Advice PLEASE - How do I tell my parents who wont understand???

japanesegirl

I know this sounds totally ridiculous I am 47 years old, married with 2 sons at home and a daughter at Uni. We have just started a DMP with CCCS as owe £39K and I cannot talk to my mother about it and need to as need some help.

My parents (Mum and stepfather) have money but are from the old school whereby you work all your life, build up a good pension and retire with money and once your kids have left home then they are on their own.. BIG FULL STOP.

However, I have a half-sister who has never had a proper job, is single parent to 3 children from 3 different fathers, is a heroin addict and an alcoholic and has sponged off society for 20 years and also sponged off my parents who have always felt sorry for her (poor .X, she has nothing?!?) she has nothing because she has spent anything she has ever had on drink and drugs and my parents have spent 20 years bailing her out situation after situation and given her support to try and help her (Ok understandable). They gave her a car (this she used to get drugs) didnt pay her rent (used the housing benefit for drink/drugs).So parents paid the arrears of over £2000.

So all my parents see is I have a house, a husband, car and a job - but I have all these because we have worked very hard all our lives to get them but now find ourselves struggling.

My husbands car brakes seizured up last Friday and we have a bill for £480, the telephone bill arrived this morning - £69 and the car tax is due at the end of June and we have two months arrears on the Council Tax we cannot afford to pay for ANY of this and I just WISH i COULD FIND A WAY TO ASK MY PARENTS for help.

Has anyone got any advice of how I go about this, it sounds so pathetic but I DARENT.

Its making me feel ill that I cant discuss it but I just know the attitude will be well you got yourself into this predicament you get yourself out and your "poor" sister has nothing!!!

Broken_hearted

One bit of advice don't mention how much they have helped your sister in the past as this will only annoy them. Think of yourself as an indiviual, not part of a the family group and talk to them calmly. If things get heated walk away and try again later. Don't ask for anything but someone to talk to, comment only on your situation and how you feel you need to talk it through with them.
Bite your tounge when they make stupid comments. Breath and you will be fine.

Emmzi

I hate asking my parents for help, and haven't had to in a long time, praise be.

But my mither always says 'you are a parent for life' and would actually LIKE it sometimes if I took more help from her.

It's actually more difficult to be the child who 'does well' - there are a lot of expectations on you! But, and this was my big learning point, this doesn't mean you have to be perfect.

I don't think you need to tell them about the extent of your debt, but you could say you are struggling with this unexpected bill,and things are very tight.

Your alternative is some very severe cut backs for a few months to get straightened out, but I don't know how much you have cut back already and if this is possible.

However, they would not want to see you struggle, by the sounds of it.

You sound like you want to ask them; it's about swallowing some pride.

If you find it difficult to talk to them, how about writing a letter? That way, you can be sure it will 'come out' right.

japanesegirl

I had thought about writing a letter a few weeks ago - and did actually draft one which I sent to my husband and he thought it sounded too formal. I spoke to my father-in-law about the situation about 2 weeks ago as he confronted me and asked what was going on and he was upset that we hadnt told him or felt able to and just kept saying but you're family, and he said I MUST tell my mother as they ought to know. I tried to explain that she wouldnt understand but he said suely she wouldnt want to see us and our children struggling.

The fact is I KNOW she is aware we are having problems because I have another sister, who has also always been self-sufficient who knows the extent of our situation and I also know that she cannot keep things to herself. So if she was prepared to help in any way would she offer!!! its sooo difficult. All I would do to 'borrow' not have on a long term loan and would offer to pay back (though the reality I know would be unlikelyunless I win the lottery).


As for cutting back we are down to £98 per week for all food/housekeeping/children etc everything but the utilities and we are struggling now so cannot cut back anymore.

We feel we will just about manage providing we dont have any unexpected outgoings. Its these we simply cannot cope with.

Emmzi

Your DMP should include an allowance for things like this - are your numbers too tight? Maybe you should speak to CCCS again and rework your figures - has anything changed since you first did them?

japanesegirl

The DMP does have an allowance for contingencies though this is our first month so haven't yet had time to build up any 'savings'. And to be honest the way things are going cant see how we will ever get to that stage.

Thank you for your replies its great to have you lot to talk to

in*the*red_6

japanesegirl wrote:

The fact is I KNOW she is aware we are having problems because I have another sister, who has also always been self-sufficient who knows the extent of our situation and I also know that she cannot keep things to herself. So if she was prepared to help in any way would she offer!!! its sooo difficult. All I would do to 'borrow' not have on a long term loan and would offer to pay back (though the reality I know would be unlikelyunless I win the lottery).

Maybe if she has heard it second-hand from your sister she feels she can't mention it to you as she's not supposed to know? Just a thought but your mum may actually be worried but not feel in a position to offer help as you haven't discussed it with her directly - she could think you will take offence??

Emmzi

So could you borrow from parents and pay back out of your contingency allowance over the next few months? (as opposed to waiting for a lottery win?)

Before you do that - have you sold everything you can? Any non sentimental jewellry, furniture in the shed that a broker would take, etc. I once managed to raise £80 on books just by getting the local dealer to come round and rummage through the shelves.

And my mate made £120 on her first car boot sale by having a ruthless look at nik naks, dvds etc. Might raise enough for a bit of council tax arrears.

Are you selling on ebay? There is a very useful thread on how to do it.

japanesegirl

Maybe if she has heard it second-hand from your sister she feels she can't mention it to you as she's not supposed to know? Just a thought but your mum may actually be worried but not feel in a position to offer help as you haven't discussed it with her directly - she could think you will take offence??

Very good point - although from the past her attitude is 'I dont want to get involved' and 'its not of my business' .

I just dont know HOW to approach it without sounding desparate (which I am) or sounding 'begging'

japanesegirl

Emmzi wrote:

So could you borrow from parents and pay back out of your contingency allowance over the next few months? (as opposed to waiting for a lottery win?)

Before you do that - have you sold everything you can? Any non sentimental jewellry, furniture in the shed that a broker would take, etc. I once managed to raise £80 on books just by getting the local dealer to come round and rummage through the shelves.

And my mate made £120 on her first car boot sale by having a ruthless look at nik naks, dvds etc. Might raise enough for a bit of council tax arrears.

Are you selling on ebay? There is a very useful thread on how to do it.

The thing is I know my parents do have money though mostly invested and tied up. I think one of the problems is that my mother has bailed my sister out so many times and often behind my fathers back.

Two years ago when this financial situation had just started and I was then working part-time I started looking for a full-time job. I was offered a well paid job and that night my mum had two brain haemorrages and was blind in one eye and paralysed down the other side. She spent 3 months in hospital and I turned the job down as I felt she needed me to help and be there not knowing the outcome. She is now completely recovered.

2 months before that my daughter (at Uni) got meningitus so I lost a lot of work/pay through going to and from hospital and this is when we started
using credit cards to pay for the petrol and to stay in hotels to be with her. So not only lost pay but used cc's. Its then that everything started to escalate.

I have been getting some stuff together to sell at a car boot sale - I dont have anything of any value, all my clothes have come from charity shops and I dont think I have anything that could sell on Ebay. I d'ont read, therefore no books, dont buy CD/DVDs.

ozzyfan_2

japanesegirl, with regards to the bills could you ring the council tax & phone company & get them to spread the cost of the outstanding amounts over the next few months or longer?
Could you also ring the garage & make a similar arrangement?
Then ring the CCCS & explain that because you're in the early stage of your dmp you haven't had chance to save an emergency fund & you've had unexpected bills. They then could rewrite your budget to take account of the increased payments.
Not sure how tight your CCCS budget is but just an idea.