Please Please give me some advice

feel-so-stupid

Hi Many thanks for all your advice.
I feel that the house is my only security, that is why I don't want to sell.
I am leaving next week, try and get my head together and try and get a small rented place. I have been signed off work and my employer will pay me my salary (just for a few months) as I am unable to return to work, I will have to claim benefits until I am well enough to work.
My husband feels that I am a fool with money (he is probably right) He has "secret" savings and always has had. He does tend to be a bit tight with money (wish I had been). We have separate bank accounts, he is a "saver" and feels that this is his money. I have asked him to help me (lend me money) but he refuses, he thinks I deserve all this stress for getting the loans.
My kids are all grown up now, two are at University and I have told them I cannot send them anymore money.
I have humiliated myself, I don't really blame my husband for being angry. We are not getting on and I suppose a separation is on the cards. I feel terrified for my future, not so much being alone at my age, but being in debt and having a CCJ or something. I won't be able to get a mortage or anything.

russjacks

can't say a lot to help. but i do feel for you and i am sending all my love and hugs, hope all go's well and keep your chin up.:)

wendym

I think you're sounding impressively rational.
You deserve a much kinder name for this site.
I shall think of you as 'keeping head above water'.
Wx

russjacks

Sorry just read your last entry. ive changed my mind i do have something to say.
how dare he, he is your husband, there to help you though bad times and good, not just there to turn his back on you when its bad and wash his hands of you. go and get help from the CAB or a solicitor and claim whats yours. his so called savings surely half belongs to you, so go get them.

sorry to be harsh but this is what gives us good men a bad name.

calleyw

wendym wrote:

You deserve a much kinder name for this site.

I agree. You are not stupid. So please don't think you are. Be a little kinder to yourself as well.

I wish you all the best.

Take care.


Yours


Calley

CLAPTON

please dont be so harsh on yourself
how much of your debt has been incurred because you were spending money on the family (kids at uni) or the house while he had 'secret savings' and is a 'bit tight' with money. will he be supporting the kids at uni now?

please go and see a lawyer so you know your rights

i would rethink about moving out .... this will cost money that would be better spent in other ways including your debts. also once moved out, it might be difficult to move back in if you change your mind.

dont do anything hasty. find out all the facts, lawyer, cab and also when you're ready to fully consider the financial situation, consider posting a Statement of Affairs here so people can provide practical financial ideas to help your debt situation.

better to plan for the future and save as much money as possible

resited

It can be tough at the best of time sorting out finances - if you're really struggling try and work with a friend on this.

Hopefully through CAB you get to the stage where someone is negotiating with creditors on your behalf and able to take the pressure off. If not ask again if you are struggling to carry out the CAB advice.

Say to your bank. It will then be obliged under the code of practice to assist you with a written plan - make sure they understand this is not a temporary cash flow issue.

At a later stage

Check your records, bank statements. You may have payment protection insurance hidden in amongst the repayments. Also you might have insurances on your mortgage, not always apparent as often part of the mortgage payment. If you do - phone and request claim form - just give basic facts over phone. They refuse lots of claims - in attempt to put you off - but stick with it and goto the ombudsman when you feel better.

good luck

calleyw

feel-so-stupid wrote:

My husband feels that I am a fool with money (he is probably right) He has "secret" savings and always has had. He does tend to be a bit tight with money (wish I had been). We have separate bank accounts, he is a "saver" and feels that this is his money. I have asked him to help me (lend me money) but he refuses, he thinks I deserve all this stress for getting the loans.
My kids are all grown up now, two are at University and I have told them I cannot send them anymore money.
I have humiliated myself, I don't really blame my husband for being angry. We are not getting on and I suppose a separation is on the cards. I feel terrified for my future, not so much being alone at my age, but being in debt and having a CCJ or something. I won't be able to get a mortage or anything.

Feel-so-Stupid,

I am going to be really horrible. But your husband sounds a total and utter pig.

You do not deserve any of this you are nice person. You have children who love you. You need to be careful the stress of this will only make your depression worse. So you end up in a catch 22 situation.

Why should you feel humilated you did what was best at the time for you and your children and your pig of a husband. And now he makes you feel for bad what you did to make sure you had a nice home.

Yours


Calley

In_Search_Of_Me

Welcome to DFW & a big hugaro from me! I think there are a number if issues here...(1) DO you actually want to stay with your husband? Is it a case of the children have left home and you've realised that you no longer have anything in common or that he is pushing you out or you cant stand to be there? (2) You sound as if your self esteem is very low and this is NOT being assisted greatly by a man saying you deserve what you get! Do you have any supportive friends/family that you can turn to for support and possibly a play to stay while you sort your head out? (3) PLEASE get legal advice...that way you can make informed choices about where to go from here....if there is equity in the house and you divorce he would have to buy you out. While I appreciate that you may not want to loose the security of the house what point is it when you need the money to make a fresh start...surely more security in that?
I divorced about 10 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did (although no kids & I was in my twenties). I no longer regognise the person I was then; I am more confident; whats mine (including my debt) is mine and I choose what happens in my life. This may seem daunting for you right now but try and take this as a great opportunity to make positive changes, and take control of your life. You have done your bit for your kids, nowis time for you - although try not to force them to make a choice between you/take sides as the issues are between you & your husband...As a final have you considered going to relate as a couple or if not for you to have some counselling (Can get it by GP) to help you sort your head out a bit? Just take it a day at a time and go easy on yourself...we all got ourselves in this mess and are all here helping each other to slowly get out of it. If you cant get support from your husband come here & we'll help all we can! Big hugs!

System

Not wishing to be unkind but in your circumstance i cant possibly see that you can afford the mortgage payments on the house your husbands going to live in and pay rent too. If you are unable to make payments on your mortgage you will have to see if he has grounds to take you off the deeds, which would probably make him a very happy and wealthy man if theres any equity left in it.

I cant see why you cant stay in the house and him get somewhere small, after all, he can afford to and you cant. He seems to be holding all the cards here from what i can see.

Please seek legal advice before you agree to anything.