Fed up of boyfy's spending!

Jo_R_2

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Ah that's better...

Okay, so here's the shortened story... Been sorting out our finances the last two/three months, things going well, shopping budget going great, and managed to get boyfy on board.

I go on maternity leave at end of May, and money is going to be tight until December. Been doing planning ahead, looking at particular one-off expenses that will be due during my maternity leave these include car tax, car insurance and contents insurance.

Are in position whereby boyfy has just received his student loan, and as well as buying some baby essentials, I have explained that we need to put this money aside so we have it available when renewals are due. My longer-term plan is to budget a monthly amount to pile together so when annual payments are due we have the cash there... But not in position to do that yet - have been on reduced wages due to sick pay so not much to spare anyway.

I suspect, however, that boyfy has been "helping himself" to his student loan for various NON-essentials :mad: Now, I bailed him out when we moved in together, and took out a loan to consolidate his debts as he is terrible with money. We made an agreement that in the future, any financial decision would be made jointly, and that goes down as far as buying pretty much anything at all. He did err once by getting out a storecard without my knowledge to pay for Christmas presents, we have talked through it and whilst I was angry he reneged on our agreement, I know his intentions were good (if completely stupid) and it's in the past now.

Now, whilst I have no proof he has been spending his loan, I am guilty now and again of monetary "nagging", ie, " if yr going out for a drink, make sure you don't spend yr bus fare stash on beers." And so on He has really gotten into this moneysaving since he has seen we can end the month without being charged left, right and centre by the bank, and has as far as I know stuck to our budgeting.

However, fed up as I get sometimes of guarding our money, I am sensing another confrontation is going to come up about this. As much as I want to ignore it, I know full well that the pub lunches he goes for with his uni friends are not solely financed by them and the "quick drinks" he goes for are not all bought by his mates either.

I have planned a LOT for the upcoming months to make sure I have all bases covered and I know we are lucky to have the luxury of his student loan to finance my leave. However, I can see that a chunk of it is going to mysteriously disappear, and whilst I have no proof - ie he has not said explicitly to me that he has spent cash from his loan on these things - it is obvious where it has come from.

I am angry firstly because he is potentially putting us in debt over the duration of my leave, and this may mean the six months off I have been desperate to spend with new baby may end up being reduced. Secondly, I will openly admit I resent him being "able" to go out and buy these things, because basically I don't have the money to. All our wages go into my account, along with benefits and all direct debits/monthly finances come out of my account as well. Nothing much left to spare at the mo.

Does anyone else have this problem? I have to speak to him tonight about it as we have planned to sort out putting money aside for this leave later on. I just feel rather cross and like a bit of a stuck record really!

And that wasn't short was it?!??!

poppycracker

Hi Jo_R I am in almost exactly the same situation (except that I'm not pregnant (congrats on that btw) )


My dearly beloved OH seems to think that my bank account is a bottomless pit! Through no fault of his own, he has had 12 weeks work in the 3 and a half years we've been living together, and this has had a real draining effect on our finances. It finally came to a head last year when I got B+E involved (without telling him). In my head, why should I have told him, all the debt was in my name and my name only. In his head, he should have been told because he's the man and supposed to be earning the money (load of tosh I keep telling him that). Anyway, he was feeling guilty, and taking it out on me.

I too really resent the fact that he seems to be able to go out every day and spend money when I don't feel I can do the same due to bills coming out etc etc. I'm desperately trying to keep him to a grocery budget this month, because I want to go to London to see my grandmothers who are neither of them in the best of health next month, and I wont be able to do that if we (like always) are living on fresh air by the end of this month.

So, to cut a long story short, I know how you feel! However, you've got to think about yourself for the next few months and he has to pull his finger out and start taking some control. Have you got family or friends near you that you could call on in an emergency? It's never nice having to ask people you know for money, but it might help your peace of mind to know you have a safety net.

Confront him but calmly. Getting into a screaming match won't be good for you and will just make him shut down and not listen.

Well, that's my two pennys.... hope it makes sense, sure there'll be lots of others along shortly with more advice. Good luck!!!!

Northernbird_2

I know exactly what you mean. It's that exhausting, on the watch all the time, being paranoid about everything, feeling like a nagging mum in charge of a 14 year old boy ..feeling. I've had it all.

From my perspective, me and OH are getting there. It partly happened because I couldn't cope with it all on my own when his income dropped. I'm keeping him involved in everything, I'm telling him what's going on. Didn't work at first, but when I come home with a bag of shopping boasting at how I've just spent £2.11 and we now have dinner for the next three days with it, he's starting to take notice. He always felt 'being cheap' as he called it, was something to be avoided and a bit shameful. I'm trying to turn it so that it's something to be proud of. We're in a mess, we need to get out, and if we can eat home made food, fresh and wholesome, for next to nothing, that is a great thing.

