Just been shown the (barely) post-discharge door by Yorkshire Bank...

FinancesOfAFiveYearOld

OK, so I'm greener than a novice nun being shown the convent's papal hospitality suite but, being imminently self-employed and wanting to get the spheres rolling I thought I'd nip along to one of the few banks I didn't mortally wound during the collapse of my previous empire. Tis been a week and a day since Her Majesty's very well tended and neatly coded website rolled around to say "Discharged".

Halfway through a sixty mile round trip from my rural retreat I had Nutcracker McGobkick, my Chauffeur-Handyman, stop the Bentley on the pavement outside one of the most southerly branches of Thy Bank de Yorkshire, Lad. Rapping on the door with my cane I announced that I was in the mood to celebrate my discharge with an application for a "Readycash" account.

To cut a very long story short I was invited in for tea, conversed about social detail such as addresses and dates of birth for half an hour or so and then the man grovelling on the industrial nylon shag-pile in front of me said that he just had to run a quick bankruptcy search, M'Lud and that he would be back before the garibaldi biscuits got soggy. He came back in the room, didn't even bother to sit down again, held the door open and said that "the credit agencies" said I was still bankrupt and if I supplied them with proof of my discharge he'd "see what he could do, 'eh?" but indicated that in the meantime, well, sniff sniff...

That was that. I was back on the pavement sitting in a cloud of dusty tweed backside and bemusement and he was slapping his hands and wandering inside as though he'd just shown a stray dawg to the door.

I foolishly assumed that insolvency.gov.uk whatever showing me as "human again" and "discharged on dd.mm.yyyy" would be enough on that score. The "the credit agencies" are never going to love me again and I would imagine will still be cursing my progeny for many generations to come. If I ever develop a taste for raw horse's head I'll be able to eat breakfast in bed most days until some shot from the bushes or cheese-cutter wire from the shadows finds me.

I've written to the receiver chap for a letter confirming my discharge but I'm still trying to pry loose a letter from the Job-Snuffler's Ministry to confirm my current pauper-on-benefits status so that I can wriggle out of paying a full week's JSA over for a kosher certificate from the court (call me foolish but I'd rather spend it on food and essentials). If that ever arrives I can get the proof to the bank to get the account to tell the JSA bods about to get the self-employment startup monies (fifty nicker a week - fourteen a week less than JSA) to get into self-employment so that I can get off benefits and pay some money into the account that I can't open because i can't spend a full week's benefits on a certificate etc... and full circle.

Anyone know if these "the credit agencies" update themselves regarding discharge or whether I have to rattle the Data Protection Act at them or something? It's just so grape-crushingly annoying that when it's bad they seem to know every detail of your life but when it's bordering on the good, like discharge, they know nothin'. Is there anything clever and technical I can have Jeeves log onto the electric computing device and do to jog things along? I couldn't give a chufflet about cleaning up the other aspects of my record, just the discharged bit so that I have a cat in non-heaven's chance of opening a basic bank on account...

nervousmother

Have you tried the co-op or barclays? they offer basic accounts to bankrupts never mind discharged ones.. even get a debit card too!

fiveyearplan

I did my credit reference file clean up about 6 weeks after discharge and I can't remember if it said discharged or just date of bankruptcy. Why don't you print off your page from the IIR site - be sure to do so soon because you will fall off of their exactly 3 months from discharge. Other than that - go to another bank (better still a BR friendly bank). Any particular reason you need to have a new account?

FinancesOfAFiveYearOld

How do, chaps!

I need a "new" account because I don't have one at all ... and I have refrained from going to Messrs Co-op & Barclays because I financially offended both of them in the course of the unpleasantness... I can't imagine that they would welcome me, surely?

The page from the insolvency site won't print - I get only the headers and footers and a blank in the middle!

It's all dashed unfriendly!

headoutofsand

Hi FinancesOfAFiveYearOld.

