Am I going crazy???

loobyloo0302

Hi all

Really could do with a bit of advice. I'm having real big problems with my partner at the moment and just have no idea how to get out of this hole I'm in.

I have two children with my partner and another one on the way (6 months gone). Things have been rocky with us for a while. Whilst I was pregnant with our first child, he was physically violent towards me and mentally also, which included the obvious lines of me just being fat and ugly and how he regretted that he was no longer with his wife and two children. I began experiencing panic attacks for the very first time and hated my life. I was in and out of the house that we privately rented, staying at my mums and sleeping in my car after I finished my night shifts. Arguements would stem from anything, we worked together, so he would be flirting with women in my face and I would be told things by other collegues (he was my boss) but whenever I said anything about it, he would just tell me to leave the house if I didn';t like it. Just thinking about it now, I have NO idea why I stayed after everything he did to me
So anyway, our son was born, and he used this as the opportunity to make out that I couldn't cope and that I was depressed - the only person getting me down was him!! He even told his family that our son was getting me down so I had his sister on the phone trying to tell me that it was ok to feel low after giving birth which frustrated me more than anything as I knew who was the problem! This all subsided, however, as he soon realised that his comments were beginning to just wash over me.

I found myself pregnant again with our daughter a few months latr (before anyone judges, I'm sure you'll understand the way in which manipulative people work) I was happy, and soon enough we were offered a larger house by our landlord in an amazing location and we took it up. Through my daughters pregnancy, there was no physical violence, only mental (the fat and ugly line again) and I don't know what happened, but something just sort of clicked in my head and I thought - I do NOT have to take this. So my response back to the comments were along the lines of "I'm pregnant, what's your excuse" and "I can change that in a few months time" etc. I suddenly began feeling like I'd taken hold of my life and could control what was going on with regards to me and my son without taking criticism. The bond with me and my son just kept growing and I felt like everything made sense. Our daughter was born and he tried to do the "baby blues" thing with me again but I turned it around, it didn't work and he just gave up.

Cue me becoming pregnant a third time.. this time, its worse than violence or mental abuse (I still get the mental abuse but well, 3 babies later, I'm bound to have put on weight, I'm only human) It all started when we got the internet back since moving house. He started using facebook constantly and would go and sit at his mums house just to use it. Now, I thought nothing of it, I mean what harm can a social networking site do? How wrong was I! It turns out he's using it to woo women. He's put messages on there telling a particular women that he can't get through the nights without her, tells them he loves them, even sits texting them on his phone if a message gets missed on chat. The minuted I leave the house, he's on the computer. His mobile is now full of womens mobile numbers and message inbox full to the brim with messages from women he speaks to on facebook saying they miss him etc. He's also had messages in his drafts that he attempted to send but didn't go including one saying "I would love a cuddle but there are too many people about". I also found a picture of his manhood on his mobile. When I use the internet, I do so on my laptop. I soon discovered msn chat logs on here of explicit conversations that he has had with women online - most of which he is doing whilst he's sat at work.

Now the problem lies here. He makes out that I've done something wrong when I point out to him that I know what he is up to. He has told me to leave the house with our children as this house is his (when we moved, the landlord would only put his name on the tenancy agreement, even though we both work) I asked him why he could not leave as I would get assistance with household costs, but he insists that this is not the case and that he is not going anywhere. (In not such pleasant terms) I haven't got a leg to stand on really. My mum has told me to dig my heels in until my youngest is a few months older and then she will take us in but I really feel like I can't take this humiliation for much longer. I told him that if he wants to act like a single man then he can do it as a single man, so then he just tells me that he wants us out the next morning. I was tempted to go to the council to see where I stand there, but someone told me that unless my partner provides me with a letter saying that he is evicting me (as technically, regardless of the fact that I pay ALL of the bills and the council tax, I'm still only his lodger) then I would just end up on a long list like everyone else - I'm sure she said something to do with me already having accomodation???

