Starting again - 2nd family - advice pls

barksavingmad

I know it's hard for you to tell me what to do. But if anyone has any experience regarding my question I would really appreciate finding out what you did and how life is for you.

I'm 39, 40 in a few months. Two children 10 & 11. Divorced from their father, he presently enjoys having them every other weekend. I've been with my partner, 35 for 2 1/2 years. He doesn't have children but longs to be a dad.

First time round I took 9 years out to be a full time stay at home mum, had a slightly off the wall hobby which gave us some wonderful experiences that was better than working full time, but the pressure wasn't there of having to leave the children and get to work.

My children see him as a great addition to the family, great to have around and I think like the fact that he's there but not trying to act their dad, but a mature male figure in the house, to look up to and have fun with.

We're not well off, but we get by as we are now. I work 3 days a week and he works around 50 hours.

We have talked about whether to have a child together or not ever since we met, but up till now I was certain I didn't want to. Now heading towards 40 I'm starting to think what I really want and it's now or never. I've got the maternal urge you get when you're with someone you love and settling down together, nothing beats that amazing joy of children.

I would have to go back to work again, but could possibly try to get a year at home with the baby unpaid. I have a wonderful mum and sis who I know would be incredibly supportive and my man would be over the moon of course. I was sick day and night for both pregnancies for the full 9 months.

I'm older and wiser and know it's not all roses round the door, so in a way it's a much much bigger decision than it was when I was in my 20's.

We have also got a little more freedom just round the corner, as my two grow they don't need me as much, they are presently at their dads every other weekend and at the moment my mum has the children for a week once a year for us to go away as a couple. But probably, the joy of a new baby would completely take over all of the above.

Any thoughts or experiences anyone. I hope you don't mind me posting.

galvanizersbaby

Hello barksavingmad

I could potentially be in your situ (my children are a bit younger than yours though)

Just a few thoughts that are running through my own head (that's not to say they will be relevant to you) - when my children go to their dad's (we currently have shared care so they spend equal amounts of time with both of us and I feel it wouldn't be fair on them or dad to change this) and the new baby stays with us - how will my children cope/deal with this? - i.e. is it fair on them?

My age (I am 36 /partner 34) - I concieved last year but sadly ended in miscarriage - I am worried about fertility and how my age could effect having a healthy baby

How well would I cope with the nappies and sleepless nights again! (my two are 6 and 5 years so I'm out of the woods with them on that score)

These are a few of my concerns so not sure if helps you much but I too would like to hear from mser's that have been in similar situ had experience

peachyprice

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Just a few thoughts that are running through my own head (that's not to say they will be relevant to you) - when my children go to their dad's (we currently have shared care so they spend equal amounts of time with both of us and I feel it wouldn't be fair on them or dad to change this) and the new baby stays with us - how will my children cope/deal with this? - i.e. is it fair on them?

I have the same arrangement with my ex, when the boys were 6 I had another baby with my new husband and TBH it hasn't made any difference to the boys at all. When our DD was young they actually appreciated having a bolt hole from a screaming baby!

For us it all seems to even out. There are things the boys do with their dad that we just wouldn't, i.e camping, canoeing, while there are things I do with DD they have no interest in.

The boys know that they don't 'have' to go to their dad's no have never felt they were being pushed out because of their sister.

TBH, it's her that misses them more when they go,and can't wait for them to come home

HTH

Becles

I've got boys who are now 12 and 10 that I had with my ex, and a 2 year old daughter that I had with my second hubby. The boys have little contact with my ex, so they treat my husband as their Dad.

I managed fine going back to sleepless nights, nappies etc. I think I'm a better parent this time round, as I've got the experience from the other two and I'm more confident about things.

Like everything else, it's got it's ups and downs. The boys love their sister and they'll happily play with her and they help out. Some mornings she goes into the bathroom with one of them and they'll wash her and clean her teeth, or if I'm cooking they'll play with her so I can get on with the tea etc.

The main downside is when they want to do different things. My middle one asked if we can go and see the new Harry Potter film one day, but I will have to arrange for my Mam to have the little one as she wouldn't sit through a film. Likewise she likes soft play area's but the boys are too old for them now.

