How do I tell my children that grandad is dying??

notlongnow_2

They have been through so much over the last few years including me leaving his dad, his dad has major problems and now their grandad is terminally ill(their dads dad).

With what he has been diagnosed with, I dont think he has long.

How on earth do I tell my children? I know I dont have to say anything yet as,in a childs eyes, they havent noticed he is ill.

It is better coming from me than their dad. We are a very open family and I have no problems talking to them about personal things/feelings etc. I also work with death and know what to expect and can console grieving families but this is different.

Im sure one of you has been through a similar situation, but how did you tell yours?

juliescot

I suppose it depends on how open you have been about death as a subject, an how old the kids are.

I have always spoken openly about death to DS and when my father died he was terribly upset but understood it was part of life (as it were) He was 4 at the time.

I was honest and open as I could be.

notlongnow_2

Hi, I am honest with them. Im not religious but the younger one (9) has a fixation with death and that he doesnt want to die ever, which I know is normal but I dont want this to tip him over the edge, he has never experienced the death of someone close to him ( the rabbit was bad enough).

I dont believe in heaven but in the past I have told him that the rabbit/hamster/bug in his pocket/ has gone to heaven and isnt sick any more etc etc, something I dont feel totally at ease with but it does soften the blow for them.

I just feel so sad for them that when I do tell them, it will tear their world apart and there will be nothing I can do or say to make them better.

SailorSam

I think it would be better if you could explain to the kids but wouldn't it just cause them to worry about it. After my Mum died my niece was terribly upset asking what would happen if I died, and her mum and dad died, then my sister died. So as cruel as it seems i think it's best not to say anything.

notlongnow_2

Im not planning on telling them until I have too. They will ask me, I just dont know how to be the kindest when they do. I wont lie but I want to soften the blow as much as possible and will consider little harmless white lies if it will ease there sadness.

jack*tigger

(((HUGS)))

I guess all you can do is sit them down and explain that Grandad isn't well and that sometimes there are no medicines or operations that will help.

Take photos and videos of the kids with their Grandad and make sure they have good memories of him.

When my Nan died (I was 17) my mum and aunt stopped all the kids seeing her when she got to the stage where she couldn't remember us. They wanted us to remember her as she had been not what the cancer had made of her. I'm glad that they did 'cos I always remember her as a happy vibrant lady.

juliescot

My son was very upset and went through the whole thing about not ever wanting to die.
We chatted a lot and I explained that everyone dies.

Eventually he accepted it.
Oddly it does help when a famous person dies as the media coverage helps re-inforce "everybody dies" .

And I have no religious beliefs either so have never bothered with the heaven stuff.

frivolous_fay

I wasn't told how bad my gran was, all I knew was that she was ill and had had some operations. It was then thrown at me in a row with my mum.

Not a good way to find out, and rather unfair to criticise my lack of sympathy for how she was feeling, when I had no idea she was dying.

carolan78

Hi my Nanna passed away in March, she was very ill but the dr's said she could carry on for 10 years for all they knew because her heart was strong as an ox's. Unfortunately the rest of her body was closing down, and they couldn't predict how long it would take for it to take the toll on her heart. Anyway back to the issue, my cousin didn't tell her DS 13 it could happen any time soon and he didn't really visit my Nanna much in her final months.

When it happened he took it very badly, building a shirine to her in his room, fighting with kids at school and refusing to go to the funeral which he now regrets. He still can't grieve properly and it is hard enough as an adult dealing with the reality of never seeing her again so I dread to think how difficult he is finding it right now.

In essance I would suggest you don't hide it from your DS at 9, because he is old enough to understand and preparing for it with chance to make the most of that precious time he has left with his Grandad may just ease the grieving a little for him. Whatever you decide your in my thoughts xx

BitterAndTwisted

I think at nine your son probably already understands about death, about the finality of it. I think I'd mention in passing that Grandad is very poorly and then a day or two later, when he's had an opportunity to digest that information tell him that Grandad isn't going to get well. There are some things you just can't protect your children from and death is the biggie but it's not an alien concept: pets dies, famous people die, they've seen talk of it on TV and it's possible that one or two of his schoolchums may have suffered a bereavement as well. The main thing that something like this throws up is the fear that you too will abandon him and he needs to be reassured that you won't, you're not old like Grandad. Don't fear, you're his mother and you truly will be able to comfort him at this terribly sad time, I'm sure of it.

ailuro2

Use something on TV - like an animal hospital type show perhaps? - to ask him if he knows that sooner or later our old folks are taken from us.......explain that just like pets, humans get worn out too, and that while everyone wants to the old people to stay with us sometimes they get illnesses that are just too hard to recover from, so their soul goes somewhere nice and they leave their tired old body behind.

Using the TV or a newspaper article to bring it up will not be as memorable as sitting him down at the kitchen table and telling him Grandad's dying.

When you start talking abuot elderly people he might ask if you're talking about Grandad - if he does there's your opening to say it looks like Grandad's body is getting close to being worn out.

Be nice and gentle, but try not to lie.

My grandad died when I was 9 and I have some wonderful memories of him, but some awful memories of the funeral and not being allowed to go, but being taken to the graveside later on to see the flowers. Not what I wanted, so ask your son when it happens what he would like to do - not go to the funeral, but maybe have a trip to his Grandad's favourite place to leave some flowers instead of visting a fresh grave with other peoples flowers on it..(but if Grandad's favourite place was the local pub, then you might need to change it!!)