Advice please - ending an 11 year relationship

Beckety

I've been with my partner for 11 years. We're engaged and have a house together. He's always said he's not ready to have kids yet, but we'd have them one day.
Well to cut a long story short I was 30 this year and he's still saying he's not ready yet so last night we had a big talk and decided the only option was to split up. We're still very much in love, but if we carry on like this I can see me hating him if I miss my chance to have kids. It's heart breaking, but I can't see any other way round it. He's happy with the relationship as it is and is devastated that I want to split up, but I don't know what else to do
He's gone to stay with a mate for a couple of nights to give us both time to think, but I'm worried that when he comes back I'll crumble and end up staying with him because I live him, but I know that's probably not the right thing to do. Any advice please??

Buddingblonde

Beckety wrote: »

I've been with my partner for 11 years. We're engaged and have a house together. He's always said he's not ready to have kids yet, but we'd have them one day.

So if you have both decided that you want kids what is stopping you now? What does he think isnt right about having kids now? Is it money, is it work, is it other life aspirations? If you can get to the bottom of that then you may still have a future.

You may find that he has no answers to why he isnt ready - that would make me question whether he really wants them or whether it is somethign that he thought he could agree to as long as it didnt happen.

You are right that time is ticking but at 30 you still have up to 15 years of babymaking ahead of you.

I think that a proper break might well be on the cards - but it might be worth having counselling or even having a proper break of a set time and then coming back together to see what if anything has changed.

You may find that once you are apart that he realises what he is missing and find that he is will to compromise. Equally you might find that you are able to compromise on having a family once you are away from him. Or not as the case may be.

Sometimes there is no compromise and it is only fair that youdo not waste another minute looking back. Focus on your life goals and know that you only get one shot at life.

whitewing

I echo that although your clock is ticking you are still relatively young. I am 37 and expecting. When I went for my hospital appointment, the lady before me was 48 and expecting her first (natural conception).

I can remember at 34 telling my nan that DH and I were going to get married. She was thrilled when I said we hadn't ruled out having a child, but I wasn't sure when. She said quite firmly that I had another 10 years ahead of me. She knew more about real life than most people, and had a tremendous sense of 'whatever will be, will be'. Personally, I think you could have another 5 years with your OH before you need to split up over this matter.

Courgette

My ex said he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life and have children but he refused without real reason to consider ever marrying me. Your post reminds me of him and his really stubborn, hurtful attitude.

The thing is for a man there is never an end date to when you can have kids so they don't need to get on with it in the way women do. Yes, 30 is still young and if he could maybe give a solid reason for why he's not ready yet (like he wants to move up one level at work or pay off some debts or have a round the world adventure, anything) and a time frame for when he will be ready then I'd say probably hang on. The problem is with the vague 'when I'm ready' thing.

Yes, you're only 30 but if it came to it and you did need to leave, it could take a year or so to meet someone who you'd want kids with, a year till you're ready to actually try, a year of trying before you realise it's not gonna be plain sailing if this unfortunately was the case then suddenly you're getting very close to the age 35 cut-off many NHS trusts have for offering fertility help. I know this may sound far-fetched but it does happen to people.

Sorry, don't know if that was any help at all, but just remember that it's your body taht has a finite number of eggs, not any man's

babymoo

As someone who is infertile I can see where your coming from, when I got with my DP I had the horrible task of telling him that I couldn't have children. I'm only 22 and this was the most daunting task I could think of ever having to do. My DP knows that one day I want to have children somehow, either surrogacy or adoption but IF trying to have a baby with him meant I would lose him because it was putting such a strain on us I know that I would rather have him for the rest of my life than be a mum. I NEVER thought I would ever say that as it destroys me that I cant have my own children but I know that my relationship with my DP is worth more than anything else that I have in the world. If however my DP turned round to me and told me that he didn't want children and that it was either him or children then there is no way I could stay with him knowing he was making me choose.

Yes your body clock is ticking and I understand you wanting a baby, but do you want a baby or do you want a baby with your fiance? Its a horrible situation to be in, just gently tell him that while he can go on having babies forever you only have around 10 years left and that the longer you leave it the harder it will get and that will only put more strain on your relationship.

I wish you luck in whatever decision you make

quietheart

Well it seems clear that your desire to have a baby is huge and if he doesn't want that then you are going down different paths.
If having a baby is as the most important thing to you, you do have to leave him. If not having a baby is the most important thing to him, he'll let you go.......
I know being a mum was all I ever wanted, if my partner hadn't been sure i think it would've been the end. And I ended up having to have IVF at 30, don't bank on having 10+ years of high levels of fertility, not all of us are that lucky.
Go with your heart and do what's right for you, you'll only end up resenting him.

AbFab

I'm 35. I only met my dream man last year so was never in a position until now to get pregnant (I didn't want a baby more than I wanted to wait for the right man), so yes, I am well-aware that my clock is ticking. To me, 30 sounds young, but you can't guarantee anything - some people are infertile from a very young age, others have children very late on. You can have certain tests done to give you a better idea of how fertile you are. That aside, I think you need to work out what YOUR cut-off point is, how important having a baby is vs having a baby with him, and go from there. Can you imagine finding anyone else you want to spend the rest of your life with, more so than with him? Can you imagine anyone else being the father of your children?
He needs to give you a realistic, honest timeframe. And it would be helpful to know what his reasons are too. Financial, security, maturity, marriage? Good luck. x

Oldernotwiser

You might want to consider that you may not be able to have a child and would be ending a wonderful relationship for no reason. You should never take things like this for granted.

jenhug

I find it hard to see why you would throw away an otherwise good relationship. Have you ever asked yourself why you want children so much? I agreed to have children because my husband wanted them, not having had the urge myself. Is your partner saying never or just not now?

Beckety

Thanks for all your replies. I'm finding this so hard. When he went yesterday I felt fine and thought I could cope - he works nights anyway, so I actually only see him a couple of times a week - but as the day went on I got more and more upset and this morning I found it almost impossible to drag myself out of bed for work. It's my first day back today after a week off and I don't know how I'm going to get through it.
Our relationship isn't at all perfect in all other areas or I'd probably just carry on, but I've been unhappy for a while as we don't see that much of each other, we never go out anywhere together and to be honest don't have an awful lot in common. I love to go out, go to the cinema, for meals etc, he's happy to stay in, get a takeaway and watch TV. Which is fine sometimes, but not every night. I'm also really family orientated and he doesn't speak to his family and has little to do with mine.
The thing that's kept us together is that we're so in love and I'm scared I'll never find anyone else I love and that nobody will ever love me like he does. I can't even imagine having children with anyone else, I only ever wanted them with him. What a mess, I just don't know where to go from here