At a loss as to what to do

the_cat

Maybe if you both had a small, per arranged allowance of 'spending' money which you both agreed not to go over, he would feel less constrained by the situation and be less liable to blow money he knows is for bills

He should not have to 'account' for what he has spent his on at all. If this system fails, I would go for the cash only option!!

smallfry1983

He has an allowance which he agreed to not go over already, and he doesn't have to account for it until it gets to more than double what we agreed, which is when I start getting fairly annoyed.

I don't want spending money until I know we can actually have spending money and make our payments every month. I've never told him this, and he's never questioned why I don't spend money on myself.

Tonight, I'm going to float the cash-only idea with him.

dumpy

smallfry1983 wrote: »

he wont keep a spending diary, and is by his own admission bad with money (hence how he accumulated £20000 debt in 3 years... before that, his ex managed all the money and made him feel like crap for spending money... that really screwed his head up and caused him to splurge when they broke up).

I've quoted this bit as it rang so many bells with me. My ex spent money like water and ran up huge debts but he always blamed his ex's, i.e he said they spent money or their behaviour made him spend. I'm sure now he blames me for him not having any money.

It was his way of justifiying to himself that he had the right to spend money. It's really difficult to deal with someone like this, my heart goes out to you.

smallfry1983

he doesnt blame her now, counselling sorted that one out (he is a man of many issues...). now he just blames his spending on him not thinking - THAT i can fully believe because he never thinks things through, just acts. it is so hard knowing what sent him on the downward spiral before (he had literally no debt before then (well, except mortgage), all bills paid in time, large savings account), and seeing how close i am to doing the exact same thing as she did... i dont want to have to check up on his account every week, but i have to. i don't want to tell him off for spending bill money, but i have to.

if you've never had to be financially responsible, it must be so easy to forget that there's noone there to watch your back.

thats something we'll work on if/when we get the credit cards and o/d cleared.