Help with my husband

getmore4less

Rankamateur wrote: »

It is a joint mortgage Sorry to be so ignorant, but will my credit file show his debts too?

It has been a while since we got ours but they did show credit agreements of the OH but not all.

Rankamateur

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Sorry, you really need to find out what he means by "a lot" even if it means having to poke around through his papers as he won't tell you. If you don't you'll have no idea whether he's talking about a few hundred or many, many thousands.

We have relationship where he knows I wouldn't poke in his stuff nor he mine, so I'd have to tell him if I was going to do that. I think (guess?) we are talking about many thousands, possibly tens of thousands.

dancingfairy

Perhaps finding out where the money went might be helpful? do you think he has been treating you to things ie meals out/holidays/little gifts? has it gone on houshold bills? new furniture etc? or is it form problems from his past he was afriad to tell you about that he thought he could cope with that have now got out of control? or is it something more sinister like an alcohol addiction or gambling etc?
The reason I say this is because you may find it easier to approach if you can address the route cause and if you have benefitted from the money is some way - ie I really loved that holiday we had , was that what some of the money went on? in a kind of I love you anyway sort of way - you don't need to treat me to fancy holidays etc. Obviously if it is something else like alcohol or gambling it's probably better to be aware of that as well.
Anyway hope you can have a calm chat about it and let him know how worried you are about him , his health etc and also your joint finances, maybe let him know that you are happy for him to sort it out but you want to be able to be kept in the loop and maybe he will feel better if he comes clean and maybe you can give some suggestions?
Would also let him know that you want to stand by him (if you do) so that he shouldn't worry about the amount - you just want to know.
Anyway hope some of the above suggestions gives you a couple of different ways of how to tackle it but you do need to get to the bottom of it somehow.
df

dancingfairy

Perhaps you could point out that there are organisations out there to help (if he feels overwhlemed by it all).
df

Rankamateur

dancingfairy wrote: »

Perhaps finding out where the money went might be helpful? do you think he has been treating you to things ie meals out/holidays/little gifts?
df

I'm pretty sure it is this sort of overspending (and I would say more "big gifts" than "little gifts"), plus gadgets, magazines, etc. over a length of time. It's funny how you don't think about it at the time but when I look back he spends a lot on this stuff e.g. he has mag subscriptions to Stuff, T3, National Geographic and Focus.

I wouldn't want to spend my life with anyone else, so I will certainly tell him that, thanks

Rankamateur

I just wanted to thank you all for your advice and support. Last week I did speak to my OH and found out that he had worked out exactly what his debt is and been making huge efforts to clear it. He was very reluctant to tell me how much (though I did get a rough idea), but he is very clear that he hasn't done anything (like missing payments or applying for lots of different loans/cards etc) that could affect me. We did talk a bit about how exactly he was clearing his debt and it was obvious that he needs to change some of that, so I've pointed him at this site to get some more structured advice rather than struggling ahead on his own. One thing he did say, which is very encouraging, is how empowering he finds it everytime he makes a step in the right direction (e.g. reducing his amount owed below a certain figure, clearing a card etc) - there's defintely hope for him!

Thanks all agian :T

GeorgeUK

That's good news RA.

Hopefully he'll be able to get some 0% cards and pay as little interest as possible

gfplux

Hello rankamateur,

Since your first post you have made some progress and you know a little bit more.
You do know if you browse these threads that many people have FALSE light bulb moments. They know what they should do but the drug or habit of overspending is very hard to kick.
I would suggest that you have a "money" conversation once a month if you can. have you checked the joint bank statements over the last year to get an idea where the money goes such as credit card payments. Study those and they can tell a lot about the situation.(probably more questions than answers)
Has he got a separate bank account for his wages or does it go straight into the joint account. Do you do the same.
If you do not I suggest you have a separate Bank account for your wages and other payments in and make a standing order to the joint account.
Good luck