OHs ex could be limiting access to get more CSA... help please

Blonde_Bint

I hear you ellissa, we have a PWC from hell to. after living it for 10 yrs i've come to the conclusion that she can say and do whatever she wants and no one cares (no authority) weather its right or wrong doesnt come into it.

I've found the best thing to do is to stay away from her. I cant even be in a car and see her through the window anymore. I stay away completely.

I've made allowance after allowance, nothing changes no matter what we try to do. so i've given up now, now i'm playing the waiting game DS will be 16 in 24 months so i'm gritting my teeth until then to see what that date brings i'm an NRPP btw;)

Blonde_Bint

lol, btw just so you know, you dont sound bitter, a bit end of tether perhaps, but not bitter

your oh has the best idea (even though difficult sometimes), keep your mouths shut as much as possible the day when she is out of your life gets a day closer EVERY day:j because a seriously nutcase PWC wont stop at anything and only you know if yours is that.

ellissa

Blond Bint - thank you so much. I think my cry for advice has turned into a bit of my own rant. It makes such a difference to know that someone hears and understands where I'm coming from. It's nice to know we're not the only ones going thru this.
I adore my OH's DD, I love her to bits and I'd do absolutely anything to make her happy. We want the best for her and it pains me to know that no matter what we do, PWC gets in the way of this. How can anyone who does this live with themselves? If the 3 of us worked together then DD could be so much better off. Obviously I'd even stand aside and let PWC and my OH do the parenting and I'd just be there when DD comes to us. In fact I'd even not see DD if that would make things better with her mum. We want to try for a baby this time next year, I fear that this might be the straw which breaks the camels back. Ex will flip and do all she can to spoil the special time for us. She won't even let her DD be a bridesmaid at our wedding next yr unless we keep her overnight with us on our wedding night (my OH had offered to drive her home 30 miles after the wedding breakfast leaving his own wedding!), oh and she is insisting that if DD were to be bridesmaid then she must be allowed to keep DDs dress before the wedding (to trash it probably) and then have it to sell it after! Anyway, getting a bit emotional now so I'll leave it there. My sincere thanks again to you all.

Sorry for going on x

Blob

With or without an Order go for Form C2 and get it back to Court, you dont need a solicitor, go for it! The kid is worth it and will thank you in the fullnes of time. I know I have been there, hurts like hell at the time but when the kids come up and give you a big hug and say " Daddy I love you" the rest of them can go to hell it is worth ALL of the agro and the sh*t that is thrown at you as that is from the heart, theres!

I defye anyone to tell me different, that is unless they are a bitter and twisted PWC, and there are a few on here. To them save your effort as you are not worth one child who loves BOTH parents.

delain

ellissa wrote: »

Blond Bint - thank you so much. I think my cry for advice has turned into a bit of my own rant. It makes such a difference to know that someone hears and understands where I'm coming from. It's nice to know we're not the only ones going thru this.
I adore my OH's DD, I love her to bits and I'd do absolutely anything to make her happy. We want the best for her and it pains me to know that no matter what we do, PWC gets in the way of this. How can anyone who does this live with themselves? If the 3 of us worked together then DD could be so much better off. Obviously I'd even stand aside and let PWC and my OH do the parenting and I'd just be there when DD comes to us. In fact I'd even not see DD if that would make things better with her mum. We want to try for a baby this time next year, I fear that this might be the straw which breaks the camels back. Ex will flip and do all she can to spoil the special time for us. She won't even let her DD be a bridesmaid at our wedding next yr unless we keep her overnight with us on our wedding night (my OH had offered to drive her home 30 miles after the wedding breakfast leaving his own wedding!), oh and she is insisting that if DD were to be bridesmaid then she must be allowed to keep DDs dress before the wedding (to trash it probably) and then have it to sell it after! Anyway, getting a bit emotional now so I'll leave it there. My sincere thanks again to you all.

Sorry for going on x

I really do feel for you and DD and i can sympathise with you on the baby front, i think OH's ex will be in DD's ear saying now they've got a baby they don't have time for you. This kind of behavior from my ex's family was a big factor in me having a termination 2 years ago (even though my children live with me) and there is nothing he wouldn't say to my DD to bring me down in her eyes.

One question i ask: Is DD cared for properly at home?

If your OH is paying for her keep then he has a right to expect her to benefit from this money, and it may be worth mentioning to a solicitor if you feel OH's ex is keeping it for herself.

Have you tried mediation? it isn't very expensive and if OH's ex is just out to grab what she can get with no thought for DD this will come accross and be on official record.

