At a loss as to what to do

smallfry1983

I just posted this in my diary, but thought people might have some suggestions on how to make DH realise how much debt we are in. He says he's onboard with paying everything off asap.....

Having a horrible day so far.

I feel like I'm completely on my own with wanting to get the debts cleared as soon as possible. Everytime I feel like we're making headway, DH completely ruins it by doing something really stupid. There's only so many times you can ask someone to cut back on spending before you start treating them like a child, and I'm getting so close to treating him like a child.

He doesn't understand no nights-out means just that. He is driving up to London on Thursday to see a freind play in a club. That's half a tank of petrol, entrance fee and drinks we can't afford, but he is blind to it.

This month was going so well until I finally got him to give me the username and passwords for another of his bank accounts, where we were supposed to be saving money for TV License and water bills etc, and the money isn't there. So now this month we have £200 payments to make that we had budgeted for but he has spent on crap (he has NOTHING to show for it). The same thing happened last month with the council tax.

It's making me so depressed and unhappy, and he says everytime he'll do better but he never does.

How can I get him to understand we have no money?

sparky0107

smallfry1983 wrote: »

I just posted this in my diary, but thought people might have some suggestions on how to make DH realise how much debt we are in. He says he's onboard with paying everything off asap.....

Hiya hun,
Can you do you SOA (Statement of Affairs), post it on here, print a copy off and shove it under his nose? maybe seeing it in black & white will make him see some sense
http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

Hope this helps

smallfry1983

Theres one in my diary, but some things have changed, so will do a new one.

The things is, we should have money left every month, but due to him being really crap havent seen much of it recently. But the theoretical money seems to give him comfort, even though he knows we never see it, and never will see it because itll be going to overpayments.

Its only going to get worse when we have this baby (due next month), because the extra benefits means extra money, and his car service contract ends next month.

Tixy

Hi Smallfry

That must be so frustrating for you. Although he says he is onboard with repayments his actions are clearly showing that he is yet to really start doing this.

Does he know the full situation with the debts you currently have? Was he involved in setting the budget you have given yourself?

What does he have to say about the missing £200 or so? Where does he think the money for these items will come from?

It is hard to not treat him like a child if he seems to be acting like one!

I know its not really a solution to this problem but as a practial short term measure can you put the money in accounts only you can access? Or take his cards off him?

If you have kids can you 'guilt trip' him about his extra spending - make him realise the impact he is having on them, perhaps something they can't have or do?

I do feel how frustrated you must be so even though I can't offer you a decent solution instead HUGS.

smallfry1983

Statement of Affairs and Personal Balance Sheet

Household Information
Number of adults in household........... 2
Number of children in household......... 1
Number of cars owned.................... 1

Monthly Income Details
Monthly income after tax................ 2947
Partners monthly income after tax....... 0
Benefits................................ 104
Other income............................ 0
Total monthly income.................... 3051

Monthly Expense Details
Mortgage................................ 1307
Secured/HP loan repayments.............. 0
Rent.................................... 0
Management charge (leasehold property).. 0
Council tax............................. 138
Electricity............................. 25
Gas..................................... 40
Oil..................................... 0
Water rates............................. 20
Telephone (land line)................... 11.5
Mobile phone............................ 45
TV Licence.............................. 12
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 0
Internet Services....................... 15
Groceries etc. ......................... 200
Clothing................................ 0
Petrol/diesel........................... 200
Road tax................................ 13.33
Car Insurance........................... 37.5
Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 55
Car parking............................. 0
Other travel............................ 0
Childcare/nursery....................... 0
Other child related expenses............ 45
Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 0
Pet insurance/vet bills................. 0
Buildings insurance..................... 24
Contents insurance...................... 0
Life assurance ......................... 0
Other insurance......................... 22.5
Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 0
Haircuts................................ 0
Entertainment........................... 25
Holiday................................. 0
Emergency fund.......................... 0
Tax Credit Overpayment.................. 25
Total monthly expenses.................. 2260.83


Assets
Cash.................................... 0
House value (Gross)..................... 0
Shares and bonds........................ 0
Car(s).................................. 0
Other assets............................ 0
Total Assets............................ 0


Secured & HP Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
Mortgage...................... 0........(1307).....0
Total secured & HP debts...... 0.........-.........-

Unsecured Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
Natwest Loan...................0.........160.......0
Tesco CC.......................4100......130.......0
Virgin CC......................7500......80........0
Family Loan....................4500......100.......0
Total unsecured debts..........16100.....470.......-


Monthly Budget Summary
Total monthly income.................... 3,051
Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 2,260.83
Available for debt repayments........... 790.17
Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 470
Amount left after debt repayments....... 320.17

Personal Balance Sheet Summary
Total assets (things you own)........... 0
Total HP & Secured debt................. -0
Total Unsecured debt.................... -16,100
Net Assets.............................. -16,100

Created using the SOA calculator at https://www.makesenseofcards.com.
Reproduced on Moneysavingexpert with permission, using Firefox browser.

smallfry1983

Tixy wrote: »

Hi Smallfry

That must be so frustrating for you. Although he says he is onboard with repayments his actions are clearly showing that he is yet to really start doing this.

