Joint custody / CM payments

maggied_2

Hi Lizzie

Thank you for your thoughtful post.

To answer some of your points - we live very close to X and in fact right next to DD's school which does make certain things easier.

DD does have separate sets of clothes for each house - I agree, not ideal but it was what was decided between OH and X long before I came along. When clothes have gone to X's they often don't come back or she denies having them and we've had several last minute dashes to organise clothes for parties etc. She's even agreed to leave clothes on her door handle so we can pick them up if there's something specific we've needed and then she's gone out and turned her phone off. So we make sure clothes don't go up there now - pretty pathetic but it's only SD that suffers so it's easier this way.

The solictor route is not the way OH wanted to go down but after years of X using his DD to blackmail him and sabotage every relationship he's had since they split (6/7 years ago) it's now necessary. If you look at the link I put in an earlier post on this thread you may understand why we've chosen to do it. We're trying to save like mad at the moment to get a house of our own and could do without shelling out ££££ to courts so that OH can continue seeing his DD without the continual harrassment but if we get a quiet life and OH can continue to have the relationship with his daughter then it's money well spent.

We've already discussed how we would manage if OH could get the extra night a week re school run etc. Because I work from home a couple of days a week it makes things easier, plus I've been able to look after SD if she's been sick so I think we're covered there.

I also feel sorry for SD and if it sounds like I'm laying all the blame on her mother, well that's because I am. She's been manipulating everyone around her for a loong time by using her DD and after the incident (if you can be bothered reading!) she's used up her last chances.

chriszzz

Hi Maggied,
Reading your post was like reading my own situation, my oh children were never allowed to bring clothes from their home, not even nightwear or underwear, when they were first allowed to stay, we had to go out and buy them all these things, any clothes that we did buy them we let them take home, what we started doing was washing the clothes on the night they stayd because we couldn't afford to keep buying 3 sets of clothes.
The children were never allowed to bring any presents to our house unless they were presents we bought them.

We too went to see solicitors because she would stop the kids from seeing dad and as solicitor threatened with court she would give in on the last minute, so that it didn't have to go to court by this time months had gone by without any contact, which them puts a strain on the bond that they had. we too couldn't afford to be going to solicitors.
Last year there was a problem with oh and ex and seriously because he had the audacity to challenge her, his two daughters sent him hate mail saying that they hated him and did not want to see him again, his son on the other hand still comes every other wkend.
My oh was going to go to solicitors then decided against it, he said that he has had enough of having to fight plus he thinks the system is in favour of the pwc and how can he make children who hate him want to see him.

He still sends them gifts for Easter, b/day Christmas and they have never once thanked him.

As a pwc myself I have been devastated to the hurt this woman has caused my oh and his children.

Life can be so unfair at times and were never prepared for the way some people behave.

The only consolation I have is that I am so glad that I have been the best parent possible to my children and not let my own personal feelings distort the feelings my children have to their father.

I feel for your situation because it can cloud your own relationship.Were as you should be spending time with happy thoughts, you spend time and energy having to deal and sort out a pwc who is bent on destroying anything good that you and your oh have with his children

13Kent

I sympathise with a lot of your comments maggied - we also have a PWC who can be nasty and obstructive once upon a time it caused lots of rows and nastiness between us - nowadays we take it all with a pinch of salt and try if we can to let it all wash over us and not upset us too much.

I understand about the clothes thing - in our case, in the early days the children were being sent with bag stuffed full of unironed clothes that smelt of cigarette smoke and sometimes didn't fit them, and often no nightwear even - it was awful trying to find a matching pair of socks! - I don't know if the PWC was trying to make a point that she couldn't afford tidy clothes for the children or what, I couldn't understand it because if they were my children my pride would want them to look lovely - especially in front of other people. Anyway sometimes the clothes sent were totally unsuitable - maybe for the weather, or not tidy enough for the children to wear if we had been invited out somewhere etc. Also sending them back washed and ironed was hard work over the short time of a weekend, and on the Sunday if they went out to play and got dirty and had to go back to the PWC dirty then that gave her another reason to have a dig at us!

