Trying to help someone who maybe doesnt want to be helped.

Legacy_user

Hi Everyone,

Just wondered what your thoughts were regarding this situation.

My G/fs brother has had credit problems in the past but had just about got himself sorted (he was forced to by his mother taking a % of his earnings to make the payments). Howver he moved in with a woman and she is now pregnant, alongside her two current kids.

Now the chap is ok, but I kind of feel sorry for him now, no gadgets anymore or anything and his 2K a month take home isnt meeting his new commitments. We know this as red letters re appearing and debt companies are chasing him.

Now he should be able to cope on 2k take home, but the new gfs mobile bill is like £300 a month, as well as she only does 10 hours a week or so. The fact that they have 2 cars on hp and only one of them can drive is kinda funny, in a sad way. The fact that 2 meals a day are eaten at KFC/McDs/Whatever also cant help any.

Now as I said, I feel sorry for the guy and I did toy with the idea of getting him Martins book for his birthday, but im not sure it would be appreciated, even if the intent is good. I want to help the guy fix it all up.

What would you do?

tru

Does he know that you know about his credit probs? If he does, you could ask him how he managed because you have a CC/loan/whatever problem. Then, a few days later, you suddenly 'find out' about Martin's book and go round to show him.

Well that's what I'd do

Thriftylady

I've been in this situation with a friend, and I'm sadly coming round to the idea that its not worth getting involved. My friend moans to me constantly that she can't survive on the salary she earns, as if its someone elses fault that she lives a life of utter extravagance (holidays to Australia, hundreds of pounds a month spent on socialising, new clothes every week), but when I pointed out (gently) that it is possible to break out of the trap if you really want to, she just said it was easy for me but that it was different for her. And then she ripped out her old (perfectly functioning) bathroom and put a new one in !!!! All paid for by loans and credit cards.

lynzpower

OP, as you have got debt, couldnt you start a chat like, god how are you coping its a right slog for me?

roses

I agree with Thriftylady. I have a friend who is always moaning about their debt. Me & my boyfriend try to help because we think he is asking since he talks about it all the time but then he comes in every day with M&S carrier bags with his lunch in it & does not take any advice that we give.

I don't bother giving advice anymore when he complains about how much debt he's in. It's pretty obvious he doesn't want to be dug out of his hole as he doesn't want to compromise anything in his life to get out of debt.

People won't accept help until first they've helped themselves by realising what they are doing wrong.

tesuhoha

Instead of buying Martin's book as a birthday present, you could buy him the Supersize Me DVD. (If there is one). He should watch the film anyway. It is enough to frighten anyone away from McDonalds and he will at least understand the health implications for children and a pregnant woman. The mobile is just madness.

lynzpower

At the end of the day you cant turn on someones lightbulb for them. pre LB for me, I wouldnt hear of changing suppliers to save *negligible* money, or saving interest off my CC.

Is there any chance that his partner is taking him for a bit of a mug?

in*the*red_6

I don't think you really can help someone who doesn't want to be helped - he'll either wise up to his own situation or he won't. Doesn't sound like the girlfriend would be willing to change her ways either. It's frustrating as a DFW seeing people you know living like this but you have to accept it's their choice (unless he asks for help of course).

mountainofdebt

at the end of the day it depends on what type of relationship you have with him....after all if its not that close a relationship then I would imagine it would be a very hard subject to bring up.

What's his relationship with his sister like.....is it one where they would confide in each other???

I guess one way around the problem would be to say that you've found this brillant web site and you can't believe the advice people are being given to sort out their debt problems .....and then give him this site's web address.

You can lead a person to the switch but they have to switch it on themselves.

QueenB.

Its difficult. I was always moaning about my money problems to friends and would make a start on doing something and then somehow i would just slowly get back into my old ways and be no better off, i was torn between wanting to be out of debt but also wanting what seemed to be the easier more enjoyable way.

Yet without my friends who listened and constantly gave advice i may have just decided to completely give up. Sometimes it take a few goes for that lightbulb to switch on, i say give him the benefit of the doubt. Buy the book and talk to him but don't force anything or judge. All you can do is try and help, listen if he needs you too but realise that that is all you can do until he is ready and maybe he never will be.

You never know maybe by watching you deal with your debts he will finally have the LBM.

Good luck

calleyw

It has all ready been said. There is not much you can do. As they say "you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink" And this is the same as your friend.

He obviously was not very good with money to start with. And his GF is no good with money either so that does not help the situation. You should be able to have a good lifestyle on £2K a month. Even if you where paying nearly a £1K a month on a mortgage.

Would tell him about MSE and say that you have learnt how to shave so much off your bills that it means you can buy X and Y.

If he moans about lack of money just say what I do is X and Y. if he wants to take it on board he will. If not there is nothing you can do.

Mind you the first thing I would do if I was him is I would take her mobile phone away. There is no need or reason on this planet to be running up bills like that. I would not have her name on the joint account and only give her enough for what was called years ago Housekeeping and it would cover food and her and the childrens clothes. If she over spends then tough. Pay the rent and other house bills from his own account. And that might allow him to save a bit.

I do hope both of them have a light bulb moment soon. As they are not their physically health with fast food twice a day or their finanacial health any good.

I just wish my husband earned £2K a month. We would be able to save at least a £1K of that a month.

Yours


Calley