DH - head and sand....

rkh001

I wonder if anyone has the same problem as me. DH and I do not seem to be able to talk about money. I like to know what is what and he does't. My personal cc debt is at 11k and o/d of £1800. His are around £45k but every time I bring the up the subject of "where are we with money" he gets annoyed and starts saying that I am looking at the bleak side of things and that I depress him by talking about money.

My arguement is that no matter how bad things are, if we know where we are, then it makes it easier to do something about it. Burying our heads in sand does not constitute a resolution!

Am I the only one who has that problem?

rkh001

fizzel81

not at all me and dh cannot talk about money with out an arguement we owe just under 29k between us and have sorted paypaln so we are on the way as such

I think money or lack of it can be a big problem in most relationships

rchddap1

Many here will talk of a lightbulb moment. What they mean is they wake up one day and think "crikey I've got to do everything I can to clear my debts". A part of that is knowing where you are with your money (ie, how much you have, and how much you have to spend on various bills and other things).

Your partner needs to have his lightbulb moment before he will look at things seriously.

Bunnie1982

For a long time my fiance buried his head in the sand in regards to his money situation, and I have nagged him since last September when he was made redundant to contact CCCS, but because he started doing temporary work he put it off.

Then in January this year the temporary work run dry, he got himself into a bit of a muddle with his finances and finally bit the bullet and phoned CCCS.

My fiance used to get very depressed about money, he also used to panic everyday about what post was at home and was too scared to answer the phone in case it was someone chasing money. Now he has taken charge of his finances he seems to have gained more confidence

Emmzi

Have a read down some of the old threads here... problems with DH and DW very common - especially when they splurge their way right through your carefully planned budget!

Problem is, you can't MAKE someone agree with you (nice as mind control would be sometimes)

I would think more about how you can protect your (joint) financial situation as much as you can until he wakes up. By all accounts it may be some time... but DO feel free to leave your budget planners lying around, loan totals on the fridge door, etc... gently and persistently raising awareness...

jesster_2

rkh001 wrote:

His are around £45k but every time I bring the up the subject of "where are we with money" he gets annoyed and starts saying that I am looking at the bleak side of things
rkh001

Not meaning to sound flippant, but have you asked him to point out the non-bleak, rosy side of 45k debts?

rkh001

The thing is that we have separate bank accounts and therefore the only joint debt is the mortgage and the associated unsecured loan. But I feel that if he spoke to me, then when I have spare cash, I can help him but I can't do that if he doesn't talk about money.
I am trying to pay mine off by moving to LOB card (have already done 0% twice) so that I can see it going down. And I keep a spreadsheet of my expenses updated on a dsily basis.
He has just started a new job and so I am hoping that he will approach CCCS to get help to pay them off.
Just very frustrating...

Emmzi

He may be deeply embarrassed at having got himself into a mess, and male pride (sorry guys, but you do know it's there, don't you?) is preventing him from talking about it.

How about asking him for help with YOUR side of things (even though you sound like you have got it covered) and telling him he doesn't have to talk about his - and seeing if that helps him open up any? It may be easier for him to give help than to take help in the first instance.

rkh001

jesster - we all, on DFW board, know that there is no rosy side to ANY debt. Try getting DH to see that!
Like many of you have said, he needs to have a lightbulb moment and until then, I can hang around and wait for that to happen. And happen it will at some point.
Thanks for your support everyone.

jesster_2

I think Emmzi might well have a point. A lot of men seem to have this reaction, and I wouldn't be surprised if it's part-shame, part-pride shrouded in bluster.

I've spoken to lots of people in various stages of debt for some research, and two of the things I've noticed would back this up. Many more women than men have been happy to talk about their debts and how they've found help. And among the men who do talk about it, they all reported feeling very sore at the slight on their pride and ability to provide, for themselves or their family. Some more than others, but it was definitely a factor among more men than women.

Obviously this isn't the case for all men, and it's not meant as a slight on men in any way, I just thought it was quite interesting.

Donedoingdebt

Emmzi wrote:

He may be deeply embarrassed at having got himself into a mess, and male pride (sorry guys, but you do know it's there, don't you?) is preventing him from talking about it.

How about asking him for help with YOUR side of things (even though you sound like you have got it covered) and telling him he doesn't have to talk about his - and seeing if that helps him open up any? It may be easier for him to give help than to take help in the first instance.

Emmzi, how could you? Male pride indeed! Seriously though it could be that he's well aware that he owes a frightening amount & he just doesn't want to face up to it yet. It's funny how owing say £40000 without being in control of it is very scary but owing the same amount when you've sorted out a definite plan of payment & feel in control, whilst not great, is a lot better. I never thought I'd look forward to my MBNA bill everymonth, but now as I see it coming down every month I can almost smile.