Problems with Dad

xxamypxx

Not sure if this is the rght place to post.... just need some advice really!

I'm 22, my parents split up when I was 15 - very messy, they rarely speak now. The main reason was that Dad was very close to my mum's best friend - Dad always said that yes he loved her, but nothing had ever happened - it was an "emotional affair". Mum always thought differently but had no proof.

So they split up, Dad started going out with this "best friend" straight away - caused a lot of problms with me and him, lots of fallings out because I refused to be near her - I don't think I can be blamed!!

Me and Dad are best friends, supposedly tell eacother everything and now he has split up with this woman, and found a new, lovely girlfriend, our relationship is better than ever.

However, I heard him on the phone the other day, very secretive, speaking in a voice that he would use to speak to a girlfriend... but his girlfriend was in our garage so I knew it couldnt be her. Now, I know I shouldnt have done it, but after years of him acting in this way with my mum, I get very suspicious and my worst nightmare would be for this woman to be back in my life and anywhere near my brothers.
I checked his emails... emails on there were recent and saying things about the s*x 13 years ago - when I was 9. I had asked my Dad since they split up whether he had cheated on my mum and the answer was no everytime, even trying to make me feel guilty for thinking he would. Making me feel guilty for hating this woman.

Also, an email saying "love you more than life itself".

I confronted him, he said that she has just got a new bf and it had brought up some old feelings, he would stay away from her, he loves his current gf, loves me and wouldnt do that to me.

Now, 2 weeks later, my suspisions got the best of me again and I see that they have been exchnaging more emails, photos and just general lovey talk. I don;t know what to do, this woman is not coming in to our life again and I will do anything I can to stop it - should I try to speak to her?

Sorry for the rant... and thanks in advance for replies if you have mamnaged to get to the end of this!!!

Amy

lesleyann208

Hi Amy
I have replied to you based on my own personal experiences. Sometimes it is very hard to distance yourself from emotional matters like this one, especially when it’s your parents and siblings etc. You can be strong though!! Naturally we want our parents to do the right thing, be honest, truthful and love us and others around us unconditionally. But unfortunately life isn’t like that and parents are human too, mums and dads make mistakes and sometimes find it difficult to be open with people and yes they do keep secrets, especially from their children. Sometimes this is because they are not emotionally mature or strong enough to come right out with things. Obviously deception and keeping secrets is upsetting but confronting your dad will not get you to the truth I’m afraid. It seems that your dad maybe has issues from long ago that he’s not dealt with and feelings will often will keep coming back until we deal with them.
You sound a little confused and definitely upset and seem to feel that you are the one that has to ‘sort the mess out’. What you must do now is accept that you cannot decide for your dad what he does or does not do as you are not responsible for that.
Find a time to sit down quietly with your dad and explain in a mature, confident and loving way (not being confrontational or putting up demands), that you are concerned that he may be making a mistake. Apologise for intruding into his private matters (because they are his private matters) but that you feel you’ve no option as it’s worrying you. Explain that the choices he makes are his responsibility but that you would really appreciate him being open and honest with you. It’s ok to tell him your scared too.
Do try to accept that he may not make the choice you want him to but explain that he needs to consider those around him that care about him, as well as the others in the family. Be firm and say that it’s time to draw a line in the sand and that you won’t accept anymore secrets but that you would really appreciate him being honest and open. If people feel afraid to be open and honest then they won’t respond so follow your heart and be kind but firm. I hope this helps you, but come back to me if you want to talk through more or send me an email to [EMAIL="lesleyann208@hotmail.com"]lesleyann208@hotmail.com[/EMAIL].

nervousftb_3

xxamypxx wrote: »

I don;t know what to do, this woman is not coming in to our life again and I will do anything I can to stop it - should I try to speak to her?

sorry if this sounds harsh, but i would say you need to keep out of it. by all means let your dad know how you feel, but at the end of the day he is an adult and can have relationships with who he likes. you cannot stop him from contacting this woman, however much you might want to.

maggied_2

Hi Amy

I can under stand why you're angry at this woman for breaking up your parents' marriage. It must be hard to discover he probably was cheating on your mum after all.

However I have to agree with nervousftb - your dad's a grown man who can see who he pleases. It looks like he chose to see this woman behind your mum's back (and I don't mean that nastily, really) and you can't control that.

I understand why you're taking it so personally but you musn't. I'm sure your dad isn't doing this to hurt you but you're obviously still very hurt by his actions when you were younger.

If you need to speak to him about it then do but don't think you can change his mind. And tread carefully - he isn't going to thank you for going through his emails - you may be best mates but you're still his little girl and his sex life isn't any of your business.

As lesleyann says you can tell him you're concerned / scared whatever about this woman reappearing - and I would strongly advise you not to speak to this woman - it's hard to tell from your message but which way were the emails going? If she's got a new boyfriend then it could be your dad who's suddenly chasing her again. I'm not saying that is the case but sometimes it's better to keep out.

Good luck C xxx

foxy-roxy

I agree with the above, you can't dictate your dads life, just as much as now you are an adult i am sure you wish do see who you please.
I do sympathise though, my dad was with someone who i hated for years, but it ended and now he is on his own and i really wish he did have a partner to grow old with.

Any

I can see why you hate this woman - but sorry, who your dad is sleeping with is none of your problem.

If she physicaly or psychologicaly abuses your brothers, then fair enough - report her to the police, but you cannot keep tags on your dad's love life.

If she is the love of his life and she has done nothing wrong (illegal), he will hate YOU forever for it.

Also - and I come from broken up family - affair is never one person's fault. You cannot blame just this woman for it.

We cannot help our feelings unfortunately and affairs sometimes happen..

When my parents split up, my mother was trying to get me to hate my father - who left us for another woman. Fortunately she forgot that even though I was thirteen I was not blind and I knew she had an affair before my father had an affair and that things are never just black and white. I deciced that I cannot judge anyone by anything they've done unless they've harmed me and stayed out of it.

My father is no longer with this "horrible" woman, but over his few relationships since I became the one he loves the most for sticking with him no matter what/who he went out with.

gadjah543

Lesleyann, I would delete your email details asap if i were you.

maggied_2

Meant to say that too ^^^