It was just easier to have a few sets of clothes and nightwear - they could then be washed at leisure, ready for the next weekend, and the children could be returned to the PWC in the clothes they arrived in - no need for washing etc. - The children also had their own bedrooms with toys etc in also - often presents from the NRP side of the family. They did have the choice to take some of these back to the PWC house but often chose not to. It made everyone's life easier - including the PWC as she didn't have to sort out clothes for them to come to us, there was no hanging around waiting for them to collect everything together - they could just jump in the car. It also solved the problem of them forgetting stuff and then getting back to the PWC and realising and all hell breaking loose and us being the bad guys for forgetting to pack it etc etc!!

After the PWC stopped sending clothes to us they did start arriving wearing clothes with designer labels, and we couldn't afford to buy them similar clothes. but when they were younger I don't think they were too bothered.

I take your point about how the children might have felt - as they got older they wanted to wear their clothes that the PWC had bought, and that was their choice and we allowed them to do that, but it did make life more awkward as we had to make sure the weekend was planned in advance so that they knew what sort of clothes to pack depending on what we were doing during the weekend.

I think if it was shared care, and the children were still going to school and seeing the same friends whilst at the NRP house I can see how the clothing thing could be an issue. Just for a weekend arrangement it seemed to work out ok, although we did have some problems about clothes being swapped about and sometimes new stuff that we'd bought disappeared and we'd have to buy more but in the end it made our lives easier!

(of course we couldn't claim for the clothes we had bought against the CSA money!!)

Just keep focusing on the fact that it won't be forever - we are hoping we are on the downward slope now and are hoping that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't just a train coming!!

Blonde_Bint

Hi Maggied. I went back and read your link (the pwc thread thingy) that bit about you feeling like you'd just lost it struck a chord also the bit re 'think your dh is sleeping with the hateful pwc'. Everything you say in that thread I have felt at some point during my 'sentance' EVERYTHING.

At some points I have felt stronger than others. Some situations I have been able to stand up to and have got through relatively unscathed and then at other times I am literally battered by our pwc's onslaught and I just want to leave dh for the sole purpose of getting that woman out of my life, (any of what i'm saying souding familiar Maggied?) I have been at this for 12yrs now and I cant take anymore. I'm doing it by the day now (sounds pathetic but you get through it any way you can and if this helps me right now then i'll carry on this way for now)

I think our pwc is both nasty and I dont think shes a full shilling either someone who does the things she does is not all there in the head (i'm not calling her here I believe she isn't right in the head due to the things shes done to all of us)

How long do you have before your SD is of age Maggied? I just focus on when our SS is of age and we can start our life. Your not alone Maggied me and many others know how bad your situation is because we are going through similar situations too. I feel that all of this has changed me as a person I can no longer trust. Sometimes too I felt DH sided with her during her nastiness just to quieten her down and he also blamed me for her actions because it was easier for him. I wont let him do this now because I cant live like that.

Keep at it Maggied your not alone X BB

Blonde_Bint

btw for confirmation we too had the clothing issue, no need for me to go into detail you two describe perfectly what was going on in our house re clothing.

DH used to say when he picked him up he looks like a 'scarecrow' first thing we did when they got out the car our end was stick him in the bath and get out the cleaned ironed clothes.

maggied_2

Thanks for the replies.

BB - SD is 8 so a fair way to go yet! I'm fortunate in that OH supports me completely when it comes to his X - he can't stand her, and also can't stand how she uses their daughhter for her own means.

I have definitely considered walking to get her out of my life! However I do try and concentrate on that fact that she is so nasty because she's bitter that OH has moved on without her - doesn't stop me having such a strongly visceral reaction to everything she does though!

Since 'the incident' she hasn't been in touch once and it's been absolute bliss. It also makes me think she's up to something as she's never been this quiet, even when she's been seeing someone (in fact she's been 'engaged' twice since I've known OH and even that hasn't changed her behaviour!).

She's trying to battle OH over having DD on Sunday nights at the moment - he asked if he could about a year ago and she said fine so that's been the set up. Since 'incident' she has been trying to stop that again - when it hasn't worked by getting her mum to contact OH (all contact is via her at the moment) she's tried to do it via DD.

X has a relative that lives very close to us - there's a park separating us. X had told SD to be playing in the park at a certain time on the Sunday tea time and had actually collected SD from school on the Friday, taken all her school stuff off her so when OH collected her from nursery at 6 she was in normal clothes with none of her stuff......hmmm....wonder what she could have possibly been trying to do there!
Unfortunately for her SD told OH 'the plan' so we just made sure we were out all afternoon.
It spoilt the weekend though as we were expecting another row.....flippin mental.

