Meeting BF’s “boyfriend”

Make-it-3

I’m going to be meeting BF’s boyfriend in a couple of weeks, she knows I don’t have a high opinion of their so-called “relationship”, so I’m looking for some advice on how to act with them. Here’s the background (sorry for the length):
They have been seeing each other for 15 years (yes, you read that correctly). I met him once, soon after they met, we were in a big group and he didn’t speak to any of us. For the first few months all seemed fine, then it drifted into her seeing him on Saturday nights in which they would go to the pub, back to his for sex and she home afterwards. She told me she didn’t like to stay overnight as she felt he was always keen to be rid of her in the morning. After a couple of years of this, he said it was over and he didn’t want the same things as her, basically she would have married him, but he found even one night a week too much of a commitment. Anyway he said “we can still be friends” and she desperate for any contact settled into a routine of seeing him maybe once every month or two , this has been ongoing ever since.
I think he knows she is much more keen on him than he on her, but as she’s willing to hang around he uses her for no-strings sex. She says he’s the love of her life, but that she knows he will never love her the way she does him. Over the years, I’ve had to put up with all the up’s and downs when he sees someone else and she gets upset, how he shuts her out of so much of his life, obviously he’s not interested in meeting her friends/family etc . I just don’t see it as a relationship of equals. These days I mostly switch the subject as soon as she mentions him because she never listens to my advice anyway.
So how would you manage the meeting?

ailuro2

Your best friend is exactly that- your best friend.

Tell her she's his f*** buddy and that you care too much for her to pretend any more.

Tell her she's worth so much more than being called upon only whenever he fancies a roll in the hay.

Say you can't meet him as you despise him, show her this thread, tell her you'll be there for her no matter what, but that you're not going to go ahead and pretend to like him.

Running_Horse

I'd be polite and let my friend live her own life.

Men only treat women like dirt when they let them.

MadameTriceratops

I guess that if you've advised her about what a waste of space he is and she just won't listen to you, all you can do is be as overtly polite as you can!
Keep the chat on neutral ground as far as you can, and hopefully if you're in a group you can use the excuse of chatting to the others to avoid talking to him as much as possible.

desperado2

I know I am a man, but really.. is this friend so lacking in self esteem and respect??

I see no reason to hate the guy, he appears to have been open (ish) and honest about what he wants and how he sees the relationship. Maybe he is "using" your friend.. but if she IS walking around with M U G stencilled on her fordhead.... who's fault is it??

So, how do you handle this? IMHO you confront your friend (thats what a good friend would do) and point out the problem as you see it in as kind an non confrontational way as you can manage, and dont make it specific to the guy.

I would suggest relationship couselling to her too - you can get it as a singleton not just as a couple.. or if she can afford it, maybe a few sessions with a general counsellor to address why she has such a low opinion of her own self esteem... you wont wean her off the guy until she has something better to cling on to, and if she is as bad as she seems, she will naturally seek out wasters, losers and users so no point making her go out to meet new people yet..

At the end of the day, you cant force her to change, only try to show her your concerns in a caring way until she accepts she needs to change, and takes control of that.. you might offend her, she may walk away from you.. thats tough and not nice.. but talk to anyone who ever loved a self abuser and you will find it is the only way.. be it drink, drugs, or sex.

The_Banker_5

I think you should concentrate more on your own life.

Errata

I just don’t see it as a relationship of equals. So how would you manage the meeting?

TBH I think calling it a relationship is stretching things. It's casual sex for both of them. Being courteous to those undeserving of courtesy is a sign of good manners and maturity.

Make-it-3

I do generally stay out of it, but she's engineered this meet, invited me and OH and then this man. She's going through one of the stages where she's being delusional about the "relationship". To be honest I half expect/hope he will cancel as he doesn't like going on anything that can be construed as a date with her.

Sometimes she does see the real picture, but she doesn't act on it, I can't see anything changing ever, as some of you have said if she wants to be a mug. Yes there are self-esteem issues - but again if she chooses to ignore them .....

If it does go ahead I will of course be polite, but I just feel very awkward and of course I'll be biting my tongue.