Nice banks aint they?. I am interested in the bit about SE start up allowance or whatever on JSA. It is my intention to rebuild my lost empire in the near future. Perhaps you could enlighten me. My new biz will be cash only so hopefuly I won't have to deal with banks for a while I am not discharged as yet

FinancesOfAFiveYearOld

Hi Head, if I may be so bold.

It's a recent Giverment innovation and called "self employment credits". Fifty knicker a week for up to sixteen weeks, at the discretion of something in tweed twin-set and pearls at the JSA Centre and to be paid into, for some reason, a commercial "proper" bank account only (as opposed to my Tuxedo account or whatever). You need to be able to prove that you are s/e 30+ hours a weeks (hah! imagine cutting my hours down to just 30... luxury!).

I had hoped to take advantage of my singleton status to avoid ever soiling my hands with financial institutions again but it seems it is not to be.

Add a www and a dot to direct.gov.uk/en/Employment/Jobseekers/LookingForWork/DG_173931 for info.

If no-one has any clever ideas I suppose I'll just have to bite the bullet and get the proof of discharge and grovel to the man and open the damned account and be a good little civilian. It's just annoying that "they" are so quick to condemn financially and so slow to update once the blood-letting and the whippings have stopped...

Will I really have to play the game again by "cleaning up" the agency's files for them? It's touch and go whether that's worth the fifty quid for sixteen weeks!

Round_The_Bend

FinancesOfAFiveYearOld wrote: »

I've written to the receiver chap for a letter confirming my discharge but I'm still trying to pry loose a letter from the Job-Snuffler's Ministry to confirm my current pauper-on-benefits status so that I can wriggle out of paying a full week's JSA over for a kosher certificate from the court (call me foolish but I'd rather spend it on food and essentials).

Can't believe that you're not gainfully employed as a comedy writer, especially given the current appalling level of British so called comedy. One of the funniest posts that I've read in a long time. After a long day at work, you certainly had me cracking up :rotfl::T:rotfl:

Top notch, thanks.

Miss_Poohs

Can only echo RTBs post above - a damn fine piece of writing there, made me laugh out loud, and I've been as miserable as sin all week.

:T:T:T

Round_The_Bend

FinancesOfAFiveYearOld wrote: »

I need a "new" account because I don't have one at all ... and I have refrained from going to Messrs Co-op & Barclays because I financially offended both of them in the course of the unpleasantness... I can't imagine that they would welcome me, surely?

I was so busy picking myself up off the floor, after cracking my ribs with laughter that I actually omitted to take note of your question. You're right about the Co-op surprisingly but even more surprisingly Barclays are reported to be sympathetic and have allowed a number of other posters to open accounts, despite their being outstanding creditors. It might be worth a shot.

Still can't believe that you're not working in comedy. Can't Martin give you a job as his scriptwriter or something?

copier_guy

one of the most eloquently phrased posts i have read!!

makes me wanna write better posts too!!!.

Oh and by the way your photo is in Barclays and Coop with the phrase

"do not give the person any biscuits"

FinancesOfAFiveYearOld

Hi RTB,

thanks for that, I will give Barclaws a go. Nowt to lose except my - actually, nowt to lose, full stop! I left my pride on the floor of the local post office the first day the Angel slash Manager in there waggled my Post Office card at me and shouted to the queue "There's nothing on there Dear - are you sure you're on benefits? Maybe you're not entitled."

If Messrs Yorkshire or Messrs Barclays won't play ball then I may resort to one of those pay-us-and-we'll-pretend-to-be-a-bank types discussed in other threads, just long enough to get my self-employment started and then it's back to the old three tea-pot system.

It's ex-bankruptcy problems such as this that make me wish I was a lady, then I could just fold the notes and tuck them down the old lady-chest underwear. It's yet another way men are discriminated against. I've had some less-than stellar reactions from shopkeeps when offering cash I had secreted for safe keeping in my tighty-whities. Apparently its not the same thing at all.

I suppose my next port of call has to be the shiny buckled shoes of the court office staff to get a certificate of financial cleanliness. Then back to the banks. Suck it up and JFDI!

Grrrr!