Being Selfish

ukbadger_2

Hi , I posted once before about my bf's debt , several months on now and nothing resolved but some progress has been made - no lightbulb moment just a gradually increasing dimmer switch type effect.

To recap he's around £35k in debt , salary of £21k and works for the Inland Revenue so there are work implications potentially. He has no assets at all and rents a pretty rundown house from his dad but stays with me pretty much every night - he gives me £120 a month for food .


He spoke to the National Debtline a while ago who advised payplan and said he would not be eligible for bankruptcy as he had too much diposable income - so he contacted Payplan and they said they would send him information pack based on his SOA , it was never sent and he did nothing to chase until last week and it has now arrived. Ok upshot of this is that based on initial numbers he has £400 a month disposable income which he would have to pay back to creditors over 7 years to be debt free. In his outgoings he hasn't included any *luxury* items such as even a basic holiday , christmas and birthday expenses, new clothes once in a blue moon , or a night out now and again.

I know I'm being selfish and am preparing myself for a bit of hassle but I'm sorry I can't see how I can cope with spending the next 7 years with him if we can't have a holiday or enjoy life a little - feels like I have had none of the 'benefit' but all of the worry about his debt. I've been in a bit of debt in the past but now I earn a good salary and touch wood have managed to stay in a reasonable shape financially .I have been in a previous long term relationship where I have been taken for a ride financially and now I am reluctant to say the least to go down that road.

Bf's debt comes from two failed relationships in the main , paying half towards things , house etc then just walking away, but recently he hasn't helped matters by spending on nights out drinking which I think were his way of hiding from reality - fortunately this has now stopped too . he doesn't spend much on clothes , doesn't run a car , no boys toys ....

If I were talking about anyone else I would say tough he got into the debt and he should pay it back but I'm starting to really wish he would just go bankrupt. We have been together a couple of years but do not live together as I am insistent he cannot move into my house until he sorts this debt situation out - I had a miscarriage earlier in the year and we were planning for the future (I was even prepared to remortgage the house to clear his debts) , We really want things to move on , ie live together , marriage , another baby maybe but I feel like I am just treading water and it is getting me down (I have Crohn's disease and really think it is all starting to make me worse health wise).

Ok - some questions ...

Can he include any of the *luxury* items above on his outgoings on payplan ?
I know I am maybe being selfish but is going bankrupt really such a bad idea ? I have a mortgage in my name which would be ok going forward and the issue of credit rating is irrelevant as it's going to be ruined if he goes onto payplan.

If he increased his outgoings - for example if he moved in with me and I charged him rent , bills, food etc I assume it would mean his repayments would be lower but spread over a much longer period - not much point in this route.

At the moment he is really down and to be honest I am pleased - it is starting to hit home that it's serious and he must do something.

Sorry for it being so long .......

Hayley

Broken_hearted

Do not put any of his debt into your name!

ukbadger_2

I'm not going to - one option I have considered though is buying the house he rents from his dad could probably get it for rock bottom say £50k , I'd have to finance that and the refurbishment but ultimately if me and bf work on it together we could probably clear £25k on it which we could share ?

Spirited_2

Look he's got himself in debt, and has to sort it out. Surely you appreciate him taking care of his reponsibilities? Either you both have no holidays for the next seven years, or you pay for a holiday at somepoint and accept that he's in no position to pay his share of it. Is going without a holiday really so bad that you would consider not being in a relationship with him? Maybe the relationship isn't good enough :shrug:

I don't know about what can be included in the plan, so hopefully someone can help with that side of things. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and I'm sorry to hear about the baby. Are you getitng enough support?

Kindest Regards.

Emmzi

I think there's a broader issue of deciding how you really feel about b/f. He has a history of failed relationships (but then don't we all....)

Have you known him long enough to know you want to marry him/ spend the rest of your life together? If you do, I would suggest it doesn't matter if you're as poor as church mice if you have a roof over your heads and food on the table.

Or are you feeling financially taken advantage of? You're wise to be wary if, as you say, this has happened to you before - I have a terrible habit of picking the same kind of guy over and over again.

Is he able to get a second job and not doing it? Why is he in effect living on a handout from his dad (the flat he rents for buttons?)

