Sign of the times… despair, bankruptcy , depression & the 9.05 high speed train

bee125_2

First of all, I would like to thank everyone on the money saving expert forum… you have all been an inspiration to me, reading your financial circumstances and finding solutions to them. I have been laying in bed for the past two hours, eyes wide open and I thought it best to write some of my worries and fears down, perhaps to document how I am feeling and perhaps to vent some of my frustration and deep thoughts because I have no body to talk to about how I’m feeling.
I was made redundant from my employers in December 2008, well, I say redundant – I was paid to leave as there wasn’t enough work to be getting on with, the job description didn’t stack up to what I was doing on a day to day basis, and my line manager was a complete head job. I was working there for only 11 months and my CV now has a huge gaping hole in it. The money wasn’t great – it was like being made redundant only that a compromise agreement doesn’t sound too inviting to any prospective employer.
During my former employment, I was working on a project to become self employed on and off since 2006. Now, I shouldn’t discuss any of the details however the “community” project required investors, who turned was convicted of GBH and sentenced to 4 months in prison and the other investor was funded by massage parlours, strip clubs and other dubious means. Clearly, a community (youth) project was not the right place for these people to be investing their hard earned cash; I pulled the project after 28 months working gratis with little else to do. With no investors, I lost the property, community funding and a whole lot of time, energy and effort wasted, all for nothing. I invested most of my pay off money and spare cash into this project only to realise the investors wanted 75% of the company (think Dragons Den) for the rest of their lives.
Coupled with the fact I have an IVA since Sept 2007, gaining financial support would have been particularly difficult for me. I have suspended payments for a maximum of 12 months (during my redundancy) and currently seeking an extension for another 6 months, my financial future seems bleak. I have been trying to get back in to my former profession with little success, as my former employers were unable to provide me with any professional training and equally, I feel like I am being used and abused by a multitude of recruitment consultants, reading £££ on my forehead.
I am faced with little work prospect, no way to repay my IVA which restarts in January, a pending bankruptcy which would cause further little or no way of being employed in the finance sector and little else to do in life, other than chase nonexistent jobs. I have been putting on weight as I cannot afford to go for a swim (bad knees – no freebie running for me) and I feel and look like a mess. My bank is regularly overdrawn (I know, IVA’s aren’t meant to have overdrafts) and I’m being whacked by £35 Direct Debit non payments, as there is simply not enough money in my account. My credit card (which I should not have) is full and I cannot afford anything more than the minimum payment.
All of the above, coupled with the fact I have not seen my niece or nephew in just under two years, my sister despises me and my parents are past being able to support me in any way (retired pensioners), I feel helpless, alone and isolated from the rest of the world. I can barely afford any rent (as my OH supports me for the majority of bills), the dole barely affords travelling to and from pointless job interviews for jobs which are either withdrawn or filled by an internal applicant. I am slowly slipping in to a deep depression and not too sure how to get myself out.
I don’t want to be on the dole. I want to work. I want to go out, work 9 – 5, do the job I have been trained and professionally skilled to perform for the past 8 years – I don’t want to be sitting around waiting for the phone to ring with a prospect of hope – I want to take control of my future.
If it weren’t for the fact I had no money on my oyster card, I would have taken the easy way out and stepped in front of the high speed train – ironically, it costs money to top yourself which I cannot afford.
I hope in 6 months time to be reading this again to perhaps look back and understand, for my own therapy how bad things might appear, there is always a slight glimmer of hope. Sadly, all hope has been extinguished from my radar and now considering what to do next.


Thank you for reading and listening.
B

Bethankim

Hi B,

I'm so sorry to read your post and first off welcome and ((hugs))
It is so clear just how hard you are finding things right now and i can relate to the black hole of depression and loss of hope.

You have given yourself hope, even if you dont feel like it right now, you have written it down - well done that must have been so hard.

so now for a few practicals - im that kinda gal

If you havent been already, you so need to go see your GP for some help - i hated the idea of medication and depression support but if it is that bad and by the sound of it, it is then it can help to boost your mood and give you the help to cope.

second professional advice either national debt line, CCCS or your local CAB - you have tried to resolve it my lovely, your not a failure but are in a place despite your best efforts you are not in a position to pay an IVA so you need a new plan.

I can understand the fear about Bankruptcy and its effect on a financial services job, but right now that door isnt open either, so being kind to yourself and putting you first and finding a way to close the door on thinking about ending your life is way way way more important than anything else.

The friendly if slightly bonkers bunch on here are supportive and caring, and although im a tad quiet right now im about too.
Im not going to whitter about my story and how i got here, but will say i understand the feleings of ending things and with support, will and being kind to myself i have managed to close that door...

so hugs again and perhaps today can be the first day of a new way of being and to get some help..first for you.

B
x

fiveyearplan

Hi and welcome Bee. Why don't you open a coop basic cashminder account so the money you have is safe from charges and fees. You can open this over the phone but stress that you want a basic account with no overdraft facilities. Don't worry if there is no branch near you as you can do all your banking online or at the post office.

Financial problems and debt are all problems that can be solved. How much debt do you have?

As beth mentioned above, please seek help for your depression. Things are never as bad as they seem!

Holes_in_my_pocket

A Old lady once said to me. Nothing is so bad that lasts forever.

