Has anyone else not told their partner about their debt and got through it?

worried_3

Just wondered if anyone has not told their partner and managed to keep it a secret. I can't tell my husband - today he found out his brother is in debt and he has gone on and on about it saying how stupid he is and it is only his fault. I know I will get the same answer and probably worse!!!

dottyanne

worried wrote:

Just wondered if anyone has not told their partner and managed to keep it a secret. I can't tell my husband - today he found out his brother is in debt and he has gone on and on about it saying how stupid he is and it is only his fault. I know I will get the same answer and probably worse!!!

Hi, I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. I too faced this problem not so many weeks ago, i know everyones circumstances are different, but in my case my OH knew we were in debt and roughly who to and rough amounts etc. but left me to do all the finances (home and business) as were self-employed and to cut a long story short, we didnt really change our spending habits to match our reduced incomes. So now were in debt for both personal and business. It hasnt got too out of hand altough i have been really struggling just to get up to date with payments that have fallen into arrears nevermind pay any of the actual debt off.

Anyway I printed my SOA out and handed it to my OH and left the room - ive never been so terrified of his reaction in my whole life - he was fine!! i got upset and he made me feel better - i felt such a failure etc.. since then although im still left to do the finances - we have agreed that we will sit down and chat about where were up to on a regular basis. I have prepared a budget using martins budget planner, and have worked out that once were up to date then we can live ok within this and have a little left to snowball with each month.

Its really hard to tell your OH - i made myself ill worying about it - even to the stage of anti-depressants. but im so glad i did tell him - a problem shared is a problem halved so they say and you will always get supprt on here too!

PM me if you need a private chat, however i will try to support you any way i can. Good luck

dotty anne :grouphug:

keith_lard

Being in Debt the once any normal person would understand!

I have never asked my OH for money just understanding!

I have promised never to do this again, and I wont!

You can go through life make no mistakes and 'still lose'

Make actions to get yourself a Debt Free Date and work hard to make it come sooner and if you OH has anything for you they should understand and support you!

Good Luck!

Regards

K.

Lucifer

I still haven't told my hubby, we have separate accounts and although he knows I owe money - he has no idea how much. I have completely cut back on my spending and with groceries etc. He hasn't noticed any change in the quality of food I serve (even though I am spending £150 pm less!!). I am slowly chipping away at my debts, I am no longer spending beyond my means and am determined to clear my debts alone. I may be wrong, but I adore him and know that it would really upset him!!

worried_3

That is exactly how I feel plus things haven't been great lately so this could be the final straw. I don't think I could live with him thinking badly of me (if you see what I mean).

Thanks again for everyone who has replied

LookingAhead

Actually...do you want to tell him is the first question I have...?

Don't feel you have to be rushed into revealing anything yet. You just need to get a handle on things and a plan/budgets etc.

BertieMeldrew

dottyanne wrote:

... but left me to do all the finances (home and business) as were self-employed and ...

...handed it to my OH and left the room - ive never been so terrified of his reaction in my whole life - he was fine!!

Good for you

I have to say that if your OH "leaves you to do the finances" then he has to share all responsibility if it doesn't work out! Am glad he evidently did.

"Abdication of responsibility also forfeits any right to recrimination"... BertieMeldrew April 2005

worried_3

I don't want to tell him anything, maybe when its sorted............

LookingAhead

OK...if you don't want to tell him then no-one can force you to.


If you have a plan and you are chipping away then that's good. Have you/are you by the way..?

But, got to ask...is the house is danger or anything like that? Mortgage/rent is being paid ok?

I'm sorry - I don't know if you have posted an SOA (Statement of Affairs) but if you have I haven't seen it personally.

Sometimes if we (as a collective!) can see what sort of debt you are in, we can help point out areas to make savings on.

worried_3

I posted it a few weeks ago, but here it is again.

Monthly Incomings:

My salary - £411
Benefits - £68

Total - £479

Monthly Outgoings:

Pay £250 towards mortgage, bills and food
£120 per month car (scheme which can't get out of cos its connected to husbands job)
£5 mobile payg

Total £375
Debt

Barclay loan start balance £15000 over 84 months started June 2003 now owe £10131. £239 per month (don't know APR)
Barclay loan start balance £13000 over 84 months started August 2004 now owe £10614. £201 per month (don't know APR)
Cahoot flexible loan owe £9000 started Jan 03 £166 per month APR 8.5%
Capital One credit card £5800 @ £180 per month not sure of APR

Monthly total £786

LookingAhead

OK I found your original thread...I went on a little hunt

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=171531&page=1&pp=10


Well, I guess that thread did give you some practical advice. Maybe you are on here tonight for some reassurance that you are not the only one...and indeed you are not my dear!

My immediate concern for you is how are you making up your shortfall?
Also, you do need to get your APR's sorted out (can you find your original agreements...they will be on there) because you need to tackle the highest APR first.

I don't know if you did go and see the Citizens Advice Bureau or not..? I can't answer your questions about people hassling you etc if you are on a DMP as I have not been on one...however someone else who reads this thread may give you some info.

I am a bit confused why you are paying towards a car linked to your husbands job though That is a big chunk that would help repay debts (Sorry if I'm stating the obvious!).

Also, on a personal note, some people very close to me are horribly in debt as well as having been at each others throats (sometimes literally!) for years. They have not split up because of it. She was really furious at first (and sometimes still is but that's because he keeps on spending and he should know better) but she just wants it cleared and wants to work through it. She has lost all respect for her OH because he has not learned from his mistakes at all and I do mean AT ALL and still spends money like it is going out of fashion. If he just knuckled down she would be a lot happier and sadly because of her age and health, she can't work anymore to bring in extra cash!

I guess what I am saying is, sometimes you think reactions are going to be a hell of a lot worse than they really are. I echo what someone else said in the original thread.....I suspect your hubby suspects some debt too.....

But anyway, it's always going to be your decision but you can't carry this burden on your own forever...well you can but it may not have great effects on your well being honey.