I know we have a lot more to come. We're TTC at the moment and if (when!!) I get pregnant I can see a whole new chapter beginning. Thing is she clearly doesn't give a carp about her own children's emotional well being but if she were to carry on like she has done in front of my (currently non -existent) children she wouldn't get off so lightly!

LizzieS_2

I had a feeling the clothing would show you're not alone Maggie.

I appreciate there is always a multitude of other issues, I just thought clothing was one of the most common grounds for everyone.

We never had cross words over clothing when the children wanted to stay over with their dad. Little darlings packed their own clothes - they had a choice of clothing that way and I would just say have you got this, this and this (making sure they had enough). They were also responsible for bagging them again and being children they frequently forgot things. Yes I did all their washing and ironing (I still don't think it was wrong for me to do the mundane task and don't think it right to ask a nrrp to do what I see as my responsibility). I never checked in and out items, but obviously I did notice eventually that things had disappeared. Our nrrp was great to the point she would say I could look for my childrens clothes in her house (I didn't as I thought it unfair), or she would occasionally meet me with a bag of things she had found.

As much as there are other things going on too - look back at the clothing, is she expecting the child to sort out and then running away when she can't find what she promised to return? How tidy is her house - is it easy to lose clothes amongst toys etc?

Looking at at the issues I would certainly rather bring everything up in court, even if only to clear the air and make a fresh start (or hope).

Blonde_Bint

Lizzie if you all work together and help each other its great and you can all get along. But lets face it anyone can be awkward about anything if they want to be. sounds like your situation is a nice one.

Honestly believe me when I say I can fully understand Maggied's trepidation about not having had an incident for some time, I live like that too, you know its up coming you just dont know when. For me Maggied when the child was young it was at its worst, but to give you hope, now our child is 14 yrs old and the difference is huge, he makes his own arrangements with very little necessary involvement from the pwc. Think about it, at that age they can use the bus alone can be given a door key, only 4 years to go and it could go quieter for you.:)

chriszzz

Blonde_Bint wrote: »

Lizzie if you all work together and help each other its great and you can all get along. But lets face it anyone can be awkward about anything if they want to be. sounds like your situation is a nice one.

Honestly believe me when I say I can fully understand Maggied's trepidation about not having had an incident for some time, I live like that too, you know its up coming you just dont know when. For me Maggied when the child was young it was at its worst, but to give you hope, now our child is 14 yrs old and the difference is huge, he makes his own arrangements with very little necessary involvement from the pwc. Think about it, at that age they can use the bus alone can be given a door key, only 4 years to go and it could go quieter for you.:)

Blonde Bint :hello:
We are also waiting for the day that oh son can make his own arrangements, his ex insists that oh has to go through her when he wants to change arrangements, his son is now 13 and oh has decided that no way is he going through her anymore because he gets nothink but abuse, he thinks his son is old enough to tell her if there is a change, which i think there has been about 3 times in the 7yrs i have been with him but yno I don't care anymore if she wants to play her silly games because in my book she is a sad, ungrateful, insecure, alien :eek: lol!! how dare i have them thoughts :whistle::laugh:

LizzieS_2

BB, maybe my post was too cryptic.

What I was hoping you would see was the underlying differences in what is usually a fraught 'relationship'.

Ours worked out smoothly mainly due to me biting my tongue most of the time - in the situation it would have been easy for me to take the route of saying "you provide your own clothes". I did get things back eventually that had hardly been worn and were too small.

The other important point I was trying to make was that sometime the onus is put on the child (in our case, as I suspect many of yours, that was unrealistic but again I bit my tongue).

I realise I am at the opposite 'side' to the people who kindly responded, but the situation isn't that different if you look at it closely.

Some people have found their own ways of dealing with the clothes and other issues (that is fine), but Maggie hasn't reached that stage yet. The choice is to eventually find a way yourself, or let the court deal with it.

Courts do generally take a no blame culture which in many ways is a good way forward. I do find this idea a little frustrating in some respects as although people follow the moves they still wonder what was wrong in the past. Quite often, no matter how well you ask a question of the other party and believe there is no scope to take offence - they do (just look at the forum posts in general and thats people unconnected).

What I was ultimately trying to say is that although things are bad (and for some it will not change), always llok back to the begining and really think how the other party might have taken offence as something you see as insignificant - I'm trying to find that way forward without the fees if you see what i mean.