should i stay or should i go?

Brighton_belle

Hi spora
I have a medical condition that leaves me shattered and the meds I have to take for it do too, so I understand the bone grinding fatigue.
The patient expert thing looks great - I was going to suggest counselling too: I found that helped so much. My counsellor totally understood the effects of my condition but helped me find tiny ways to find tasters of wanted to do, and to focus on small steps and what I wanted out of life etc. And slowly slowly life got better and better.

Your degree will never be wasted as degrees are not just about landing good jobs straight away:in 5 yrs time you may have found a line of work you passionately love, but need a degree to be accepted on a training programme for example. I know that seems a long way away now but if you take the birds eye view of life (as I have learnt to do) - you live say 80 yrs, then 2-3 ys is but a drop in the ocean. I know it is hard being in the middle of it though, and you haven't lived long enough yet to experience how things can improve and nothing stays the same for ever.

Every experience you have can enrich your life in some way(I'm talking about your degree not your illness). I never got to go to uni and my 1st job was putting tops on bottle in a perfume factory and I felt so ashamed at the time and worthless. 20 ys later it has proved to be invaluable to have experienced that sort of work and has definitely added to the rich taspestry of life.
Also, 22 is young to want to be a counsellor; more life experience will definitely help you in that goal long term. At the moment, I think your own life needs more enrichment first. And you deserve that.
You also don't need to be worrying about kids etc - you have years and years before you need worry about that and so much can happen before then so you life qualty will be much better.

I totally get your fears and frustrations and I totally admire you being able to see that the problems with you relationship are caused by you and why i.e. dispirited and exhausted. I personally found I needed to find ways to be less isolated, which is why I moved to the vibrant town I did from the dull dull back of beyond, (but I was on my own at the time). I have slowly built up my interests and with that a range of wonderful friendships. I also have never been able to get beyond 12 hrs (paid) work a week. And yes that can still be imendsly frustrating but is balanced by the rich life i have built with hobbies etc and that takes time.

HTH in some tiny way

spora

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Hi spora
I have a medical condition that leaves me shattered and the meds I have to take for it do too, so I understand the bone grinding fatigue.
The patient expert thing looks great - I was going to suggest counselling too: I found that helped so much. My counsellor totally understood the effects of my condition but helped me find tiny ways to find tasters of wanted to do, and to focus on small steps and what I wanted out of life etc. And slowly slowly life got better and better.

Your degree will never be wasted as degrees are not just about landing good jobs straight away:in 5 yrs time you may have found a line of work you passionately love, but need a degree to be accepted on a training programme for example. I know that seems a long way away now but if you take the birds eye view of life (as I have learnt to do) - you live say 80 yrs, then 2-3 ys is but a drop in the ocean. I know it is hard being in the middle of it though, and you haven't lived long enough yet to experience how things can improve and nothing stays the same for ever.

Every experience you have can enrich your life in some way(I'm talking about your degree not your illness). I never got to go to uni and my 1st job was putting tops on bottle in a perfume factory and I felt so ashamed at the time and worthless. 20 ys later it has proved to be invaluable to have experienced that sort of work and has definitely added to the rich taspestry of life.
Also, 22 is young to want to be a counsellor; more life experience will definitely help you in that goal long term. At the moment, I think your own life needs more enrichment first. And you deserve that.
You also don't need to be worrying about kids etc - you have years and years before you need worry about that and so much can happen before then so you life qualty will be much better.

I totally get your fears and frustrations and I totally admire you being able to see that the problems with you relationship are caused by you and why i.e. dispirited and exhausted. I personally found I needed to find ways to be less isolated, which is why I moved to the vibrant town I did from the dull dull back of beyond, (but I was on my own at the time). I have slowly built up my interests and with that a range of wonderful friendships. I also have never been able to get beyond 12 hrs (paid) work a week. And yes that can still be imendsly frustrating but is balanced by the rich life i have built with hobbies etc and that takes time.

HTH in some tiny way

Thanks for the post i really appreciate it, its good to hear from someone who has been/is going through the same sort of thing as me. I dont know anyone with anything like this so it feels quite lonely. Although people understand i feel like they can never completely understand what its like.

I understand what you are saying about my degree not being a waste but it is so frustrating that straight after i finished uni i was diagnosed with this condition. Its also hard for me as i have always worked part time since i was 13 apart from my last year of uni when my health rapidly deteriorated. But you're right, im sure it will be useful in the end.

