What to do about partners 14yr old daughter

Alligg

Hi All
I'm afraid this is a bit of a long winded situation but would appreciate any advice.
I've been with my partner for 18mths and we have lived together for 1yr.my partner has a daughter from his previous marriage which ended at least 6yrs before we met.when my partner and I got together we made sure it was a gradual thing introducing me to D,we met on neutral ground and always made sure D was happy with how things were going.things went really well and D even came to stay at my flat on her own when her dad was on guard duty(RAF) D came every 2 weeks and I origonally lived in the town where she does and we struck up quite a friendship.we did lots of things together and I paid for girly things that she felt awkward asking her dad for.in the end she used to ask her dad if I would come and stay over with them on her weekends at her dads.we all did stuff together and myself and D did girly stuff too which partner was happy with.we talked to her about me moving in and she was really pleased.everything went well for a few months and then for some reason it all kicked off.D came for weekend and brought 2 friends,they went to pics into town etc before D goes home I always ask her to bring any glasses down from her room,put any dirty washing in laundry bin and bring her waste paper bin down to empty.its the only things I ask from her.They all went home and we went to hoover and clean rooms,under D bed we found 7 pairs of dirty knickers,this had happened before and partner had spoken to her so it was a bit annoying that it had happened again,especially as it was the new stuff I had bought her myself as i'd noticed she needed new ones.partner said maybe I should speak to her as she might be embaressed if he did.I spoke to her,asked her why and said I was a bit dissapointed that after all we had done she couldnt have put them in wash bin.the next time D was due to come she said she didnt want to as we never did anything,never took her anywhere and never bought her anything,this really upset me as it was completely the opposite.D also told me something that weekend that she hadnt told her mum or dad,she'd been to a local nightclub that ran an under 18 disco after her mum had said no she was planning on going again,I didnt feel comfortable about this so spoke to partner and her mum,I was worried if anything happened and they didnt know where she was and I did.anyway D refused to come and stay anymore then a week before her 14th birthday in Oct txt and asked if her dad wanted to see her,she took her presents and told us we had ruined her birthday by telling her mum about nightclub,we didnt even get a thank you and neither did the other members of the family on partners side.she then had no contact until xmas eve when she wanted her presents,we had made plans to go to partners mums so said she could come there for them,she refused,she didnt get her presents till new year when ex came and got them,even though we had tried many times to arrange to take them.there was lots of arguing between partner and ex,myself and ex,partner and ex's husband etc.she told us to leave D alone and let her come round,partner wanted us all to sit down and sort it out straight away so everyone knew what was being said but they wouldnt,D sent me lots of nasty txts and emails and told partner I was vile,so we left it and on partners bday he got a txt at 11pm saying she was having a fab time at the nightclub and her mum had agreed to her going.partner ignored txt and left her to it,we waited months and then partners mum invited D to a family bday meal,we didnt think she would come but she agreed.I felt so sick to the stomach,I didnt know how to react or how to deal with it.meal went ok and I was civil to D and she gave me a hug at end of night.she then emailed me a few times,I always was polite but it was hard,we then invited her to come and stay for the first time in nearly a year to go on a day out to Alton towers with some friends and family.the day was ok but it was very strained between us,partner says he understands and backs me 100% I just feel very hurt by what happened and I know i'm the adult but how am I to carry on now when nothing has been said or sorted,I just feel she now thinks she can chuck a paddy and she can treat me like dirt and there wont be any comeback.it has now been arranged that D will come and stay the first weekend of every month and i'm dreading it,I dont want to feel like this as she is a great kid,if not a bit spoilt,but I dont want to open up to her to be hurt all over again.
Please help me get over this fear as I dont know what to do.
Thanks for listening and sorry its sooooo long
Alli

Mrs_Thrify

Hello Alli, what you are going through is the teen syndrone, all annoying behaviour. Testing and seeing how far they can push. You will have this for the next few years, not what you want to hear!
Just keep talking to keep the chanel open as it is going to get tough.
Sending (HUGGS).

Sarahlou_2

Hi,

Big hugs x x How old is daughter?

Mrs_Thrify

14 is in the headline so it makes it the begining of thoose teen tantrums :rolleyes:

Sarahlou_2

julie_d wrote: »

14 is in the headline so it makes it the begining of thoose teen tantrums :rolleyes:

I need glasses - I'm such a clown

Alligg

Thanks guys,its just so nice to be able to talk about it to someone out of the situation.

kazwookie

Been there, done that, with exhubby's son....in the end I refused point blank to spend any of my time or money on him as he (the son) was taking the p**s, it took a while but ex hubby and his first exwife, finally agreed with me after about 6 months that the son was taking the p***s out of all of them, play peter off against paul so to speak to see what he could get out of each of us.............I put my foot down first.

Family pow wow was called, rules drawn up, and son was made to stick to them, took time but we got there in the end!!

onetomany

think its because parents give uncondtional love but sending you big hugs my 13 year boy kicks of 4 me but dosent for his dad he amits its because he nows his dad carnt handle it hope you get it sorted x

Alligg

Hi Kazwookie
How did you pursuade partners ex to get together,we have asked so many times for this as we know both sides are only getting D versions of events,she is refusing though and when it first happened and I asked her what she thought about it she said D does the same at home so she just picks the stuff up and puts it in the bin for her,because she isnt giving her any rules or guidelines she thinks she can get away with it with us.partner has admitted she is spoilt but her mum just doesnt want to deal with her so lets her do as she pleases.ex walked away from me last time I tried to talk to her so D did the same thing,I was gobsmacked,partner was livid but as D doesnt live with us he doesnt get a say in how she is brought up at home.

DVardysShadow

Alligg wrote: »

Hi All
... D also told me something that weekend that she hadnt told her mum or dad,she'd been to a local nightclub that ran an under 18 disco after her mum had said no she was planning on going again,I didnt feel comfortable about this so spoke to partner and her mum,I was worried if anything happened and they didnt know where she was and I did.anyway D refused to come and stay anymore

You fell right into that one. She was testing you to see what the relationship was. Your choices were to be:

• Her mate - if you kept the confidence
• Another parent - if you dealt with her over this matter yourself
• Neither of the above - if you snitched

You chose to snitch, which was the worst option, and now you have lost her respect.

I have put this quite bluntly, not so much because I want to hit you with it but because I feel that this is how she sees it. I think you can view a lot of what she is doing as being in the same vein of testing the relationship.

On the whole, she might have preferred some gentle parenting [setting boundaries] over you being her mate - and either over you snitching. But form her point of view she now knows where she stands with you - at the cost of some options being ruled out in the relationship.

From the way you have written your post, you must be quite consumed by it. You have to stand back from this in some way, keep some distance and let her pitch the relationship. Buying her knickers is probably out too, now, because it puts you in the parent role, which I don't think she will take.

But hey, what do I know?

Savvy_Sue

I think DVS's post hits the nail on the head.

The approach I took with one of my son's friends was that he needed to tell his mum something - the situation wasn't quite the same, but something had happened when he was out with my son. I rang her after he'd had plenty of time to do this, and found he hadn't told her. Well, he'd had his chance!

I think you will struggle to relax with her, but it may come back in time, BUT 'the rules' have to be set by her dad, not you. However it is perfectly reasonable to expect her to live by your rules in your house, even if she doesn't think so. But again, 'the rules' need to be set out by her dad, not you, and her dad has to deal with any lapses.

Try to take comfort from the fact that no-one gets an easy life from a teen, especially when it's not your own ...