Coping after the death of a friend or relative after suicide

1sue23

My son lost a friend to suicide four years ago and still finds it difficult to come to terms with the loss ,I think it is the never ending question of why ? also the guilt if only I had done this or spoken to him it would not have happened.
I know that this is a sensitive subject but one I feel is important enouth for discussion ,my family life was ripped apart by this death and it has had a lifechanging impact on all who know this young man , how do other people cope and come to terms with what has happened ,my son feels as if his friend is now forgotten , as if the way he died has made all the memories of him just vanish as people are unable to deal with the way he died ,maybe if it were not such a tabboo subject and was more openly discussed just maybe troubled young men such as my sons friend would have a voice and would feel they could talk to people about what was worrying them .

valkirn

Firstly huge hugs to you and your son its never easy when someone dies the way his friend did i lost a friend to suicide and to this day we still ask why...

Could your son not do a blog about his friend and how he's feeling or even set up a remembrance page for his friend on Gone too soon or even facebook so that other friends can step up and add their memories too, that way they can help each other..

The only other route is counseling but im not sure how to go about getting this sorry x

foxy-roxy

Hi, i agree with valkrin, the Gone Too Soon website is really good, you can create a page for someone's memory, and have their favourite song on, and pics and messages from everyone who knew him/her.
You even get messages of support from other people who have been through the same thing.
A work colleague of mine comitted suicide last year and it is the why?? that gets to you the most.

Good Luck and hope you and your family can get through it together

(((((HUGS))))

ClootiesMum

My sympathies to all others in this situation.

We've got a title - we're suicide survivors.

Mum commited suicide in February and although we know why it's still hell. And it wasn't a surprise either as she had applied to Zurich for assisted suicide but her illness was moving more quickly than Dignitas was.

DH & I are still in the stunned that she's gone state but looking at the Gone Too Soon site I think I might go down this road at some time in the future - not just now though.

Sorry I've got nothing to add, I just wanted to share..

CM

loopy_lass

hope everyone is feeling ok today, all i can say is the why is .... because its a release, its too difucult to stay... dont feel i can say any more just now will try later,...

xxx

1sue23

I think it is getting over that nothing could have changed things , an example being normaly my son walked to the bus stop with his friend but that day he was busy and so he walked on his own , also the internet was down and my son spoke every evening to him and maybe he should have phoned him and then it would not have happened .
It was a complete bolt out of the blue his friend had lots of friends and was talented and doing well ,he had a loving family and no apparent problems ,his behaviour was normal and he was planning going to university , he did have dyspraxia and was dyslexic and maybe it was an impulsive act ,it is strange that something like the weather being as it was on the day it happened can bring it all flooding back , or someone wearing simular clothes .
My son went into a bad bout of depression and self loathing about a year later and felt at times that life was not worth it luckily he told me how he felt and went to the doctor with me and was prescribed drugs to help him cope .
The impact this has had on all of our lives not just family and friends ,but to all that knew him makes me think that this is a subject that should be discussed openly by schools and colleges so that if someone is feeling such despair there is not the fear of feeling alone in how they feel and perhaps it may just save a young persons life .

loopy_lass

some schools do in PHSE type classes, but when i was at school and the subject was raised i freaked totally because it made it real and i HAD to face it whether i was ready or not.. i guess it depends on how its raised as an issue... and what safety nets are in place afterwards..

loops

Spirit_2

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your son's friend. It is tragic to lose a young person, and compounded when it is by their own hand.

My sister-in-law did this when she was 25. 20 years have passed and I am not reconciled to her decision, although I no longer wonder what else I could have done, I no longer feel as if i should have been able to stop it. I do not know when I reached this state, but it was a long time - perhaps 15 years or more. She is not however forgotten, I wonder "what might have been" and feel especially sad at times when milestones are reached that bring her death to the fore of our conciousness - often happy events that she should be sharing.

Can I suggest your son speak to Cruse the bereavement support group, it is not only for the elderly and if they cannot help directly they will help direct him to others who can. This is so very sad, and the effect of your sons own health is something to take seriously.

I wish him well - that he misses his friend say much about his depth of feeling and I am sure he was the best friend he could be.

Spirit

tori.k

My best friend killed herself in feb and even tho the logic side of me tells me there is nothing i could have done to stop her my heart tells me if id got to her ten mins before it would have been different, im so sorry for your son he need to get some help to come to terms with the fact there is nothing he could have done to change what his friend did,
I loved the idea of the blog, we have done something similar with a geo coin (geocaching) its a memory coin with a code that hidden in a cache when people find it they log the coin online and a page with a photo saying a little about her what she was like so her memory will live on, they say you are only truly gone when the last person forgets, her's hoping she will live on traveling the world long after im gone
Best wishes
Tori

Bananabelly

1sue23 wrote: »

My son lost a friend to suicide four years ago and still finds it difficult to come to terms with the loss ,I think it is the never ending question of why ? also the guilt if only I had done this or spoken to him it would not have happened.
I know that this is a sensitive subject but one I feel is important enouth for discussion ,my family life was ripped apart by this death and it has had a lifechanging impact on all who know this young man , how do other people cope and come to terms with what has happened ,my son feels as if his friend is now forgotten , as if the way he died has made all the memories of him just vanish as people are unable to deal with the way he died ,maybe if it were not such a tabboo subject and was more openly discussed just maybe troubled young men such as my sons friend would have a voice and would feel they could talk to people about what was worrying them .

Hi there,
This is a terrible tragedy which no one should have to endure. The suggestions of counselling are good ones, your GP can recommend appropriate therapists and I think it is available through the NHS. Your post makes me think that you too are having issues with this, saying that your family life has been ripped apart - maybe counselling would be useful for you too? I hope I am not making too many assumptions by saying that.

Keep in mind that it is fairly well known that publicity about suicides can increase the number of people who at least try (and sometimes succeed) so the school may be finding it difficult to deal with this as well, as they might not want to forget the boy, but don't want others to follow the same path. I think that is why it is seen as a bit taboo. The ideas for webpages etc are good as long as they focus on that boy's life and talents, etc rather than his death.

There is a definite need for places that troubled youth (males and females) can talk through their issues, and I think there is some services though their names elude me right now - maybe someone else will be along with more helpful information.

System

Just wanted to add there are a lot of support groups out there for survivors of suicide, and the friends and family left behind. One a friend recommended is http://www.uk-sobs.org.uk/help_and_support.htm

For counselling i would suggest he see his GP, as he can be referred this way, or perhaps contact Cruse (http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/) for specialist bereavement counselling