And if you always do what you always done you will have what you always got

alastairq

hello.......everything Bethankim said, in bucketloads.

Don't be afraid to consider an entirely new path in life.

Even if it means totally abandoning all that you have done before.

Nothing is wasted, those years of training and work are now in your armoury of skills, even if, professionally, you never use them again.

What you need is to regain your self-respect.

One way to do that, is to earn money...gain employment....'work to live'', not 'living to work?'

As an example, I have known many bus drivers who come from a huge variety of backgrounds.....

In the end, every job requires skills, some of them very new....all it takes is an open mind to what is out there.....and not too much emphasis on things like 'career' and 'CV's....in the end they are transitory, like the latest BMW or BArratts house.....

There really is nothing worst, though, when at a crossroads in life, trying to decide what to do next....

but to parrot phrase me old pal Napoleon,,,''doing anything, is better than doing nothing''

perhaps what you need is a holiday?

fiveyearplan

I meant to ask - what kind of job did you do in the financial sector? You may still be able to do it post BR.

b-man

hey mate - its never worth thinking about ending it.

go to see the doctor to get some help if you are slipping into depression. they can help and if your even joking about suicide then you owe it to yourself and your OH to be brave and go and face the issues.

One of my friends and ex work collegues was recently found dead on his balcony due to 'it all getting to much'. dont become a stastistic. The economy wont be like this forever. You can be discharged from all your debts in a year. and get on with your life.

kew63

So sorry to hear you are having such a truly horrible time, but along with everyone else first things first you need to get along to your GP.
If you can deal with your health first and then you will have the frame of mind & energy to deal with the rest.
I know the prospect of anti-d's scares the whotsits out of most people, but honestly they help so much, and the best description I can come up with of the feeling is - instead of all your problems coming up and whacking you full force in the face, anti-d push them back a bit, so you can get a bit of perpective. They dont solve your problems but make it possible for you to deal with them ,at the moment you sound so low, you just cant see any path at all.
It might not come to anti-d's but dont dismiss them they are a brilliant tool when used correctly to take us through crappy periods of our life.
Also see if you can contact your local branch of Mind, if you are suffering from deprression they run a number of free courses & their counsellors are lovely.
You cant do a great deal instantly about your debts or your job situation, but you can take some steps to feeling so much better. Once you can wake up in the morning without that horrid black cloud overhead, you can start to tackle the rest.
Definately speak to the debt charaties, CAB can take while to get an appointment but they are great, and National Debtline are wonderful.
You need to be in a position where you know all the pro's & cons for each option you have, it might seem that BR isnt a very good option for you, but when you look & understand how the other options will impact on your life as well, you can make a decision on what suits you.
Yes BR can affect your job prospects, but the negative of that might be outweighed by the clean break from your debts. The job effects wouldnt last forever and it might force you to view other options you hadnt considered before, try not to see it as a barrier so much as opportunity .
Your head is probably reeling now from all our posts but please get yourself off to the docs, we'll all feel much happier knowing you've taken that step.
Take care & keep in touch :-)

DON79

Hi bee125, can't really add anything at all to the above except to say it is brilliant advice. Re the depression, I would definitely advise getting to the doctor, I felt the same and didn't want to admit how I was feeling, it took me a little while to realise that I needed to do something about it.

Best wishes & hugs

Donna

TotalDespair

Hi and hope your ok and reading all the posts above, I can only second all thats been said above, I could have written your first post myself about 9 months ago, and thoroughly feel and understand where your coming from.

Please do go to your doctor and ask for some advice/help with your depression, I felt 9 months ago that life was so dark that there would never be light in it but there is, not as bright as Id like but its coming each day,

I smiled at your ref to it costing money to get to the trains, I used to think, mmm Id fill the bath cept the Landlord had turned off my water in an effort to get me to pay some extra money, soon sorted him out with help from off here and then there was the gas cooker cept the bloody gas meter ran out, then I saw the funny side of how I was and my god I laughed so much my two sisters carted me off to the doctor who I never really liked but spent 2 hours with me and listened and helped no end,the journey to wherever the recovery is isnt easy but start it off please.
I went BR in August 08 and got an early discharge earlier this year and yes I cannot work in my field again but to be honest I dont want to, Im back at local Uni doing a course I love and hopefully may find a job in it one day I dont know what life has in store for me but I will face that when it comes.

What Im trying to say is, though you think that its bad right now this minute, it can and will get better but you have to be brave and open up and let people know how you feel, dont bottle it up anymore, maybe you might think huh fine words or whatever but please do go see the doctor and have you told you OH how you feel, they may be feeing helpless on how to approach you, When I told OH how I felt he was fantastic, then I found out he was in a financial mess and lots of it, but I love him and together we are sorting it out with the help of the lovley people on here and a BR hearing soon.

I shall look out for further posts, someone once quoted on here, each journey starts with a small step, take that step, small steps make big impacts.

Warmest thoughts to you and your OH today....

Lexie

Desperate4help

Hi there, I can't really add anything to what everyone else has already said - they've given you some brilliant support and advice :-) But I just wanted to say hi and that I'm sure there has to be a way for you to get through this - it might be tough but it's got to be worth it. I think you've found a good place here to get good advice and hugs and smiles occasionally...I'm a relative newbie but I feel very welcomed already :-)

Take care and please keep us all posted as to how you're doing.
Hugs,
D4H