I know 22 is young to want to be a counsellor and most courses wont even accept you until you are 25. My reason for this is that from the age of 16-21 i was severely depressed. Nothing helped me until i saw this amazing counsellor who began to lift my depression in a matter of weeks. I want to be able to help others like she helped me. But out of everything talking about emotions and stuff is the most draining for me, so i have to accpet that i might not be able to do that as a career. But then again maybe i will, who knows. Im trying not to think about that too much anyway as thats a long term goal, which i wont be able to achieve for a good few years even if i didnt have my condition.

Me and my bf were going to move to London because it is so boring here and it will really help me being in a big city having every thing so close. I should be able to do a lot more there. Everything is so spaced out here by the time i have travelled anywhere i am really tired. But that has been put on hold as he may be made redudant in May next year. We wont know till then.

I agree with what everyone has said, i really need to get out there a bit and find some hobbies/interests.

I am definatly going to get some counselling or that NHS thing. One of the biggest problems i have is not knowing what the future holds. I know no one does, but its more real for me (if you see what i mean). My condition cannot be cured but i may live a pretty normal life if i find some meds that work. Then again it might get worse and i could also develop cataplexy (i think about 50% of narcoleptics develop it) which is where you lose control of your muscles when you experience any emotion- so if you find something funny it will cause you to collaspe. And that scares the hell out of me. I would lose all of my independance and be completely reliant on my bf.

Do you mind me asking, what knid of work do you do?

I had a big talk with my bf ealier. He doesnt see any of this as my fault as i cant help my condition but agrees things need to change. The first step is to try everything suggested, so get a hobby and some condition management/counselling. If this doesnt help then i will move out and we will take it from there. Until then im really going to try and think positive and keep calm.

Thanks for all the replies guys. Its good to get an outsiders view on everything because i feel like im in the middle of a big mess right now and its hard to make sense of it.

Errata

Have you tried writing it down as if it was a project ? eg the project is Total Chaos, so it needs to be broken down into all its different components - health, home, boyfriend, no job, interests.........I'm sure you get what I mean. Then you can start to develop mechanisms for dealing with each area and for linking areas to each other.
Sometimes the act of writing things down in a planned way helps to clarify what needs to happen next and what can or can't happen next.
We're all good at thinking about things, but sometimes thinking just goes round and round in circles, but there's less likelihood of that happening with a written road map
HTH

Brighton_belle

You are welcome spora. Where you are right now is tough, really tough and with regard to your unknown future, scary, I really appreciate that. The conversation with your bf this afternoon sounds very good. Again, well done for having the courage and determination to address these issues when feeling so drained. He sounds a good man too.

I understand your frustration re your degree - that is totally normal to feel what you do, and having your wings clipped just at the moment you should be opening the cage door and flying is harsh.
Don't ever be afraid to say how hard it is: it is easy for anyone else to offer 'encouragement' for the future like I did, but we're not the ones dealing with your here and now. There have been times when I have needed to beable to say I am struggling and be 'heard'.

I get why you want to be a counsellor - that is a very good reason. And everything you learn now with how on earth to cope with such a difficult situation and such an unknown future will stand you in very good stead in helping others in the future. So don't give up on the dream. In may be fulfilled in a completely different way to the one you can imagine right now.

I am very lucky with my work in that 10 yrs a go, someone I had known previous to my illness needed a 'girl friday' to work for her within her business - she is an Independent Financial Advisor. We gave it ago, and with her support of my needing flexible hrs (on a bad day I don't come in but am not paid) I do admin type work - I keep the books, restock the stationary and deal with clients on the phone. It can be a bit dull,and not what I dreamed of, but I have discovered a gift i didn't now I had in bookeeping (basically she let me have a go at all sorts to see what suited me) and I work with really lovely people which helps and the structure of work is beneficial for me there is no doubt.

I like erratas ideas about writing things down to untangle and clarify.

Sometimes the simplest things can unlock answers...through doodling, when I hadn't the strength to do anything else, I uncovered a creative talent I never knew I had (I fails O' level art with the lowest possible grade, lol).
I now make mosaics for fun and am beginning to sell a few and find it so fulfilling - only a few at a time and at the pace I can manage.