For your immediate problem, you need to bring the inevitable argument to a head so you don't fret over it any more. I've done it along the lines of, "oh, that £xx money, can you transfer it over to such and such account tonight", perhaps even say that you've written cheques for the amounts and it's all allocated and you need to send them out... something that really forces him to say, "I've not got that amount any more...".

It may be that he's not spent it, but if you're like me, you get an instinct for these things!

Anyway, loads of people have probably posted by now I've taken so long to write this post, so this is just my two cents worth, as I feel for you.

Good luck and hope it works out. xx

Daniel_B

If your other half, be it male or female (Makes no difference) can't understand your concept, and what all the work and effort is about, then I think it's time to give them a SERIOUS wake up call.

I think it's best to be blunt with a lot of things in life, lessens the chance of misunderstandings :A

I am VERY lucky, as I used to be not too bad, and my now OH is very good for money, we have now both made ourselves equally as good at saving, and spending wisely, we have budgets for absolutely EVERYTHING, that we have both sat down and agreed upon, usually using past stats to come to a conclusive figure.

Dan

nicola1982_2

My ex spent a lot of my cash and after we broke up didn't repay me - hence the position I'm in. Get it nipped in the bud now, before it does get out of hand. There is no reason that anyone else should get you into further debt. When will he graduate? Maybe when he has his own income he will start to realise the value of money.

Kaminari_2

After a year of being with my other half i couldn't handle living day to day and spending more than i had like he was. I broke down and told him that i couldn't handle it anymore and that i was going to have to leave. It wasn't done in an ultimatum type of way such as it is either me or the money. It was more i was choosing to remove myself from the problem and that involved breaking up with him.
I think it was a wake up call for him as he asked me to help him do a budget to get out of the mess. Almost three years later he has only two more payments to go to be totally debt free. I am so proud of him. I don't believe that men (and women) change and would usually let go of a situation before i started to get into a cycle but he changed his way with money and it has done wonders for our relaltionship. We'll be able to start saving soon for our own place.

raven_3

My OH is in a lot of debt but also earns more than me, although most of his salary goes out on debt repayment. Before he admitted it to me he was going over his overdraft every month, then claimed he had no money spare to help himself with. A quick look through his statement with a red pen showed £450 worth of unnecessary purchases/withdrawals in one month

He wants to sort himself out but I do sometimes feel like I'm mothering him. I know what you mean by money-nagging. I hate it. But we're only 23 and I KNOW he doesn't want to spend his life at home paying off bills, so I see my nagging as justified! He has lightbulb moments on and off and then seems to have days when he just doesn't care, and undoes his good work.

I know it's different as we don't live together or have a baby on the way etc, but I'd still like us to be able to do couply things together more often and this is impossible when he won't pay attention to careful spending.

He's getting there, I think, slowly. But I understand how you feel and I reckon he needs a good talking to - or he'll get used to you looking after him. And you have a baby soon that'll need looking after a lot more Good luck!

ms_london

Jo_R wrote:

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Ah that's better...

Okay, so here's the shortened story... Been sorting out our finances the last two/three months, things going well, shopping budget going great, and managed to get boyfy on board.

I go on maternity leave at end of May, and money is going to be tight until December. Been doing planning ahead, looking at particular one-off expenses that will be due during my maternity leave these include car tax, car insurance and contents insurance.

Are in position whereby boyfy has just received his student loan, and as well as buying some baby essentials, I have explained that we need to put this money aside so we have it available when renewals are due. My longer-term plan is to budget a monthly amount to pile together so when annual payments are due we have the cash there... But not in position to do that yet - have been on reduced wages due to sick pay so not much to spare anyway.

I suspect, however, that boyfy has been "helping himself" to his student loan for various NON-essentials :mad: Now, I bailed him out when we moved in together, and took out a loan to consolidate his debts as he is terrible with money. We made an agreement that in the future, any financial decision would be made jointly, and that goes down as far as buying pretty much anything at all. He did err once by getting out a storecard without my knowledge to pay for Christmas presents, we have talked through it and whilst I was angry he reneged on our agreement, I know his intentions were good (if completely stupid) and it's in the past now.

Now, whilst I have no proof he has been spending his loan, I am guilty now and again of monetary "nagging", ie, " if yr going out for a drink, make sure you don't spend yr bus fare stash on beers." And so on He has really gotten into this moneysaving since he has seen we can end the month without being charged left, right and centre by the bank, and has as far as I know stuck to our budgeting.

