Telling your family about your debt

Rattykat

Hi all,

I’ve decided to tell my mum about my debts tonight. I’m scared stiff about telling her though, she’s already bailed my out 2 years ago. I’ve had “personal issues” that my family are aware and have run everything up again. I promised that I wouldn’t do it but I have I feel like such a failure as a daughter and as a human being.
I am dealing with my debts but I can’t deal with sneaking around and watching what I say when I see her, making up excuses as to why I’m always broke etc. My OH (who is fully aware of my debts) has encouraged me to talk to her, I’m just soooo worried.
How did you guys going about telling your family?

Kay_Peel

In my opinion, debts are a private matter and they are for the individual alone. There is no reason whatsoever for an independent, fully-grown adult to tell their mother anything.

Unless, of course, you want to involve your mother. Do you need her financial help? Do you need her to judge you and tell you off as though you were 15 again? Do you want the family to kiss it better? It depends on what your motive is in telling the family. It depends also on how mature, independent and proud you are.

Everyone's different in the way they cope and I think I would prefer to keep information from the family until I was on top of and in control of the situation.

DarkConvict

For some people it is better to talk, or other people it isn't it really depends on how you feel. I come from a family where been open is the best policy to take and it works out well for the most part.

Have you spoken to a charity like national debtline or CCCS, debts can be manageable with effort, as can be seen by those that after 6 years have paid off over £100k of debt. Its a rarity that people manage that but many succeed in paying back £1000's a year by following a regime for good money management.

MrsTinks

See I disagree Tell your mum but tell her you need her moral support and NOT her financial support. Bailing people out doesn't teach them the lessons that need to be learnt about debt and repaying it. There are hundreds if not thousands of people on here who can testify to that

My mum is a great friend and therefor has a pertty good idea of our level of debts - but I would never ask her to bail me out and she'd never offer. My step siblings have been bailed several times - and keep going back asking for more because they got bailed out the first time they are (well... were!) confident that they would be again. Imagine their horror when one day the bank of mum and dad closed! And I'm proud to say part of it was my doing - I had a chat to my mum and step dad and pointed out that at well over 30 they should be old enough to look after themselves. Their squandering has meant that our parents haven't had money to go on holidays together or do things to their house that needed doing. 2 years after the bailouts stopped they have just had a load of work done on the house that they have been wanting to get done for about 8 years

BUT they have also started helping the older kids (older... heck I'm turning 30 in 2 odd weeks!!!) with managing their finances... showing them how to deal with their budgets etc - not sure they have learnt yet but they will eventually

I see nothing wrong in getting the help and support to deal with debt from parents - but don't ask or let them bail you out

Rattykat

Oh no, the last thing I want is a bail out. I just want to be able to talk to her about it. My OH has never been in debt so doesn’t really get it. My Mum has always been there for me through my “problems” and I feel like I owe it to her to be honest so that we can have a better relationship. Please don’t think I’m asking for a bail out. I’m 24 and if I’m capable of building debt I’m capable of sorting it out too!

ZarZar1990

Hi Ratty, good luck on telling your Mum, I'm glad you can tell her things like this.

In my family I've got two extremes, my mother has about 3 Credit cards and an OD and my stepdad is constantly bailing her out (they have a weird financial relationship for a married couple in that they keep all their finances seperate! )
So even though I'm in debt, I think I'm more financially mature than my Mum, thanks to you lovely people and having my LBM :T
If I told my Mum, she'd panic, and probably get my Stepdad to bail me out, but I don't want that. I need to do this myself, at the age of 19, even though I've had a job since I was 13, I'm finally learning the true value of money.

My Dad is really good with his money, and hates the thought of owing anyone, his only debt is his mortgage, he hates these companies like Brighthouse, that deal purely in finance etc, and thinks things worth having are worth saving for, however, if I told him about my debt, he'd go absolute INSANE, like he would be so angry and disappointed in me, but he would also bail me out, and I don't want that.

Even if I just told my parents about it for moral support, they would insist on bailing me out, so I just decided not to tell them, I may tell them in the far away future when this debt is just a bad memory, but not yet.

Good luck Ratty, its really good if you've got a relationship with you mother where she can offer you moral support, she might be upset originally, but only out of worry for you, just let her know you've got it under control, but you wanted to tell her so she knows why you're always skint.

good luck! xxx

Kay_Peel

Rattykat wrote: »

I feel like I owe it to her to be honest so that we can have a better relationship. Please don’t think I’m asking for a bail out. I’m 24 and if I’m capable of building debt I’m capable of sorting it out too!

You may not ask for a bail out, but your mother might feel differently. I know I would.

What about making this conversation with your mother part of your Recovery Plan? 'Mum, I'm not going to be able to splash out on Christmas because money is tight. Can we come to some agreement about how much we spend on each other? My budget is £x.xx for family and friends. I really can't spend any more. What do you think?'

If she asks how much you are in debt, I wouldn't tell her. 'I'd rather not say, Mum. I've got a budget and I'm sticking to it. I'm just asking for your help in making the family understand why I can't splash out on them and to come to some agreement.'

If I heard that, I'd be a very proud mother. :T

ZarZar1990

Any word on how it went?