I hope this forum can continue to help you find a sounding board and realise you are not quite as alone as you feel right now

spora

Errata wrote: »

Have you tried writing it down as if it was a project ? eg the project is Total Chaos, so it needs to be broken down into all its different components - health, home, boyfriend, no job, interests.........I'm sure you get what I mean. Then you can start to develop mechanisms for dealing with each area and for linking areas to each other.
Sometimes the act of writing things down in a planned way helps to clarify what needs to happen next and what can or can't happen next.
We're all good at thinking about things, but sometimes thinking just goes round and round in circles, but there's less likelihood of that happening with a written road map
HTH

Thats a very good idea. I tend to think of all these things that i need to start doing (e.g. more exercise etc) and then i just forget about them (possibly down to tiredness) and then a few days later i will think oh crap i forgot to start exercising again, i will start tomorrow (and then forget again). Will give it a go!

spora

Brighton_belle wrote: »

You are welcome spora. Where you are right now is tough, really tough and with regard to your unknown future, scary, I really appreciate that. The conversation with your bf this afternoon sounds very good. Again, well done for having the courage and determination to address these issues when feeling so drained. He sounds a good man too. Yeah, i couldn't wish for anyone more understanding, hes a keeper! I really owe a lot to him. He was the one who (after a couple of years) managed to get me to go to counselling when i was depressed. He was also the one who made me go to the doctors when it became apprent i wasnt just tired because i staying up too late or something. I think going to counselling has taught me to recognise a problem, what causes it and seeing that if i dont deal with it head on its not going to go away.

I understand your frustration re your degree - that is totally normal to feel what you do, and having your wings clipped just at the moment you should be opening the cage door and flying is harsh. That is exactly how i feel.
Don't ever be afraid to say how hard it is: it is easy for anyone else to offer 'encouragement' for the future like I did, but we're not the ones dealing with your here and now. There have been times when I have needed to beable to say I am struggling and be 'heard'. Again, spot on (although im sure you understand more than most because of what you have been through). I can and do talk to my bf whenever i have a problem, but i feel like i need to change the record a bit. It helps me a bit to talk about it but after a couple of days i feel the same as its something i can do little about to change. So i do feel a bit bad moaning all the time. Others have it much worse than me anyway.

I get why you want to be a counsellor - that is a very good reason. And everything you learn now with how on earth to cope with such a difficult situation and such an unknown future will stand you in very good stead in helping others in the future. So don't give up on the dream. In may be fulfilled in a completely different way to the one you can imagine right now. I hope so! Even if it doesnt happen, if i end up in a job i like then im happy (my mum has always hated her job, but stayed in it, so is always miserable, so top priority for me jobwise (other than being able to support myself) is that i enjoy it).

I am very lucky with my work in that 10 yrs a go, someone I had known previous to my illness needed a 'girl friday' to work for her within her business - she is an Independent Financial Advisor. We gave it ago, and with her support of my needing flexible hrs (on a bad day I don't come in but am not paid) I do admin type work - I keep the books, restock the stationary and deal with clients on the phone. It can be a bit dull,and not what I dreamed of, but I have discovered a gift i didn't now I had in bookeeping (basically she let me have a go at all sorts to see what suited me) and I work with really lovely people which helps and the structure of work is beneficial for me there is no doubt. Wow, you sound really lucky. I had an admin job when i was at uni, not the most exciting job but i secretly quite liked it- i love organising things! My neurologist said that a lot of people with my condition cant work in an office enviroment as it makes them too tired (sitting down all day etc). But thats ok for me, if i cant be a counseller i want to try and do something outdoors anyway (hopefully with animals).

I like erratas ideas about writing things down to untangle and clarify.

Sometimes the simplest things can unlock answers...through doodling, when I hadn't the strength to do anything else, I uncovered a creative talent I never knew I had (I fails O' level art with the lowest possible grade, lol).
I now make mosaics for fun and am beginning to sell a few and find it so fulfilling - only a few at a time and at the pace I can manage. I would be amazed if i find something like that, im am the most uncreative person ever! They say everyone has a talent, im yet to find mine (im more of an average at everything than good at one thing bad at another type of person) perhaps this is a good oportunity to find it.

I hope this forum can continue to help you find a sounding board and realise you are not quite as alone as you feel right now I cant believe how many nice replies and good suggestions i have had. I was expecting some posts telling me im being lazy or something, but everyone has been so nice

Thanks again for all the suggestions and words of wisdom, i really appreciate it.