When I was expecting, we decorated the eldest's room as a sort of bed sit. It's got one of those high sleeper beds with a futon underneath, and a TV, DVD player and their PS2. It was supposed to be a baby free bolt hole for the boys to sit in especially when they have friends in. However the youngest normally ends up sitting in there with them as they invite her in :rolleyes::D

galvanizersbaby

peachyprice wrote: »

I have the same arrangement with my ex, when the boys were 6 I had another baby with my new husband and TBH it hasn't made any difference to the boys at all. When our DD was young they actually appreciated having a bolt hole from a screaming baby!

For us it all seems to even out. There are things the boys do with their dad that we just wouldn't, i.e camping, canoeing, while there are things I do with DD they have no interest in.

The boys know that they don't 'have' to go to their dad's no have never felt they were being pushed out because of their sister.

TBH, it's her that misses them more when they go,and can't wait for them to come home

HTH

Thanks for that Peachy - I wouldn't be so concerned re my DS as he is very laid back about things but DD is a different kettle of fish and still gets upset about leaving me - add leaving a baby brother or sister behind in to the equation (Baby's being her most favourite thing ever ) and I foresee problems!

Sorry OP didin't mean to hi jack your thread

barksavingmad

Thanks for your replies so far, it's an interesting subject and probably no one has the right answer, it's just making the final decision isn't it.

And you haven't hijacked the thread thank you for adding to it :0)

peachyprice

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Thanks for that Peachy - I wouldn't be so concerned re my DS as he is very laid back about things but DD is a different kettle of fish and still gets upset about leaving me - add leaving a baby brother or sister behind in to the equation (Baby's being her most favourite thing ever ) and I foresee problems!

Sorry OP didin't mean to hi jack your thread

I think all you can do is let her know she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to. Perhaps once she realises how mundane a new baby brother/sister can be she'll be more than happy to go to dads.

Is you ex likely to be understanding towards her if she doesn't want to go a few times once the baby arrives?

galvanizersbaby

peachyprice wrote: »

I think all you can do is let her know she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to. Perhaps once she realises how mundane a new baby brother/sister can be she'll be more than happy to go to dads.

Is you ex likely to be understanding towards her if she doesn't want to go a few times once the baby arrives?

Yes there is always the reality of actually having a real baby around! - she has been obsessed with babies for the last 2 years and has clearly got a nuturing side to her personality which is nice but she does ask me about babies an awful lot and now her teacher is expecting at school so she is extra interested

Yes her dad would be fine with whatever she wanted to do I would imagine (as long as he got to see her sometimes!)

Anyhow - best I butt out now as there's a few other things to sort before any decisions on babies - thanks for the advice though!

Pee

I think you owe it to your new partner to consider this very carefully, because if you don't try to have children with him, he will never have children of his own.

I think since you both want a baby, go for it. The baby will be an asset to the older children when they grow up. You can never have too many brothers or sisters to turn to for help.

claireac

Hi,

I just wanted to give you my experience.

I've just got married to my partner and we have a 3yr old daughter together. He has a 10yr old daughter from a previous relationship, and I have 2 sons aged 20 and 18 from my previous marriage.

When we got together, I hadn't even considered having any more children. When we decided he would move in with me and my youngest ds (eldest was living with his Dad), we had "the" conversation and decided no more children, then promptly changed our minds when we actually thought it through!

Our dd is rather spoilt for attention! 95% of the time she is an only child as we have sd every Friday night and all day Saturday. Ds1 has left home, and now so has ds2. Everyone visits though, and dd adores all of them. The boys absolutely dote on dd, but sd can take or leave her.

Ds2 used to hold my hair back whilst I was suffering from ms, was at the hospital as soon as poss after I had her and is incredibly close and protective of her. Takes her out, and even used to push her round town in a bright pink buggy with his mates if I needed a baby sitter. He is now the only person to babysit her! Nobody else is allowed.

It's been a fabulous experience, and although I have to work 4 days a week, I wouldn't have missed this for the world. I was very young when I had the boys, and this has been such a different experience.

barksavingmad

Clairac you have honestly made me well up x x x

Thank you so much for your lovely tales I needed to hear that