Just discovered husband's problem ebay use

lostandscared

Hi all. This is going to be very long, sorry! I never thought I'd need to post a thread on here - I had some smallish debts in the past, but cleared them under my own steam about five years ago. Since then I've been a saver, and my husband and I managed to save up a substantial deposit for the house we bought at the beginning of this year and I thought we had plenty of slack in the system to get us through any hard times, even though I was about to go on maternity leave (our baby is now six months old).

I really thought my husband was on board, and that there were no secrets between us. I take care of most of the finances. We have a joint account, into which my husband pays a set amount each month from his own account, then I make sure there's enough to pay all the bills and shift any left over into savings. Whatever he has left in his account is his to spend, and should be plenty.

But, last night I discovered that he had run up an overdraft and had just asked his bank to increase the limit again (I'd had suspicions because he'd been making secretive phone calls to the bank). I asked him about this and he said that he was dealing with it, and that he'd just had some work stuff to pay for (travel expenses etc) and that he'd get it back and not to worry. I told him it was silly to be paying high interest on the money when we had plenty in the savings account to cover it and we agreed that we'd clear it this month and he would work harder on budgeting in future.

Anyway, I was pretty annoyed that my hard work scrimping and saving to make sure we had enough to get us through my maternity leave was being undermined, but he had obviously been worrying himself sick about this money and I thought that now it was out in the open it would be ok, so I just decided to draw a line under it.

But I knew that he'd been buying lots of stuff on ebay, and it started niggling that I'd basically been denying myself and spending money on the baby and the bills and groceries instead, while he'd been getting parcel after parcel and getting into debt to do it.

I couldn't sleep and decided to go and have a look at his ebay profile and add up what he'd been spending so that I could show him how much easier it would be to stay within his means if he cut back a bit, expecting him to be spending maybe £50 per month. What a bombshell! In the last 90 days he's spent over £500 on there on dozens and dozens of transactions, and who knows how much before that. It seems to have snowballed recently, too.

I was so angry, I woke him up and confronted him about it. He got really upset and started saying that he knew he'd been stupid and wanted to sort it out himself and not involve me. From what he said it's obviously become a compulsive thing, and he's been making himself miserable with it over the last few months. Things have been stressful recently - first baby, new house, stress at work, etc - but it just seems like madness for him to be doing this when he knows we really have to watch every penny right now.

I'm so torn between being totally livid with him for wasting so much money, and wanting to help him and stop him being so obviously stressed and miserable. I feel betrayed because he'd hidden this from me and because I'm scared thinking about where it could have ended up if it had gone further and he'd borrowed more and more.

Anyway, thanks for reading this far! I'm really looking for some advice on how to tackle this when he gets home from work this evening. I love him to bits and he's a fantastic father and husband, but I don't know how we move on from this horrible mess when I don't know if I can trust him any more. I'd really love to hear from people who've successfully dealt with this sort of problem spending. Thanks!

gilligansyle

Hi and welcome. Got nothing to offer sorry except moral support, but someone will be able to help as its like any addiction. You must be feeling angry and hurt at the moment.

jamespir

wel welcome and thanks for that
my advice cut the plug off the computer
then sit down and talk to him about it
whats he been buying on ebay he muxt have something to show for it
so have a sale and sell the stuff and then perhaps ouull have some money

GeorgeUK

It sounds like he's buying stuff on ebay as a means of escapism.
Is he stressed because of the new baby and new house?

People have different ways of coping with stress and this may have been his release. It would be beneficial to help him develop new stratagies for coping and also for identifying when he is becoming stressed so he can deal with it before it goes too far.

As already stated, he may be able to sell some of the items he has bought. Is there any pattern in the things he buys or is it just random stuff that might make him feel better?

As for saving the money back again, how is his credit rating? Any late payments or defaults? He may be able to get a 0% creditcard to transfer the overdraft to (some cards allow money transfers as part of the promotion) - this way at least he will not be paying interest on what he owes and will hopefully be able to clear it before the end of the 0% promotion. Virgin have a 16 month promotion on right now.

jennyo

I think it can become some what of an addiction, buying things you don't need or really even want. I think it starts off as money saving getting a bargain, and rolls out of control.
My mum died at the beginning of July, we always knew she purchased from the shopping channels, it was her money, her business, and she wasn't getting into debt to do it. However the scale of the purchases was enormous, as we were clearing out the house, boxes unopened, and the money she had spent was horrendous.
i struggled to understand at first, why someone who had been so careful with her money when we were young had taken to throwing it away on rubbish and duplicates of rubbish.
help you husband he needs you, we all make mistakes.

Percy1983

I will admit a lot of debt is from me spending money when I was depressed and much like you other half it just got worse. In my case ws the depression was because of my (then) other half leaving me so I didn't have anybody which then ment the problem went unchecked. I was buying things because they where bargains really on ebay and many other sites.

As it is I can now see the error in my ways and am now turned it round to be addicted to selling on ebay to a point. In you other halfs case if he has bought a lot recently, he has probably got a few things he can sell now. Not only will it take up his time but it will give him a chance to partially right the wrong he has done now.

It may be hard to not be hard on him, but from somebody who has suffered a similar problem on my own, he does need you right now.

Actiongirl_2

Hi, just wanted to post a big hug. You sound very in love with your husband and I do feel that whatever advice you get, this is the bedrock of any solution.

I think you may have a few nights of talking through the night, but if it were me, I would stress time and again that I wouldn't stop loving my husband and I am there for him all the way. That way he may feel less trapped and more able to work together to find a solution.

yellowduck_2

I know what i have got to say is of no practical use but I think there reallly is such a thing as a shopping addiction and that this is made easier by on line shopping as the money does not physically leave your hand and you keep getting the "gratification" of buying until the debts inevitably catch up with you. You sound as if you really appreciate his many good qualities so if you feel able to talk to him about what has been going on rather than getting angry hopefully you will be both be able to find a way out of the situation. I am so convinced that the temporary buzz of buying and owning a new object is a means of self medication for a lot of people, we live in a consumer driven culture and being a "shopoholic" is seen as a bit of a joke but it can cause as much stress and debt as drug misuse in some instances. Good luck and hang on in there

katie1968

I would encourage him to learn how to sell on ebay in his spare time instead!

gfplux

Have you checked the savings accounts. he may have raided those to pay for his addiction.

kazwookie

flog all the stuff he has been buying on ebay.

Then make loads of family time and do stuff with your child, such as walks in the park, swimming, visiting family and friends

Good luck