If what really bothers you is holidays/ nights out - go with your mates!! But I think there are broader issues about the b/f situation than just the cash to look at.

kar

There is no way he should go for bankruptsy with an income like that he could pay off the debts and he shouldn't risk loosing his job and future employment in anything financially related for you. If he has a salary of 21K and rents a flat from his dad for a reduced price how does he only have £400 left over when you do an SOA? Post the SOA on here and I'm sure that it can be reduced so that more can go on paying off his debts. There has to be luxuries in there.

lazy&indebt

Maybe I am not understanding something but - he gives you £120 per month for food? Is that just for one person? I spend around £80 per month on food and it feeds me, and my OH most of the time!!

ukbadger_2

Thanks - feel like a bit of a b***h ont he selfishness front but you've all been very helpful.

His outgoings include maintenance for his daughter - £150 per month.

The £120 per month I get for food also pays for his travel to work , I drop him off, and any additional costs I have to pay for him staying with me most of the week eg extra utility costs for showers , washing machine , a few phone calls here and there - I don't think it's too excessive , If I could live in my house and get all meals provided and free transport to and from work for £120 I would think it's reasonable.

I will post the full SOA when I can - we have been talking it over this afternoon and he is going to go down the payplan route and see how he manages.

The second job is an option I have suggested but he works away from home most of the week and sundays are spent with his daughter. To be honest the working away thing accounts for quite a bit of his extra spending at the moment as he gets quite a minimal allowance for overnight stays - about £15 , if he was by himself not as much of an issue but with colleagues he can never stick to the allowance.

lynzpower

A few things really.

Once we see his SOA then Im sure that we will be able to see if there is any leverage anywhere.

1) post the soa
2) is he doing a spending diary
3) is he as committed to getting rid of his debt as you are
4) whats his understanding of how it affects you
5) of course dont put things in your name
6) time to get creative. We cant afford a holiday this year ( although before I would have *found* the money) so we are going to a family beach house in dorset for free and we are doing it on the megabus. the week should cost us about £20 beofre food, which we'd be buying here in any case. Scrounge a tent & go camping, the UK is lovely, it doesnt have to cost a bomb either.

I think this 120 is an issue, at the end of the day, if hes staying all the time at yours surely you should be charging him rent and he should be dumping the house he rents from his dad? Or is it you dont want him to be there permanently. Dont go into buying out his dads place adn doing it up & selling it,it might seem like a get rich quick scheme but these sorts of things only work if you have a lot of cash behind you, and not financed by debt.

ukbadger_2

I agree that the whole renting his dads house and not being there doesn't make sense but I am reluctant to do the whole moving in thing until he addresses the debt issue plus I once shared my home with someone refused to leave (no money for a deposit , no family nearby etc etc and was quite evil basically !

To be honest he knows it needs to be sorted out but the lightbulb hasn't fully switched on. Part of him still thinks he would be better off continuing to pay his loan (£25k over 6 years) and the minimum payment on his credit card !!!

Going to do a SOA with him now - will post once completed

ukbadger_2

This is what has been initially discussed with Payplan

Debts - unsecured loan balance £25k at 7.9%
Overdraft £450
Halifax Visa £5k APR approx 14.9%
Egg Visa £5k again 14.9 %

Tried to get a 0% card by barclaycard but credit limit offered only £2k so he declined it

Income

£1210

Rent £260
Insurance £14
Elec & Gas £40
Maintenance / Child Support £150
TV Licence £11
Telephone £20
Mobile Bill £25
Travel to work £ 80 (I can't drop him off when I start new job in July)
Food £180 (this includes the £120 for me , lunches, food when staying at his place plus food when travelling)
Clothing Footwear £20
Dentist / Prescriptions £5
Hairdressing £5

Total £810


Leaves him £400 to pay back his debts

Things excluded :

He has missed out - council tax £50 ish , is going to check.
Nothing in for Christmas or birthdays
We have a gym membership of £25 - hasn't included as creditors likely to tell him to cancel ?? To be honest saves more than it costs as not going out as much but will probably have to go.
Newspapers / Magazines £8 per month
Internet £9.99 pm
Sky Tv - he has basic package , again he has excluded as creditors will prob view as luxury.
Dry Cleaning - must wear suit for work , estimate £10 pm for dry cleaning and replacement every 18 months or so

Are any of the above (excluding council tax) ok to put on his payplan ? Christmas and Birthdays for example ?