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How am I supposed to deal with this?

purplegirluk1
purplegirluk1 Posts: 1,485 Forumite
Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
edited 28 September 2009 at 1:52PM in Marriage, relationships & families
Hi all,

You may remember me posting about 6 weeks ago, my OH had finally walked out of our family. The relationship was rocky to say the least, he was selfish, uncommited to being a family, had a problem with drink etc, did not contribute regular money.

Well its been six weeks now, during this time he has not made any changes or tried to win me back. He has been persistant for sex though (which he has not got I might add!!) We kissed once but I told him I was not there to fulfill his physical needs if he could not fulfill our emotional and financial needs as a family. He contniued this through the whole six week period. Then on friday he sent me a drunk text saying "fancy a shag?" to which my reply was not very polite. We then argued through text for a while and he said that he had heard the nasty things I had been saying about him. I haven't been saying nasty things but all my friends know the details of our relationship as I have really confided in them lately. I can only imagine that one of them has said somthing about him being a bad boyfriend and that he has left me. Then he dropped this bomb-shell "Well you've already ruined my chances with someone else now so thanks". We ahrdly spoke after that and his texts were really crawling, saying he didn't mean to upset me. I asked to talk about it last night and he was on the verge of tears, he refused to tell me much apart from that he is seeing someone else and he thought I was too (not true). He said a weak sorry for the drunken texts then took offence at something I said and stormed out slamming the door behind him.

I have been in tears since. I do not want him back the way he is, he was too imature to be a father and commit to being a family. I just feel so hurt that it has only taken him 6 weeks to move on, and the way he told me about in in nasty texts, on what would have been our anniversary! I feel like I hate him now, we have a son and I am going to have to deal with my ex for a very long time yet. What am I supposed to do or feel?

Comments

  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 35,926 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Savvy Shopper!
    Hi
    I didn't read your earlier post so I don't really know what happened.

    You probably don't want to hear this right now but it sounds like you're better off without him.
    Just take a minute to read the first sentence of your post.

    Unfortunately very few people can turn their emotions on and off so it's a case of taking it a day at a time.

    From other things you've said, you're very mixed up - talking about not wanting him back as he is and then referring to him as 'ex'.

    Nobody can tell you what to do or feel, but I personally would stop texting him and answering his texts unless they are about your son and are reasonable not rants.

    Best wishes and hugs.
  • Rummer
    Rummer Posts: 6,550 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts
    It is important for you to set clear boundries with him before you lose the ability to communicate civilly with each other. People say cruel things when they are confused and hurt so try not to dragged into arguements especially by text. Tell him to only get in touch with you when he is sober and before say 9pm. If he texts you unpleasant things then do not respond.
    Taking responsibility one penny at a time!
  • Unfortunately some people do deal with a relationship breakup (or even a relationship problem) by rushing into a relationship with someone else. This is a reflection on them, not you.

    You have learned some hard but useful lessons from this relationship about what is acceptable or not in a partner and co-parent and where to draw the line, and what you need from your next relationship, and congratualations for that. Your ex has learned nothing, and will carry on making the same mistakes in his next relationship, damaging other women and their children along the way. Even though it hurts, you are better off than he is, because you have the chance to make a truly satisfying, equal partnership with someone in the future, which he won't. You should be proud of yourself for not settling for something that is not good enough, and for showing your child/ren that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable and you are worth more than that.

    I know you hoped that this break would give him the shock he needs to change his behaviour and come back to you as a new & improved version, but sadly that's unlikely to happen - especially with drink involved. All you can do is separate yourself from him as much as possible to minimise the hurt, and let him continue on his self-destructive path. You've done well so far, be strong.
  • Pollycat - I am better off without him, the last six weeks have been difficult on my own but nothing compared to the stress and upset he caused when we were together.

    Rummer -I will stop getting into text conversations with him now, it know it wont solve anything at all. He just says the most provacative things and while I am feeling so hurt it is easy to write a cutting response but I know I am playing his game then so I will stop now.

    smartprice - Thank you, everything you have said is spot on. I know you are right and I need to remember all of that when I am feeling upset. I worry about our son, I briefly mentioned to my ex last night that I would not like DS to meet any gf's until a time that is was clear it was a serious relationship, this is how I would act if I met anyone else and ex agreed so thats a start.
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