Friend lying - what do I do?

brokeworkaholic

Very long story with a lot of issues so here's the short version....

I'm female, very open, genuine, tell the truth regardless as to whether I look a prat or not. He's male, agonisingly keeps himself to himself. Just close friends, we can talk & giggle for England but nothing physical. Both mid 30s. I keep finding out about little fibs he tells me. He is hiding things from me (Admittedly small stuff but because he deliberately lies to my face about it, it escalates into the whole "what sort of person does that make me if he can't tell me the truth?" thing.:mad:)

When I tell him I know the truth all he says is that his word is not good enough & that as a friend I can be there if he needs me but that I shouldn't have to know everything that goes on in his life. I definitely know he is lying as I have seen everything in writing. He has a heart of gold and I do genuinely care for & love him like a brother (which he knows):D

Am I kidding myself that he is hiding things from me because he is just naturally a (VERY PAINFULLY!!) secretive guy & has his pride so then just carries on lying to save face? Has he just no respect for himself nor for me? Am I being walked over? Am I taking it too personally that he deliberately hides vital stuff that's going on in his life but tells me there's nothing to tell? :mad::mad::mad::mad:

The absolute last thing I want to do is hurt him....just as he cares for me like a sister. I suppose I just accept him as he is or not at all & I look like a pushover?

ariarnia

If it's to save face cause he's embarrassed, and if it's small things that don't hurt him, break any laws, or hurt anyone else, I think discreetness might be the way to go.

You haven't said what kind of thing, but unless it's to do with manipulating you to doing something - like saying he's fine for money atm so you let him pay for takeout or whatever (at which point I would suggest insisting you go dutch anyway as it let's him save face and let's you be a joky feminist while helping him out.) I'm not sure how it leaves you as a walkover?

I don't know if you want to go into more detail, but that's what I think from what you've said.

Hermia

What sort of things does he lie about? I think whether his fibbing is a bad thing or not would hinge on that.

I'm a very private person and so would gloss over things I don't want to talk about which would probably infuriate a very open person! I have friends who have told little fibs to save face and I don't think it's necessarily a problem if the lie is small and doesn't hurt anyone. E.g. my friend fell apart when her husband left her and starting eating for England and put on tons of weight. She claimed the weight gain was down to medication. She knows this is not true, we all know this is not true and she knows we all know it's not true. But I think we all understand that is it easier for her to blame medication than admit she basically had a complete breakdown.

brokeworkaholic

Thankyou both for taking the time to get me to see sense.:D

Fibs range from telling me he's not communicating with certain people when he is & who he lives with. I did say there are issues! (nudge nudge)

When it comes to money we absolutely split things 50/50. We respect each other & are always there for each other but these little porkies are really getting to me today - maybe I'm just being too sensitive?

ElusiveLucy

I know exactly where you are coming from. My last two partners have been exactly the same and it really upsets me. I feel like they are taking me for a mug by thinking I will believe untruths, however unimportant. I guess it is just something you have to live with, but it really winds me up as sometimes I see no reason for it whatsoever. Sorry I don't have a magic answer, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in finding this difficult to deal with.

peachyprice

As he is just a friend, not a partner, I think you have to respect that there are things in his life he's not happy sharing with you.

Perhaps he thinks you'll be disappointed in him, perhaps he like the thrill of having secrets, whatever his reasons as long as he is not hurting anyone or doing anything illegal you will have to accept he likes to keep secrets from you if you want to continue the friendship.

I don't honestly see that makes you a walkover though, obviosly if you were in a relationship with him it would be different.

brokeworkaholic

Thankyou all so much for your views - I was really worried I would get criticised for being too controlling or unaccepting of people, when that isn't me at all.

Everything that's been said makes complete sense & I actually feel relieved & "normal" (Hate that word)

Take care xx

roswell

Now first off as just a friend why would it bother you ? ... are you sure thier isnt a little more you arent telling us ? :-)

brokeworkaholic

Absolutely nothing more to it, that's why I am wondering if I am taking it too seriously as an issue. If we were more than friends it would be an issue that I would have to deal with. My friends are vital to me.....which is why I don't want to upset the friendship.

belfastgirl23

OK this all depends.

Scenario one - he tells you he has a flat but he's actually living with his parents. This is probably a face-saving exercise to cover up embarassment. Therefore not especially nice but understandable.

Scenario two - he tells you he lives with his parents but he actually lives with his wife and kids. Run for your life, he's a creep who is denying something fundamental about his life.

Your question is really too vague. People have a lot of motivations for lying. Privacy isn't really one of them though, if you're good friends and he doesn't want to tell you something he should just say so (and mostly men will actually do that, being more straightforward than women). Personally my view is that he's either embarrassed about something, which is probably ok, or he's a control freak, which is a lot less ok.

seven-day-weekend

We have a friend who frequently tells lies.

Sometimes they are to get himself out of trouble, but usually it is because he thinks they are more interesting than the truth. He thinks for example that saying he's a Senior Teacher instead of a Classroom Assistant (this is not the case, just an example) will make people like him better and respect him more.

We've told him that we can see through the lies a mile away and like him just the way he is, but it is so ingrained in his psyche I don't think he will ever stop and it's just something we have to accept if we still want his friendship.

Perhaps your friend is like this?