Does he know the full situation with the debts you currently have? Was he involved in setting the budget you have given yourself?

What does he have to say about the missing £200 or so? Where does he think the money for these items will come from?

It is hard to not treat him like a child if he seems to be acting like one!

I know its not really a solution to this problem but as a practial short term measure can you put the money in accounts only you can access? Or take his cards off him?

If you have kids can you 'guilt trip' him about his extra spending - make him realise the impact he is having on them, perhaps something they can't have or do?

I do feel how frustrated you must be so even though I can't offer you a decent solution instead HUGS.

We both set the budget together, and it was his idea to get an account that only has petrol money and his personal allowance in it, yet he has gone over this amount the past 2 months.

I've got all the debit and credit cards, Im just not sure what else I can do.

he wont keep a spending diary, and is by his own admission bad with money (hence how he accumulated £20000 debt in 3 years... before that, his ex managed all the money and made him feel like crap for spending money... that really screwed his head up and caused him to splurge when they broke up).

We have a 2 year old and am due next month, which is going to make things tighter. We've cut back on all activities for our son that I am willing to, and he knows it's because we have no money. We still have stuff to get for the baby, but can't because we have no money, and he knows this (all stuff you cant use second-hand).

I know my hormones are making everything seem so much worse, but right now I just want to leave him to it, let him try and fix his own mess.

Tixy

Is there anyone else who is any good at getting through to him? a parent, older brother? good friend?

Who could give him a short shock? tell him to grow up and act responsibly? tell him is being unfair on his pregnant wife and children?

You don't need this at the moment but it sounds like if you leave him to it you could end up in an even worse mess.

smallfry1983

i dont want to leave him to it totally on his own, i just want him to grow up and be responsible for a few years. this is the one area that he completely fails at, and i know if i left him to it wed be worse off

hes an only child, doesnt want to tell his parents because theyll offer him money, and i dont want that, i want him to take full repsonsibility for his own debts - he got himself in this, he can get himself out. he and his friends dont really talk about money. they know he's in debt, and know we're making minimum payments, and are therefore surviving each month. thats all that seems to matter.

every month i try to cut back on food, think of ways to cut back spending in general, but it doesnt make any difference

Daffykjs

Does this personal/petrol account have an overdraft? and does it allow him to keep spending even when there's no money (hubby's old account did this, whereas mine didn't)? Anyway if so what about changing his account to the simplest one with no od and no ability to spend money that isn't there! and put the petrol allowance (do you drive the car as well?) into whatever accounts you deal with.

i can understand why he's doing this when you said about his ex. Also i've just had to reasses my budget coz i was looking at the budget and seeing money like he does and spending it, when really it wasn't 'spare' money so needed to be allocated elsewhere. can't tell you if my new budget will work coz it starts next payday but i think you need to sit down with the budget together again and go through it with a fine tooth comb and maybe even take your spending money out in cash each week (also what i'll be doing from next payday!).

goodluck with it! i know from my own experience that it doesn't always work straight away when you've been living a certain way, and sometimes needs another LBM before it makes sense!

smallfry1983

Daffykjs wrote: »

Does this personal/petrol account have an overdraft? and does it allow him to keep spending even when there's no money (hubby's old account did this, whereas mine didn't)? Anyway if so what about changing his account to the simplest one with no od and no ability to spend money that isn't there! and put the petrol allowance (do you drive the car as well?) into whatever accounts you deal with.

i can understand why he's doing this when you said about his ex. Also i've just had to reasses my budget coz i was looking at the budget and seeing money like he does and spending it, when really it wasn't 'spare' money so needed to be allocated elsewhere. can't tell you if my new budget will work coz it starts next payday but i think you need to sit down with the budget together again and go through it with a fine tooth comb and maybe even take your spending money out in cash each week (also what i'll be doing from next payday!).

goodluck with it! i know from my own experience that it doesn't always work straight away when you've been living a certain way, and sometimes needs another LBM before it makes sense!

the account doesnt have an overdraft, and is the most basic account the bank could give us. i dont drive the car, and he needs the money to get petrol for work, so its simpler just now to put the money in that account... i just need to get him to check the balance of it even once a month.

i think we're going to have to allocate more money to the credit cards on the budget, even if it means not actually overpaying until the end of the month (ill keep that to myself).

i am considering drastic measures like keeping his 225 in the house and not giving him the card at all. maybe seeing the physical money being spent will be enough to keep him within his own budget.

right now, i don't get any money to myself because we never have money for me to spend guilt free. i have started to opt out of doing things due to money, and have made it perfectly clear to him that's the reason why.

i am so wary of becoming the person his ex was, i don't know how far to push it before its too far.

i understand itll be hard for him to adapt, he had 10 years with his ex, being able to buy things together every month, going out, having nice clothes. since they broke up and weve been together, he has had numerous LBMs, but he just isnt willing to do the work.

Daffykjs

I honestly think taking the amount out in cash could be the way forward!! and i don't think it's a step too far! without checking the bank account every day/week it's very easy to lose track of what actually has been spent and what is left!