To claim or not to claim...?

caroline83

I have two children with my ex (who has always been extremely stingy) and he doesn't pay a penny towards them although he does see them. He expects me to give him money for food they may need when they are with him and taking them anywhere for a day out is out of the question..unless i paid him. My new partner actually gave him the money to take the children to the cinema otherwise he wouldn't have. He always claims to have no money yet he's afforded driving lessons, holidays and meals out with his new girlfriend. He's even now managed to promise the children an xmas present that he can't afford and wants me to get it and he'll 'give me the money later :rolleyes:'

My dilema is that my children know nothing of his selfishness as they are only 8, infact they think their father is wonderful which is something i don't want to spoil for them as he has hinted that if i ever went to csa he wouldn't see them, he would quit his job etc etc. For this reason i have never persued a claim with the csa but i am finding myself becoming ever more resentful at my ex. I would love to take driving lessons myself, take a holiday but being a full time student living on student loans, it is out of the question yet he gets to do these things whilst claiming he cant afford to contribute to the children. I don't want to sound like a bitter old hag but this man panicked because he thought i was asking him to pay for a magazine for the kids when infact, i was going to give him the money if he'd let me finesh! He also has another child he doesn't see or pay for so he's lucky he's not being persued for them as well.

What would you do? Should i grin & bare it or should i put in a claim & hope my kids don't suffer for it?

shell_542

Blimey what a difficult situation.

And what an !!!! with his threats.

I think in your situation I would give him a polite, calm ultimatum. Perhaps in writing if I knew his address. Just explaining how you cannot afford to keep funding his contact with his own children and how he has a responsibility to pay at least something towards his own children's upkeep.

I would point him in the direction of the CSA calculator on their website or if he doesn't have the internet, explain he could be asked by the CSA to pay 20% of his NET weekly pay in child support. Ask him to think about it and decide on a figure using that as a guideline, that he can afford, by a certain date. Then decide if you will accept it. If he doesn't get back to you, you will have no other choice but to go to the CSA but include in the letter you do not want to do that and hope that it can be kept as a private agreement between the two of you.

Add that as long as the payments are kept up to date and regular, you will have no need to contact the CSA, but if he messes you around with no good reason you will.

As for the threats of not seeing the children if you do, if he see's them already, then there's a chance he wont follow it through.But he is taking advantage at the moment.

Hope that is of some help. Others on here will have perhaps better advice lol

x

Soubrette

It depends on how much you value the relationship he has with his children.

If it a top priority and you can afford it then things would be easier if you continue as you are, I feel that any change could result in a change in the relationship he and the children have.

However, if you can't afford it then at the very least you should say you are not paying for anything anymore. However, this could easily result in him seeing the children far less.

Obviously actually having the cheek (:p)to ask him for child maintenance payments is going to lead to a more extreme reaction than if you just did the above.

As to him giving up his job - is he a high earner or a minimum wage employee? In my experience if he is the latter then it's far more likely that he will give up work, if the former then it's more likely just a threat, after all his own income and so lifestyle will also be impinged if he has to rely on jobseekers allowance (and any sanctions he gets for leaving his job).

In your situation maybe a more salami tactic type approach might work - start of saying no sometimes - so say no, you can't afford to pay any christmas presents, then in a few weeks time say you can't haven't any money for him to take them out just one time. It may take many months but slowly withdraw your financial support. Once this is done then you can face the problems of actually getting him to contribute.

Sou

DUTR

If he has a good relationship with the children, then he probably won't want that jeopordised himself.
Of course he should contribute.
I think the road to success so you all win is dependant upon the tact applied.
However the sytem is geared so that you cannot lose.
The threat may be just that, but you do get guys that will just pay and go
Good Luck.

shell_542

You should at least stop paying for when he has them. He doesn't have to take them places where it costs money if he can't afford it.

marksoton

CSA him.

Sorry but i am getting a bit sick and tired of the softly, softly approach.

People like this man should without doubt endure the misery the agency brings. Might make them wake up.

If the rest of us reasonable people are going to be subjected to their sh1te let's at least make sure those it was intended for do.

OP, the man is taking the p1ss.

DUTR

marksoton wrote: »

CSA him.

Sorry but i am getting a bit sick and tired of the softly, softly approach.

People like this man should without doubt endure the misery the agency brings. Might make them wake up.

If the rest of us reasonable people are going to be subjected to their sh1te let's at least make sure those it was intended for do.

OP, the man is taking the p1ss.

What about the Dilimna of him turning into a pay and go dad?
There is no doubt the system will make him pay, but does the OP want him to pay (as they all may pay) or contribute?

Dancing_Shoes

I agree with Sou, normally I would say "go for it" as he doesn't pay you any money already so you can't lose but in this case he already has a child that he doesn't see so that puts a different slant on things:(

I would also slowly withdraw the financial support and as for the xmas present just very politely tell him unfortunately you don't have the money for it;)
As the children get older if he continues as he is he will show himself for what he is but I agree with your idea not to spoil that for them whilst they are young. Again another example of a wonderful mother that puts her children first:T When the children are older one day you will be rewarded emotionally for what you have done:)

marksoton

DUTR wrote: »

What about the Dilimna of him turning into a pay and go dad?
There is no doubt the system will make him pay, but does the OP want him to pay (as they all may pay) or contribute?

Very few have the option to " go ".

He has made his intentions clear, he needs to be forced to pay. End of.

shell_542

marksoton wrote: »

CSA him.

Sorry but i am getting a bit sick and tired of the softly, softly approach.

People like this man should without doubt endure the misery the agency brings. Might make them wake up.

If the rest of us reasonable people are going to be subjected to their sh1te let's at least make sure those it was intended for do.

OP, the man is taking the p1ss.

The CSA can cause plenty of trouble for PWCs too. I personally don't think she should inflict them on herself if it isn't necessary. He might surprise her and actually step up to the plate and sort himself out. Its worth giving it a try to resolve it between themselves as she won't be any worse off than she is now.

marksoton

shell_542 wrote: »

The CSA can cause plenty of trouble for PWCs too. I personally don't think she should inflict them on herself if it isn't necessary. He might surprise her and actually step up to the plate and sort himself out. Its worth giving it a try to resolve it between themselves as she won't be any worse off than she is now.

Indeed they can. But honestly, a man who has shown no desire to pay for the child with the OP and has another he never sees or contributes to ?

Come on Shell, it ain't going to happen.