However, fed up as I get sometimes of guarding our money, I am sensing another confrontation is going to come up about this. As much as I want to ignore it, I know full well that the pub lunches he goes for with his uni friends are not solely financed by them and the "quick drinks" he goes for are not all bought by his mates either.

I have planned a LOT for the upcoming months to make sure I have all bases covered and I know we are lucky to have the luxury of his student loan to finance my leave. However, I can see that a chunk of it is going to mysteriously disappear, and whilst I have no proof - ie he has not said explicitly to me that he has spent cash from his loan on these things - it is obvious where it has come from.

I am angry firstly because he is potentially putting us in debt over the duration of my leave, and this may mean the six months off I have been desperate to spend with new baby may end up being reduced. Secondly, I will openly admit I resent him being "able" to go out and buy these things, because basically I don't have the money to. All our wages go into my account, along with benefits and all direct debits/monthly finances come out of my account as well. Nothing much left to spare at the mo.

Does anyone else have this problem? I have to speak to him tonight about it as we have planned to sort out putting money aside for this leave later on. I just feel rather cross and like a bit of a stuck record really!

And that wasn't short was it?!??!

I think your boyf needs to wake up and realise that you are bringing a little person into the world, so he'll have to change his "me, me, me" ways - as you'll have someone relying on you!!

It must be hard having to rely on someone else for money - could you squirrel some away between now and when you go? Have you sat down and made a budget?

You sound really sensible, I just hope he sorts himself out soon!! xx

Jo_R_2

Hi all

Thanks to you who have replied, and huggles to those who have been or are in same position!

We do have a budget, not one that covers all bases, it's more one that's being developed and worked on, kinda improved month-by-month.

We also already have one little one :j So this one will be our second, and he knows how hard it was last time I was off on maternity leave. Luckily this time, having learned a lot from here :T I am infinitely more prepared. I am currently more thinking about this short-term and getting through maternity leave, but also am looking at longer-term changes.

Also he does work part-time as well as studying full-time, he actually increased his hours in order that we could get help with childcare costs. His course tends to be very intensive, so I think he often feels he needs to chill out after a stressful day, which of course involves buying beers and going out, without telling me where the cash is coming from.

Last night I sat down and started to go through with him how much we had spent already out of his student loan for baby equipment, what other things we needed to get, and what we needed to put aside for car tax and insurance policies, as we had arranged to do. Remarkably, he suddenly was incredibly stressed and just wanted to "relax and not think about stuff like that." Granted, it is the most stressful time of the year for him as he is currently in the middle of sorting out his final show for uni and has been working very hard so I can appreciate that... But we also need money to live on do we not???!!!

This morning we had a bit of a fracas about it, he said I talk about money every day, every evening and he just wants a day where we don't talk about it. I did point out that it was his suggestion from two days before that we sit down and sort all this out... We then somewhat more amiably discussed what I had tried to discuss last night, and I said all I had wanted to actually do was for him to transfer the appropriate amounts into a savings account so they were safely stashed away.

I have already said to him he had better not be spending his student loan money on beer, or going out, or anything else we had not agreed. I know what is going to happen is he will continue to bury his head in the sand which is a real shame, I worked really hard to get him on board with this moneysaving and when he took an interest I was very pleasantly surprised, he has been great with working out what pushchair was best to get with our money, which nappies to buy, and doing our weekly shopping on a budget (in fact now HE'S the one who walks round the shops armed with calculator) so for him to do this is sooo frustrating.

I am going to have to bite the bullet, sit him down and ask him how much has he spent that I don't know about, no excuses, 'tell me now' type thing. Whether I can do anything to change this, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be afraid of 'mothering' him, I don't want to but if it is the only way to keep things on an even keel then I would do it.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that it may be the case that looking at a full six months' off for maternity leave was far too optimistic - sad, but hey.

Sorry for moaning some more! And thanks for reading .

poppycracker

Jo_R wrote:

I also have a sneaking suspicion that it may be the case that looking at a full six months' off for maternity leave was far too optimistic - sad, but hey.

Sorry for moaning some more! And thanks for reading .

Why should you feel guilty that you want to spend the time you are allowed off to look after your new baby?

Oh and him getting worked up over you wanting to talk about money? Classic guilty conscience. My OH does that all the time.

lynzpower

Hugs to all you lot suffering. In fairness, my OH is OK like this, he has no money to spend really! But I do nag when hes constantly looking at stuff to buy on ebay ( cheap clothes mainly) and me like a wizened old bag going "we cant afford it" . Money nagging is the pits.