Living with the in-laws

Chakani

I would love to hear anyone's experiences of either sharing a home with parents-in-law, or allowing your son/daughter and their family to live in your home. We are living with my MIL at the moment, and I am finding it increasingly stressful and difficult, and I suspect MIL is as well so I need to find things I can do to make it easier on everyone.

When OH got a new job in London, I didn't want to move there for various reasons - I was settled and had a job I loved where I was, so I stayed put and he came back at the weekends, which was a bit rubbish but ok at the time.

Then we found out I was pregnant, and not just a bit pregnant, but 61/2 months. So suddenly everything changed, and I decided I had to give up on being selfish, and make the move to be with him. MIL immediately said we should all go and live with her, which we were very grateful for, as it gave some breathing space. We moved in when DS was 10 days old, with the intention of working out what we were doing and moving out in about 3 months.

However, what we decided to do was buy a house, we have saved like mad, have a deposit and even a mortgage in principle sorted, but the market has been frustratingly immobile in the area we are looking, and 10 months on, here we all still are. I love MIL to bits, she is a very nice person, but we have very different ways of doing things and different views on many things, including DS. I don't want to cause friction in the house, and I tend to be rather blunt and straightforward, which she would find terribly offensive (she is very genteel, and has rather fragile mental health following her marriage breaking down a couple of years ago) so I end up saying nothing rather than upset her, as it is her house, after all.

Increasingly though, she seems to be interfering with how we do things with DS, especially around food, and I find it very difficult. If it were my house, I would be politely thanking her for her opinion, but he is our son, and it is up to us to decide what to do with him, but that would upset her greatly. In a way, I am glad that she feels comfortable enough to be making suggestions, as she wouldn't say what she felt for the first few months, which resulted in a couple of long-stewed outbursts about things we were doing or not doing that were upsetting her, because they weren't how she did things.

I know she is only trying to help. I keep telling myself that, but would be glad of any advice on how to lower the stress levels tactfully, until we have our own "territory" - and can go back to welcoming her as a visiting beloved grandma!

glitterycloud

This is my dilema too! We are currently renting but as we are finding things tough my mil has said we could stay with her. On the surface it would be great to be able to stay somewhere as I am 7 1/2 months pregnant and we could save up and get ourselves straight. But going over there last night put paid to that idea as I have come to realise that my life would no longer be mine. My baby would no longer be mine, my mil and fil are very opinionated and very strong viewed, they have their own ideas on bringing up a child and as I am due in a matter of weeks I am treated like a 16 year old when I am in fact 29, I am percieved to know nothing and am told to bring this to the hospital, bring that, wear this, wear that, put baby in this, don't put baby in that, you must have this, you must have that. While I know her advice is very well meaning it makes me feel totally inadequate and small.
I know what will be best for my baby, I am not totally niave...... so even though we are struggling I will be looking for cheaper places to live and cheaper ways of living rather than give mil the satisfaction of telling people I do not know what I am doing with my own baby.

i could not go to live somewhere where I am not given the freedom to live how I want, I would have to go back to being 16 again and live by rules and regulations with a baby.... it would be hell!! ha ha

rocketdog_2

You are very brave - I would rather live in the car than with my In-Laws!

morocha

Hi, i lived with my MIL and FIL till May this year so, i lived with them for 3 years( i was pregnant then lived there with DD too). They are lovely people and i was treated like a daughter, i love them like my own parents but there is the problem, when you all feel so confortable around each other is when problems beggins, they feel like there are ur mum and dad and can give your advice on how to do things etc....
I did find it quite stressful sometimes, but i kept reminding myself that they were being very kind proving us with a place to live. We listen to what they said but did what we felt best.
Now that we had moved out, they come for dinner every tuesday and we go every saturday, we are like a big family, and yes, you do not agree with one another all the time, but i guess you should have to tried to get along with them. And in a polite and nice way say your viewpoint, i did my own way with my daughther and when i did not like something if it was not that important, i wont say anything but if it was i tried to make my point.

luxor4t

I could j-u-s-t manage a week long visit with MiL.
I suspect she felt the same.

All that biting the tongue, OUCH

Chakani

I'm glad I'm not alone in this! I do love her to bits, and it has been nice to get to really know her... but arrrrgh :mad:

(I got quietly sniffed at this morning for making a cuppa with a teabag in a huge mug, instead of using "proper" tea, a cup and saucer and a teapot - think she thinks I'm a bit uncivilised! :rotfl:)

cakeordeath_2

I have had my 82 yr old fil living with us for 16 years and I still find him frustrating! He does things he thinks are nice and I realise that his heart is in the right place, but, for example, bringing fish and chips home on his way back from the pub when I've cooked a meal for the family isn't really that helpful! lol

Saying that though, I'd rather he lived with us than we lived with the mil any day of the week!

flippin36

rocketdog wrote: »

You are very brave - I would rather live in the car than with my In-Laws!

I would second that.........

margaretclare

It has always been a disaster. I walked out on my first marriage back in 1957, after a matter of weeks, because I just could not stand it.

In later years, at different times, we've tried the multi-generational family approach. Even in a much bigger house with space to get away from each other, it still did not work.

And I would 'third' what rocketdog says!

miserly_mum

My ex hubby and I lived with my Mum for about 6 years when my 3 oldest children were little and I would not recommend it to anyone.

Unless you have very forward thinking parents/inlaws who appreciate your need for privacy etc i'd be very wary.

We originally moved in when I was pregnant with my second child as we were living in a tiny one bed flat and my Mum was on her own in a large house. At the time she made it sound like it was for our benefit. In hindsight it was because she was lonely and wanted someone to pay the bills

We eventually ended up paying for almost everything. In essence it was OUR house when it came to financial matters but HER house when one of us had a disagreement with her over something.

She never understood the concept of privacy and despite being ready for bed by 8.30 pm would sit up until we went to bed despite the fact she was nodding off in the chair. Even when we had friends over she NEVER left us on our own.

Everytime I told her we were going to move out she did the old emotional blackmail thing. Crying and saying how lonely she'd be without the kids etc. I was in my mid 20's at the time and felt sooooo guilty at leaving her on her own(only child) I kept putting off moving out.

Savvy_Sue

Chakani wrote: »

(I got quietly sniffed at this morning for making a cuppa with a teabag in a huge mug, instead of using "proper" tea, a cup and saucer and a teapot - think she thinks I'm a bit uncivilised! :rotfl:)

I have slowly been able to educate my MIL that I really really prefer mugs to polite cups and saucers, but it took a while! But I'm not sure I could live with her while I did it ... and I know for a fact that DH couldn't live with HIS MIL! :rotfl: