this? What can I do to improve this? Talking to him just doesn't seem to work....

nearlyrich

First of all have a hug because I think you need one....

Whilst it is hard to imagine life without him, curently life with him isn't much fun for you is it? If I was in your position I would have a think about what you want out of your relationship, what you need and what you can manage without.

Next you need to sit down and have a non-confrontational chat about your relationship, don't say " you do this" or "you don't do that" tell him how much you care for him and that you want to spend your life together but currently you are unhappy and you need to see if you can sort out the issues.

Some men don't communicate feelings well and it can be quite hard to handle. Hope you get it sorted soon.

Lady_E

I would be tempted just to head off for the weekend to somewhere nice and peaceful and for both of you to relax. Once you are chilled out , just mention you are feeling insecure with all that has been happening and need some support and tlc. It maybe that in his eyes he sees you coping with everything and he is not required for any further support. On the issue of housework etc , could you not draw up a rota , or each have set chores? I have it in my head that you could claim something back if you split ,but I think someone like Bossyboots or another poster could clarify that for you .
Good luck , hang on in there , you have had a lot happening and just need to work out what you want.

nelly05

@ Littlemiss-lotsofdebt, it seems like you are having a real bad time at the mo.

I agree with the above posters that essentially you need a break. It needs to be the twop of you together with no outside interferences, no housework, cleaning etc to do. Nothing flash either, its about feelings not what you can afford.

You need to get to the fundamentals of how each other feels. You are confident in the way you speak about him, so you need to feel that back, and time away is one way of seeing if you get this. It just gets you away from the mundane tasks and back to basics.

If you manage to come away from the break feeling better and more ready to face the world, then the other stuff can be worked at. As suggested above, rotas etc, because lets face it, blokes will often buy a new dinner set before washing the old one.

6 years is a long time but people often forget that they still need to work at a relationship when they live together. Too many people make all the effort early on and then get into the "comfort zone", where things slip into boring routine. Living on the edge of the comfort zone will often provide enough pazazz to keep things hot

Good luck with it.

kenwood33

In reply to the above comments,yes it is good to get away for the weekend just the two of you and be able to talk about your marriage but and there is a but when you return it could well go back to square one as it did with myself.

I tried to make it work but every weekend when I had a small baby to contend with and he had no work I was cajoled to behave like a good wife and be sexy etc etc and it made me cry buckets, I never had any help at night with the baby at all and I also had a part time job and never returned home until 3.30am some mornings and still had to be up for 8am the same morning with no help. My husband was in and out of work due to the nature of his trade and didn't appreciate me one little bit looking after the baby.

To cut a long story short I went on to have an affair which was glorious and lasted the best part of 2 years but it made me look at myself and ask that question why? is that what I really wanted and am I really still a woman foremost and not just a sex machine!, I subsequently broke up with my husband after 24 years of marriage and many many arguments and tears and now I have remarried and am happy for the first time in my life with a wonderful man who I adore with a passion. This was not a decision that should be took lightly but one that I had to take and would not be right for everyone who is unhappy in their marriage and they want it to work but this is my story and I hope that it helps anyone reading this.;)

Gorgeous_George

The problem is that he has his friends and you have yours.

You need to be a couple. If you go out for a night, go together or don't go.

IMO, adultery should be a criminal offence. It's all too easy for a marriage to be ended because one or both parties have become bored.

GG

ab7167

But why should you only ever go out together? My partner and I have been together nearly 6 years, we both have nights out with our friends separately. We do go out together as well, both with other couples and alone. The key is balance, I would hate a relationship where I only ever went out if my partner went out as well.
I always thought that in a relationship, him + me should be more than the sum of our parts, not less. So we have both our separate lives, and our life together. I'm sorry if that sounds confused.

With regard to the original post, it sounds like he might (possibly unknowingly) be takinig slight advantage of the fact that you worship the ground he walks on. Seeing as he said he doesn't mind if you don't clean - just stop, and see if he likes it with no cleaning, or cooking, or laundry.

If the worst comes to the worst, yes he can kick you out. But you can just leave as well, it works both ways.

Ali

Dead_Eye_Jones

I noted the 'own friends interests' bit too. Maybe thats part of the problem, sure have your own interests but you gotta get involved in each others lives too - and surely you should both want to because those are the things that make your partner who they are.

My partner often accuses me of not being interested in her, I know the situation well. For my part its just that im quite passionate about my interests and she tends to keep out, so when im stuck into something I can see that I come across as blanking her. However we spend much time together and enjoy each others company, we still have fun together, we make each other laugh and we support each other. After 6 years we seem to be going OK, but as always there are highs and lows. I remember someone saying if you feel in love only half the time then you are doing well - and Im certainly ahead of that...

As Jerry Springer always says, 'you know its right when working at a relationship doesnt seem like work at all'. I believe that, its true that we have to work at it, but it doesnt feel like effort - if that makes sense.

Ultimately you have to ask whether he is really into the relationship, only you can determin that, but ask yourself whether he continously prioritises other people, his own interests, is he keen to distance his finances, does he ever talk about you in his future? I think its quite possible to take people we care about for granted so all may not be lost, but you gotta decide what you want.

As always communication is key, talk to him, and trust your instincts, is he telling you what you want to hear or is there a glimmer of passion still there. Has he just comfy with the situation or is there still real love?

I know my feelings towards my missus are there, sometimes I just want to hold her, just seeing her can lift my spirits, if we are apart for more than a day I start to miss her.



All the best...