I really don't know what to do, or where to go and its increasingly getting to me... I don't know whter its just me being hormonal and emotional or whether he is doing wrong... he prefers facebook to his kids and has been missing for the last 3 days, invited us to go with him but disappeared before we even got out of bed. He called once yesterday and thats it... what's wrong with me!!! What do I do???

merlin68

You need to get out and now. Go to a womens refuge. I have been in this situation myself and it will only get worse.
http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/index.php
Your husband sounds exactly like my ex and the girls on these forums are fantastic at helping.
What his doing is gaslighting you.
Hope this helps.

ella_ella_ella

Didnt want to read and run... have a big hug :grouphug:

scruffy96uk

Hey hun sorry I couldn't just read and run. I can't give you advice but will give you a big(((((((hug)))))) instead.

take care and I'm sure there will be others along to help you soon

loobyloo0302

Hi, thanks for the quick reply. I don't really need to go to a refuge as my mum will take us in but this would only be temporary and then I wouldn't know what to do from there. I just can't find it in me to admit to my mum that I have all these problems - she thinks she knows but she doesn't know the half of it. Who wants to make their parents see them as a disappointment?? It would be all the more difficult for her to take as I moved in with my partner a matter of weeks after my dad passed away as he just became the one I depended on. I was torn. She told me not to do it, but I just went ahead with it all - he literally changed the minute we got our keys

I think the only thing I've done right (apart from our kids obviously) was to NOT accept his many marriage proposals..

Bettyboop

Sorry to read you are going through an absolutely rubbish time and while pregnant too! Please think of yourself, your unborn child and your other children. I know it's easier said than done and I don't want to say leave but from what you are saying why else would you stay? He has no respect for you or for the fact that you are pregnant. He has been violent to you and no one absolutely no one has the right whatsoever to hurt another human being in anyway!!! I cannot stress that enough. You have already realised that how you are feeling has been caused by your scumbag of a partner (sorry for that term). What age are your children? I know I said I didn't want to mention the leaving thing BUT what about a separation? for a little while so you can get yourself and kids sorted out. As you are working you will get government assistance so don't worry about that (again easier said than done). Look in simple terms this man doesn't care about his actions... flirting with other women etc... and in front of you. What a CHEEK! :mad: even so you cannot trust him and you only know what you have read and seen him do that in no way reflects what he is capable of behind your back! Thinking of you!

Js_Other_Half

There are a number of people here who will be able to help. Until some of them come along, here's some sites to look through.

http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/links.php


http://www.refuge.org.uk/


www.womensaid.org.uk

mouseymousey99

Ok well setting aside the matter of the tos*er and concentrating on you and the children.
Here's what I'd do..(I made mistakes and left when I could have stayed and got an injunction)..so I know a little of what you are going through).
Make an appointment first thing tomorrow for some legal help (I think you get 30 mins with a solicitor for free). If it goes over the hour it'll still be money spent well. If you must bung it on a credit card - but get some good advice.

I know Citizens advice are free etc but you need advice urgently - can also ring Shelter as they will know the exact positon.
No one is going to throw you (and the children) onto the street. Can you contact the landlord yourself?
I'd be changing the locks too - but have to say, speak to someone first before you do it.
Can your Mum come to stay with you for a while? You are sounding ok but you need help now. You will get through this.
If tos*er rings up and wants his clothes ask if someone comes with him (if you get the advice I think you will, you will get an injuction and he only comes to get his clothes and rubbish when accompanied by the police).
Mxx

loobyloo0302

Our eldest is 2 in October and youngest is 1 in Novemeber - its all been so quick and I guess that now I'm feeling the wrath. Why am I crying over all of this.... omg,, how weak!! I get so upset when I look at my children, they so don't deserve all of this, they've no idea that their dad just doesn't care and I make up for it by spoiling them.. rod for my own back.

Edit: Thank you all so much for your comments and so quickly. I've tired myself out thinking through all this and it going round in my head, so am going to retire to bed. I am so grateful for your help and support and will read up properly tomorrow. Again, thanks all so much!! xx

mouseymousey99

Meant to say - also need to ring bank if you have joint accounts etc - solicitor will advise about this too. & you are going to be ok!

Mx

Bettyboop

loobyloo0302 wrote: »

Our eldest is 2 in October and youngest is 1 in Novemeber - its all been so quick and I guess that now I'm feeling the wrath. Why am I crying over all of this.... omg,, how weak!! I get so upset when I look at my children, they so don't deserve all of this, they've no idea that their dad just doesn't care and I make up for it by spoiling them.. rod for my own back.

Shame they are so little. We all love spoiling our kids for various reasons. If it is possible and you could go to your moms why not? Before they are older and realise what is going on I would start preparing for it. Children can be mentally affected when a household is unhappy and full of constant arguing if you know what I mean. You don't want them to walk in one day to find dad hitting you :mad:! It's had an impact on you but what about them? You can do it loobylou. Not long before you have baby no 3, but it's also not impossible to make a go of things for you and the little ones. Of course it's going to take very long time getting used to things but you won't be being battered and if you are close to your mum could she help you out with the kids etc. It's important that you are not alone in all this. x