Do any of you have any experience of....

Chrismojam

moving from one end of the country to the other with partner and kids...?

How did you deal with it.....planning wise and financially?

I only ask as my brother is planning on moving from 'down south' back 'up north', basically finding cost of living etc too much (that and has debts - don't know how much); only him working, well I think she does a couple of hours a week doing something but that probably doesn't pay for her ciggies....

I think he sees this as some 'quick' fix and that they'll have more money to live on...not quite sure how he works this out as he will end up with a reduced salary, and still paying ridiculous rent as I doub't he'll get anywhere off the council or housing association anythime soon.

Also, personally I think its not fair on the kids (oldest is in his options year at school). I think they should get help paying their debts off and learn to manage better.......don't get me wrong.......I know it's difficult.....but they are the type of people who will complain about never having any money and always being in debt whilst going through 60 odd ciggies a day and drinking, and it seems running 2 cars? Well, the wife can't drive, and you can only drive one car at a time - why have 2?

I'm asking all this really because I've been put in something of an awkward position. Said brother (who I've only just got back on speaking terms with (albeit a bit shakey) after 4/5 years (long story), has asked if he can stay with me 'until he gets himself sorted..' :eek:

Now apart from the fact that my house is like a building site and needs alsorts doing to it, and I don't physically have anywhere for him to sleep (no spare bed), both me and other half have concerns of our own about our jobs at present etc, add to that the already shakey relationship....

That and I'm pretty antisocial What can I say, I like my space to be my space........I'm relieved when people have gone home after staying a night or two.....this 'until i get sorted' business sounds like how long is a piece of string to me....

Now I know my answer is going to have to be no..........but how bloody awkward is this?

tesuhoha

ive got a brother like that and i tell you the last thing i would do is have him stay with me. my brother hasnt worked for about 25 years and his wife has bipolar depression and is on long term sickness benefit and his son suffers from depression too and has been made bankrupt. my brother sold his house to pay off his debts and now lives in rented accomodation. He is lazy and selfish and they have both let themself go. i have tried to persuade him to get a job many times but he always says that he couldnt work in a 9-5 job, it would destroy him. It doesnt work having your family living with you unless you are really close and you have a lot of room. It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me and your partner will probably have something to say about it. You will probably both find it extemely irritating and stressful. You have to say no because otherwise it will damage your family life and that has to come first. Once he moves in with you, your brother will probably stay because it will not be easy for him to move out and find somewhere else. I dont know what you can say to him to placate him, maybe explain how you feel, but I think you are right the answer has to be no.

tesuhoha

I suppose i sound hard and unsympathetic butg i think youve got to think of yourself first.

piglet6

Harsh and unsympathetic, maybe, tesuhoha, but I think you are right - its a big commitment to take on the problems of others, particularly if your own life isn't in a state of "perfection" (and lets face it, how many of us have a "perfect" life with no hiccups?!?!).

I'm afraid I agree, Chrismojam...however sympathetic you may be towards your brother and his family, you have to put yourself and your own family needs first - yes, its awkward, and difficult, and not going to be easy to say "no" - but if your relationship with your brother is only just back on speaking terms (and still a little shakey) its not going to be improved by close contact for an indefinite amount of time, particularly given the additional "problem areas" you mention (wife smoking and not working "enough", kids going through stressful exam periods, etc). You have had your lightbulb moment, and are dealing with it - it sounds like your brother's family are yet to have their lightbulb moment...and I don't think it will be good for you and your family to have to offer them this level of support while your two families are on two such different wavelengths re: lifestyle...

You have my sympathy for this situation, but stay strong and find it in yourself to say no to this - you owe it to yourself and your own family to put your own needs first on this occasion...a difficult one and not one I envy you. Be strong - keep posting here and taking strength from others in the same position, and be strong enough to say "no" to your brother on this occasion. While it may lead to a rocky patch between you initially, I think it will avoid much worse damage to your relationship in the long term...

Good Luck!

Piglet

tesuhoha

i have actually fallen out with my brother because of his wife, and because I put my own family's well being and safety first. Now we dont really speak and there is a lot of hostile feeling between us. In spite of this I have to say that I dont regret my actions and i would do the same tomorrow.

WelshWoofer

Don't let them (or just him) move in. IF you weren't good enough for him and his family before they are just taking advantage of you and maybe emotionally blackmailing you.
Your relationship is more important - your partner will still be there when they've sorted themselves out and they probably won't contact you from one month to the next.
I understand about the antisocial thing - I have lots of friends and family but absolutely hate it when they stay with (unaviodable at Xmas and for the odd weekend but I'm always happy to see them go again). I love them but my house is my little haven from the world and my family (partner and dog) are my little gang - I don't like disruption. Makes me sound really nasty but I'm not - I'm generous, happy to help people and love being out with friends etc or on the phone for hours listening to the latest dramas.
I just want you to know you're not the only one that feels that way and it's not a bad thing. Privacy and time out is important to your sanity too!!!
Good luck
R

lynzpower

Does depend on where they are moving from and to in fairness, and what thier prospects for employment are. Im from Stockport/Manchester and OHs from Poole/Bournemouth. Ive looked at the figures over the years before OH, and later as we are wanting kids etc dont want to raise them here in London, but the figures just do not stack up. Rents in manchester are generally not much different to London now, Poole the same. salaries in poole particularly remain a complete joke in comparison to what the cost of rent/mortgage would be, plus we'd have to run at least one car if not two and that will rince us a further 250 a month going off other peoples SOAs, not including finance.

In any event, just say you cant have them with you. When I bought my flat it was 7 months of hell, tell them you cant handle it. If thier calculations stack up they at least have to factor in the cost of renting somewhere in the interim in any case. If you do have space, charge them the going rate for renting around your way for it a) might bring in some needed finance for you b) will ensure this is not a permanent, or even medium term plan.

Something here tells me they want to crash with you to save themselves some money. 2 options as far as IM concerned, 1) tell them no b) make some money out of it. Character building for them whatever you decide

Lynz
x

nearlyrich

I think a lot of people think if they move up north they will solve all their problems, if the are renting in the south they will pay a similar amount up here, house prices in the local area are similar to Basingstoke, Aylesbury etc.

I shop at Tesco and I often call in one in Weybridge which is one of the most expensive parts of the country, the prices are exactly the same as the local stores.

Car tax, petrol, gas, electricity etc costs the same wherever you live, the only thing I have noticed to be really more expensive is eating out and takeaways (and I can find more expensive one's up here).

I agree that wages are usually lower in the North so they may be getting out of the frying pan into the fire.

Emmzi

I would be ever so helpful and send them the local paper properties to let section, the flatshare web site address, and the tourist board list of b&bs, along with your firm statement that he can't stay.

My OH would be very sweet and let me say it was *him* that didn't want guests - always a white lie, as he's very easy going. Could yours cope with being the 'bad' cop for the sake of family peace?

sammy115

I think you have to say (and I am speaking from experience of falling out and making up with siblings) that for the sake of your future relationship the answer is no. Hopefully they will understand.

I don't think moving from one end of the country is going to help. Not by the sound of the spending. I am still trying to get my head round 2 cars, 1 driver! You can't run away from your problems, can you.

sorry I can't be of any more help
Sam

Tondella

It'll be hard to tell him no, but not as hard as having to ask him and his family to leave when it turns into the disaster that you know it will. At least things have a chance of staying amicable at the moment, and it's not like you're living in a mansion from the sound of it, use any of the many reasons you gave us in your first posting to explain why he can't stay. Good luck with it.