Help! In-laws from hell

Miss_Polly

I have been with my bf for 3yrs we both own our flats. We both work and over year ago we began saving towards a deposit so that we could buy a house together without having to sell either of the flats. We were getting on really well until his parents decided to send his teenage brother over from Africa to study. His mother and brother moved into his flat a last autumn(brother doing accountancy course will take atleast 3yrs and mother doesn't work), they don't make any financial contribution and bf has used virtually all of his saving subsidising them, he now lives on his overdraft. Mother is proposing to return to Africa leaving youngest son to complete accountancy course.

Mother has been stand-offish towards me from day one I originally thought it was because I'm not African but now I think it's because my relationship with her son is at odds with her plan to absolve herself of the parental responsibilities towards her youngest son who is still a teenager.

I'm really angry about the whole situation as we are both in our late thirties and the financial responsibility of having to support his younger brother means that we will not be able to buy a house in the foreseeable future.(And the financial burden means plans to get married and have children will also have to wait.) I'm really angry because although his parents live in Africa they are reasonably well-off , they have a nice house with maids, Land Rover, regular holidays etc.

Briefly toyed with the idea of renting my flat out a moving in with him so we could save more money but really glad I didn't because his mother is a real nightmare, she bosses him around and has even rearranged his cupboards so he has to keep asking her where things are in his own flat! I know we could sell both flats, pool the resources and then buy a house but that wasn't part of our original plan and I don't see why we should give up two perfectly good properties that could be kept as investments to secure our financial future just so that his parents can go off and enjoy their retirement without maintaining their financial responsibility to their youngest child.

Am I being unreasonable? I need to help and advice.

jenniferpa

It sounds as if you have here a culture clash. Not necessarily culture as in national origins, but family culture. I think you need to look carefully at your BF's role in all this. You may have plans, but it sounds as if he'll go along with whoever is physically closest to him at any given time. I don't think, if you're in your late thrirties, it's unreasonable that you should wish to get on with your plans for a family. However, that doesn't make a blind bit of difference to this situation. If your BF won't stand up to his mother then nothing you do or say will change the situation. From the outside, looking in, and from what you say, either you have to stiffen your BF's backbone, or the relationship is one where you'll always play second fiddle to his blood relations. It's not a situation I would wish my own daughter to be in. If you really want to continue in this relationship, you're going to have to come to terms with this, and honestly, I don't think I could do.

What is your BF saying about all this? Is he aware just how much you resent this? I'm not even sure that it's necessarily all about the money, but that is a convenient issue on which to take your stand. You need to search inside yourself and decide which are the important issues here.

Jennifer

Sharra

I agree with the above post.
One thing that springs to mind is whether he could come and move in with you, at least then you would be together and be able to strengthen your relationship without having to deal every day with the MIL.

melt71

This may be a stupid question but have you tried talking to him in depth about this? If so, what was his response? If he becomes defensive or dismissive about the situation - you have a major problem! I agree with the other posts in that you will always play second fiddle to the mother.

Therefore my advice would be to talk things through with him (calmly and try not to have an accusing tone in your voice) and see what he comes up with. If after chatting to him about your future/the brother and the situation with his mother you feel that he is not taking your feelings and your needs seriously you need to make it absolutely clear that you will not tolerate being second best. You could also point out to him the very obvious fact that he is being used, but tred carefully when pointing out faults in a family member because it's not always something that people want to hear - even from their partner.

Good luck.

Miss_Polly

Thanks for the advice. You're right Jenniferpa it is about more than just the money. I am beginning to wonder what sort of future I will have with a man who will allow his family to disrupt our plans at the drop of a hat but I really belive he is 'the one'. (But I must admit that him giving up £680 a month from 2 lodgers so his familly could live with him rent free is also a big issue as it has had a major impact on our plan as I am the only one who can save at the moment.)

I never considered asking him to move into my flat, at the moment he stays over aboout 3-4 days a week and his mum nags that he doesn't spend enough time at home. Also when he stays over she calls his mobile every minute for whatever reason. He is aware of my feelings and just keeps saying that we have to be patient. His mum is leaving in a couple of weeks and he has asked me to move in with him when she goes - I understand she isn't very happy and they ened up 'having words' about it about but she has been a bit warmer towards me since they argued. We could all live in my (2 bed) flat and rent out his 3 bed but his brother is very neglectful and untidy, he has a bad attitude and does nothing around the house. I know tenants may also damage my property when I leave but at least I won't have to watch them do it whilst knowing I'm helping to support them!

Bf is under impression that younger brother will get a part time job to help support himself and start doing more to help around the house - I doubt it as he isn't looking for a job and all his need are being met (by other siblings over here who occasionally top up his mobile and take him out).

mamamia

I also agree with post #2. If your relationship with bf is long term, then you really need to understand his culture and people. It is said that when you marry an african man you must also marry his family. If you have friends who are africans or married to africans, ask them their experiences with their in-laws and how they cope.

TBH relationship btw 2 people from different culture (or background) is not easy but with love and understanding it can be done.

Best wishes