Am i a horrible person?

sleepless77_2

Hello everyone, ive created a new profile for this as i feel so horrible about what i am going to write and don't want anybody i know to read.

My partners brother has announced he is getting married and every one (including myself) is really happy for them. Obviously they are very excited but it is all their parents talk about, and are really wanting us to be as interested as them. I love a wedding as much as the next person but the thing is, ive been with my partner for 5 years and we talk about getting married all of the time, but have decided to save for a deposit for a house instead. This would be fine and i could wait but my mum is really ill and recently my sister said she cried to her saying she didnt think she would see me get married Now that my partner's brother is getting married i feel like we cant get married until they do as they would see it as 'stealing their thunder' . If we announced that we were getting married before them then i really think it would upset a few people. I got upset the other day and my partner suggested just going away and getting married in Gretna Green or doing it in a registry office but thats not the kind of wedding we want, i dont want a big one with all the trimmings just one with all the ppl i care about. It sounds silly but i feel jelous that his brother can have a wedding with all his family but i have to wait and this might not be possible for me. Please dont think that i only want to get married for my mum because my partner asked me to marry him after a month together and 5 years later we are still madly in love, we just never made it official with a ring because of money reasons and the fact i was working my way up the career ladder.

Im sure im just feeling sorry for myself but i really wanna be happy for them!

SL77

xJayJayx

Hun i feel for you but if you want to get married so your mum can see you get married then go for it.
It shouldn't matter what anyone thinks. If they get angry or annoyed then it shows what kind of person they are knowing your mum is ill. Go to a holiday inn for £999 nice and cosy and cheap(!) and do what you want.

Mme.Hibou

Is a joint marriage out of the question?

It could be very MSE...

TinyPablo

I think you should go ahead and get married, what would upset you more in years to come, upsetting a few people for a couple of months or not having your mum see you get married?

MoosMummy

I got married last August and before we booked anything we told people the date we were thinking of, which happened to be my FIL's birthday. My In Laws were really miffed and we did consider waiting until this year but as it was my parents 30th anniversary and we were travelling up to Scotland to celebrate with them, we decided to stop at Gretna Green on the way and as FIL's birthday was the saturday before their anniversary, it couldn't be helped.

Unfortunately my Dad got ill just before Christmas and passed away in February so if we had waited till this year he wouldn't have been there to give me away. Please don't worry about upsetting people, they will understand your reasons if you explain I'm sure.
xxx

Dee-Dee

I don't think you are horrible at all. I know from expereince that it is really hard to watch other people getting married when you have been engaged for a while. I have found myself being happy for them but a bit sad for myself - I try to thing of them as two totally separate feelings, which helps as I have felt a bit mean in the past. If you explain I am sure they will understand and if they don't then sod 'em! The important thing is that you get married and that your Mum is there to see it. If I have learnt anything from this Forum it is that you need to do what is right for you as you can't please everyone and the people that love you will understand and support any decisions you make. x

val_84

You are not being horrible at all, My brother got engaged May last year and I got engaged Christmas Day last year, after thinking long and hard we decided we coudltn get married next year as my brothers is planned for sept 2010 and I didnt want to wait until the year after we got engaged Aug 15th this year.... I was a bit worried I would upset people and possible steal my brothers thunder but they were happy for us.
I had originally always said I wanted to go abroad and get married but after thinking about it we decided to say here for my OHs grandparents sake as he wanted them to see us get married and Im glad we did as the day with ALL our family was wonderful.
I am sure if you explain the reasons they will understand and thy will also be grateful as they will know what they will be letting themselves in for with regards to planning and the day etc.
Just sit down and talk to them and things will be ok..

Val
xxxx

Rolandtheroadie

Sorry, smacks of selfishness.

hunnycat

scotsman4th wrote: »

Sorry, smacks of selfishness.

thats a little harsh, if you were in the same situation would you not feel the same?


op: can you not have a small family thing, nothing huge just a service and small meal after and save up for the big do and have it after his brothers? then you get to have all the family you want with you and have an excuse for 2 parties.

Rolandtheroadie

hunnycat wrote: »

thats a little harsh, if you were in the same situation would you not feel the same?

House more important, career girl, saving for a deposit, new id on here to hide her own, pretend engagement with no ring 1 month after meeting.
They've had 5 years to "name the day" but didnt.
Not harsh, realistic.

coolcait

I think you've had a lot of good, sensitive, and caring advice on this thread, and I hope it helps you find a way forward.

I would ask you one question: do you want to get married, or do you want to have a wedding?

It's very easy to get the two confused - and there can be a fair bit of overlap between them.

My view is that 'getting married' is about two people who love each other declaring that fact, in the presence of all the people they care about, and in the presence of someone who is empowered to make it all legal!

'Having a wedding' can (should!) be about all of the above, but also involves 'all the trimmings'.

I can appreciate how difficult things are for you just now emotionally, and maybe this kind of rational approach isn't what you need or want. But, maybe if you can look at what you really want yourself, it will help you sort out how you can deal with it all.

Ignore the next bit if you want to avoid other people's emotions influencing you...! And, in case you stop reading here, good luck with everything!






When I got married, I followed my own advice. It was about 'getting married', but I did still have some 'having a wedding' trimmings albeit on a budget. We had a buffet rather than a sit-down meal, and it was all prepared by family, for example.

But, due to bereavements, some important people in my life were not there. And even if you believe that they're watching over you, it's not the same - or it wasn't in my experience. I would gladly have married in rags, with no reception, no ring, no party, no honeymoon - if I could have had all those I cared about present.

Hell, if I could have them back, I'd have spent my entire life without getting married! (although they'd have nagged me about it :rotfl:).