Found womens glasses in his car - only they do belong to him!

Raksha

My OH is a cross dresser. I try and accept it, but things like this make it so hard

Yesterday, while shifting the car seats around to make room for some timber we were hoping to buy, I found a pair of women's glasses (frame had 'Chloe' as part of the design on the spec arm).

One of our 'house rules' is no going out 'dressed' - this was his idea.

He can't explain how they got there. But admits he took them out there.

We've had long conversations about how we handle his dressing, and I've always tried to support him, most of the rules he's invented, and I've got no reason to believe he's breached this one before. (Although my make up and clothing have been tampered with, he's always tried to blame our kids until the last time, when I KNEW the kids didn't have the opportunity, but he had - that left a lot of bad feeling.)

I really feel as if this could be a deal breaker, but he is acting as if nothing has happened.

Help!

onetomany

i think he really needs to see things from your point of veiw, i think hes lucky that you are being so understanding, but that dosent give him the right to lie etc, would it be easyer for him to have his own make up? sorry i dont really no what to say but if hes gonna start going outside he really needs to explain to the kids so they hear it from him and not someone else good luck and make sure you get your point across x

tiff

Does it matter if he goes out dressed? It matters that he has lied about your make up and maybe other things. Have you really accepted his cross dressing?

Raksha

He believes it's a no no to go out dressed (well, from home anyway, he's been to TG gatherings where he has dressed) because of the misconceptions so many people have about cross dressing.

He has his own make up collection (probably bigger than mine!) and always has done.

The kids are at an age when it's not advisable to break news like this to them (teenagers, or nearly teenagers) when they are dealing with so many personal issues/hormones, so telling them now is not an option.

Have I accepted his cross dressing? I'm doing my best, but things like this don't help. It's just about the only thing we ever argue about.

vij

I know this is a US site but it may help to talk to people with understanding of the issue

http://www.rachelmiller.info/linkso1.htm

for the kids its easy to play of the glasses as a borrowed item as he forgot his own Ive lost cound of the number of times my bro borrows mine to read something, (very very similar prescription)

Buddingblonde

Like so many relationship problems it sounds like the problem is with honesty. It sounds like you are both being dishonest about your feelings.

Firstly you need to sit down together where you cannot be interupted and explain how you feel - it sounds like you have had no control over the rules around his cross dressing - he has suggested his own boundries and is now pushing them as he has no idea where your boundries lie.

He doesnt need permission to cross dress but he does need to be able to compromise within the relationship. Equally you dont have to like the cross dressing but if you see a life and a future with this man then you need to compromise. This has to work for BOTH of you otherwise you will resent each other and this kink of his will become more important than your love, your children and your life together.

A strange question I know but are their areas of you that you feel are being compromised at the moment. It could be sexual or non sexual but something that is a core part of you that is not being realised. If so it might be that you need to look at this in order not to be resentful this core part of what makes him him. A lot of partners get caught up in appeasing a kink or a fetish in their partner and feel cheated that they arent being as accommodated by the partner.

babymoo

If he does it when no one else is around, no one else can see him and no one knows him where he is going then what exactly is the problem with what he does. He is not exactly harming anyone, not doing drugs, not drinking, not gambling, the guy just enjoys dressing up. Have you ever been included in dressing him up? Helping him to do make up etc? Perhaps you wouldn't feel so threatened about it if you were included about it?

He shouldn't be lying to you but it comes across like you haven't really accepted it and you live with it for a quiet life and he knows that so that is why he is still lying about it to you.

Raksha

Buddingblonde wrote: »

Like so many relationship problems it sounds like the problem is with honesty. It sounds like you are both being dishonest about your feelings.

Hi and thanks for your comments. This first one made me feel a bit defensive, as I think I've been quite honest with him - particuarly what I find acceptable and what I struggle with.

Buddingblonde wrote: »

Firstly you need to sit down together where you cannot be interupted and explain how you feel - it sounds like you have had no control over the rules around his cross dressing - he has suggested his own boundries and is now pushing them as he has no idea where your boundries lie.

I thought we had both agreed about the no leaving the house dressed - it was his idea yes, but one I would have suggested anyway. I think he does know where my boundaries are, but seems hell bent on pushing them anyway

Buddingblonde wrote: »

He doesnt need permission to cross dress but he does need to be able to compromise within the relationship. Equally you dont have to like the cross dressing but if you see a life and a future with this man then you need to compromise. This has to work for BOTH of you otherwise you will resent each other and this kink of his will become more important than your love, your children and your life together.

He's never sought permission to dress, but will often let me know his intentions (normally when he will be alone in the house - kids at school, me at work). I have asked him to make sure he lets me know, as he often doesn't remove his make up very effectively (mascara etc.) so I know when he's been dressing anyway. I can't think that this has happened recently though. The last time I am aware he dressed was just before the August Bank Holiday, when the kids were at camp and we'd both taken the week off to 'play with the grown ups' - do couples stuff together.

Buddingblonde wrote: »

A strange question I know but are their areas of you that you feel are being compromised at the moment. It could be sexual or non sexual but something that is a core part of you that is not being realised. If so it might be that you need to look at this in order not to be resentful this core part of what makes him him. A lot of partners get caught up in appeasing a kink or a fetish in their partner and feel cheated that they arent being as accommodated by the partner.

Yes, yes and yes. I work a 30 hour week over 5 days and he works a 24/7 shift pattern which means often working 6 or 7 days in a row and having 2 weekends out of 5 off. This means a great shortage in 'family time' or 'grown up time'. I have asked my boss if I can work my 30 hours over 4 days instead, so even on those weekends when he's working, I can at least have a day when the kids are at school. Because of this shift pattern (and possibly our ages - I'm 49, he's 48) our sex life is non existant too

Part of me is saying I should yell and scream and shout at him for going behind my back, and the other half is saying why expend the energy - he ain't going to change and I need to accept that our life is going to be like this.........

Buddingblonde

I didnt mean to make you feel defensive - it just the wording of your posts suggest that you havent been as honest with him as you could be (and possibly with yourself too)

Does he know that going out dressed is a deal breaker? What do you really mean by this? Will you end your marriage if he does it again?

It already sounds like there is a resentment towards the cross dressing - it is being done in secret when you are out dealing with the family, rather than being part of the family he is engaging in his own kink rather than fulfilling his roles as husband and father. It sounds like it is a bit of a slap in the face that you are coming home exhausted and looking for love and he cannot even do you the decency of taking his makeup off properly or even putting your things back where they belong.

He is living 2 lives to some extent and it sounds that the life you have together is taking a back seat to the one he has on his own. Does he realise just how cheated you feel by this? Really and truly?

Rather than talking about it I would suggest writing him a letter - taking the time to examine how you really truly feel and then sleep on it.

I dont envy you - kinks and fetishes often are like a mistress when only one partner engages in it. It can be more exciting and more fulfilling to that person than their "normal" life and as time goes on it can become all or nothing.