After All The Money Spent on the Kids

sallyjo_2

All power to you for keeping your chin up with teens and young adults.

I have two teens, both terrific kids but my 17 year old son is also academically lazy and lazy around the house. He has though got a great weekend job and so now I've stopped giving him money and make him save 50% (in my ISA at the mo--he's getting his own and also starting stakeholder pension) for his driving lessons and other wants/needs. He must work hard for them because they keep calling him back in every weekend (he marshalls paintball games and is general dogsbody - great job for a 17 year old). It has matured him greatly, and now requests to do jobs around the house aren't such a struggle. I accepted long ago that he won't make it to Oxbridge, but I have come to conclusion that many of my lessons over the years wil have to be validated in the school of hard knocks. He wants to go to uni and into the police force. I reckon if it is what he really wants he will eventually pull up the socks and do what is necessary. He'll be ok.

My 25 year old colleague has a slightly older boyfriend who is about to become a property-expert partner of a London law firm. She told me once when he was in sixth form college he was expelled several times for non-attendance and larking about. He had a lightbulb moment and then got with it, became a surveyor and then a solicitor. I think the laziness thing is common with males.

My daughter is 15 and listens to me as long as I don't preach, or preach with a smile on my face. She realises I'm just doing the mum job. She is forever on at me for money which is draining, but I keep both in the loop about family cashflow, debt and budgets. They have been very supportive in our current debt situation, and they both have fielded phonecalls from the 'vultures' many times. I'm sort of glad that we have had tight financial situations at this time in their life, hopefully they will learn to treat credit cards, loans and all 'debt products' with the due caution they deserve.

halloweenqueen_2

I'm getting seriously peed off at one of mine. I don't think i realised how many treats she got until i've really cut back trying to feed the mortgage pig, we still had a lunch out this week but you'd think she was so hard done by - its really galling! I've explained we have got lots to pay for at the moment and her room and beyond is stacked to the gills with stuff hardly ever used or taken any notice off -and dare you ask them to do anything!!
Anyway if nothing else its taught me to keep the treats in check, because they have stopped being treats but 'expected'.
She's not a bad kid but I'd like to keep her from being a spoilt little thing!

Pobby

Have to say it.My cousin and OH put their kids through private school.Eldest is an accountant however the youngest{nearly 40} runs a shop which makes no money.Think cousin has funded him to the tune of-wait for it-about £200k.Plus pays his VAT,mortgage,car and so on when he needs it!When i said stop funding it and let him get a job they said he wouldn`t talk to them again!To which i thought that`s a bit of a bonus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Pobby wrote:

the youngest{nearly 40} runs a shop which makes no money.Think cousin has funded him to the tune of-wait for it-about £200k.Plus pays his VAT,mortgage,car and so on when he needs it!When i said stop funding it and let him get a job they said he wouldn`t talk to them again!To which i thought that`s a bit of a bonus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

Sounds like the lad is making a great success of his life - his way.

lessonlearned

Just wanted to say hang in there with your kids - obnoxious teenagers have a curious habit of turning into charming and thoughtful adults - all in their own good time.

My youngest son was a spendthrift nightmare and lazy and grumpy with it but now he works in a grotty pub (as well as working hard at his uni studies) to buy his "must haves" and really appreciates all that his dad and I do for him.

I think his lovely girlfriend has helped him mature and see reason. I know you cant chose their partners but I do hope they stay together - she would be a wonderful daughter in law.

Our lads are our pride and joy and worth every penny we've spent on them. I miss them both so much now they are away at uni and I love it when they come home - yes even with the smelly socks, messy rooms, loud music and the empty fridge.

Keep smiling. I am sure that underneath all the teenage stuff they love and appreciate you.

aloiseb

I think you are letting the private school off rather lightly, judging by what I hear from my DH about the parents in the school he teaches at, who are round like a shot complaining to anyone who'll listen if their "brilliant" children aren't doing as well as their parents think they shoudl be, for £xK a year.....

Seriously.....could the school be doing more? If they are relying on your son to bring home his report, and it was such a nasty surprise, their communications can't be that good, for a start. Also, why haven't they asked you about your son's non-attencance at lessons? if I wwere in your position I think I would be down there, not making a pain of myself, but wanting to know the answers to these and other reasonable questions.

tesuhoha

/TBH I've given up. I just cant be bothered any more. We've had years of this, he should never have gone to the school. The school arent very good at communication I know but I have found that the case with all schools. Thanks for all your sympathy but I have listened to what you have all said in recent weeks and I think he needs to wake up and learn about the real world before he can make anything of himself. He told us he was going to work all day Sunday to catch up with work and he spent half an hour in his room. Hes up there now in bed and I have to try to get him up before he makes me late for work.

tesuhoha

I would make him catch the bus, but I did that lasty wweek and he took time off

lessonlearned

Hi Tes

Been thinking about you - hope you're feeling better today.

Had a thought that might help.

When I was at my lowest and most depressed about our debts I sat down with my two boys and showed them the figures (obviously I put a positive spin on things not to scare the living daylights out of them).

They quickly saw the reality of our financial situation (we are supporting two at uni - very hard going). When he actually saw it all written down my youngest, who up until then had a tendancy to take everyone and everthing for granted, had a bit of a lightbulb moment himself.

As I said in my last post for the last year or so he has been a changed person - working in the hols at a job he hates to help with his finances. (I let him keep his money but don't subsidize him through the summer hols).

This summer he needs (wants?) some expensive all singing/all dancing computer for his work. He is in the process of selling all his unnecessary stuff and plans to e-bay and car boot this year as well as a part time job. Hats off to him really.

My suggestion is to show your kids the figures so they can see how tough it is for you. Ask for their advice and suggestions and get them involved. (I wish my parents had done this with me I might have been a bit more sensible with money myself).

I also agree with the last post. It sounds like the school could make a bit more effort - they certainly shouldn't just accept the truancies without letting you know what is going on. You are the paying customer - make them earn their expensive fees.

One last thought - as a youngster I hated school. I was a real fish out of water and so miserable and unhappy that by the time I was a teenager I played truant all the time.

(I did eventually go to uni myself as a mature student, did well and loved every minute of it.)

Can you find out if something is wrong at school and why your boy is skipping. He might be very unhappy but doesn't know how to tell you.

Sorry it's such a long post. Best of luckTes, big hugs.

traveller

Hi, i really did think i was alone on this topic.My eldest has just turned 13 and for a long while i've been having battles with him about any and everything,from money to tidying up.H e does tend to have a more ,more ,more attitude and i too have been feeling he's turning into an ungrateful little sod, quite frankly and have decided to cut back a bit on treats ect.As well as him annoying me with his attitude,like others,i don't think i'm doing him any favours.It's really hard ,but tough love can and will work wonders when it has to,lol.Good luck to the O P,and everyone else-kids aren't easy,lol.