Writing everything down is the best thing you can possibly do, this helped me expose a lot of the lies told by my ex and his family.

and finally: rise above it, don't sink to her level. she may look like she's getting her way now, but her greed will show and she will trip herself up on it in the end.

good luck to you and your DD and the new baby, don't let her put you off

amilotte

Hi Ellisa
I don't have much advice but just wanted to say that its posts like this that go to show that these things go both ways (I am PWC fighting NRP for unpaid maintenance).
All credit to the both of you, you sound brilliant, it is evident that you adore this little girl and that is so lovely to hear. I hope all works out for you all )

caroline83

How sad that this women is willing to hurt her own child for the purpose of a bit of extra cash. Because that is who will suffer the most-the child for being denied contact with her dad.
My kids see their dad weekly and more if they like but he won't pay a penny. Makes me mad when he goes off on holiday's whilst i have to give him money when he takes them out for the day as he's never got any to feed them etc. He threatens not to see them if i go to csa-so it seems we have opposite problems! It would break my kids hearts if they didn't see their dad so i let him get away with paying nothing.
Your oh's ex is lucky her childs got you two who care,pay and want to be involved.
Sorry i can't offer any advice where csa is concerned but i had to post, these kind of situation's where children are used as weapons make me so mad!!

lolaj

Hi Ellissa,

Just wanted to say that I genuinely feel for you as I suffer with much of the same from my partners' Toxic Ex. We're in the same position at the moment whereby she is cleverly witholding contact due to a drop in child maintenance, but of course hasn't admitted this.

We fought for contact to my stepchild for a long time, and it was only granted because SHE decided to tell the Judge she had changed her mind and now believed it could go ahead. Years later, and she continues to manipulate the child using what we believe are PAS tactics (Parental Alienation Syndrome), for her own advantage. My DP is a fantastic father and provides for his child without question, as do I, but still this does not stop this evil creature treating her child like a pawn in her money and mind games.

Your partner needs to apply to the court (as you have already been advised) for a Contact Order (Form C2 which can be downloaded from the internet from your local court website) to at least put some solid access in place. Keep a good record of any payments made for clothing, outings etc and also dates that you have had your stepdaughter, times etc. Present this to the court if need be to show that you are prepared to fight this out.

I'm not sure if this might help you understand the things that these women do, but it's worth Googling "Parental Alienation Syndrome" for a read into the why's and wherefore's.

Good Luck with it all, feel free to PM me if you need some support and a chat x

:beer:

ellissa

Thank you sincerely for everyone's input. Although it is awful that so many of you are in similar situations to ours, it is comforting to know we are not alone and that people do have advice.

Delain - sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. As far as we know, DD is cared for adequately at home. There are many things we don't agree with - the way she is dressed when she comes to us (inappropriate for age in our opinion only, clothing too big or small, shabby - OHs ex often packs clothes that dont match when she knows we are going somewhere. DD reaction - oh no ellissa, they dont match so I'll look silly. My response - never mind, I'm sure mummy just put it in by accident, she wouldn't do it on purpose cos she loves you but it's ok, lets go and buy one that matches).

Inappropriate diet and activity levels for DD at home but then this is all stuff that lots of today's children put up with so maybe we're just being unreasonable because it's not the lifestyle we'd give her.

We don't agree with possessions she has been bought by her mum - hair extensions, make up and hair dyed random colours to go to school, mobile phone (initially her mum called her on it every time we had her and she would sound really down, DD would come off the phone worrying about her mum naturally. Now it is off when she comes to ours). I could go on but you get the message. One really disturbing thing is that DD is going thru a phase of working herself up when she is due to stay at ours, she gets out of bed crying and says she wants to go home. This is only recent. It's heartbreaking for us but I'm sure there is a simple explanation. On 2 occasions we've had to drive her home in the middle of the night to her mum standing smugly on the doorstep saying 'aaahhhhhhhh did you want your mummy? That's a sign of how much we love each other isnt it'. She even did this on a recent holiday. She was desperate to come on hols. We got there, got her to ring her mum to inform her of safe arrival. Mum was asking on the phone not the usual - was it a safe journey, hope youre enjoying it baby. No she was saying do you miss me? How much? Are you looking forward to coming home? And on the phone DD said mum was quiet and sounded sad. So DD goes on all afternoon that her mummy sounded upset and she was worried. Then that night she wakes up crying saying she is so worried about her mummy. That went on all holiday.

Anyway, like I said this is mostly our opinion and I know most people might think I'm blowing it out of proportion. Oh by the way DD could not use a knife and fork properly til we taught her. She has awful table manners and could not tie her laces until we taught her. She did however know how to make cups of tea and coffee - at 6 years old! Thing is, OHs ex spends so much time telling everyone what a great little family they are and what awful people we are that I bet most people believe it. These people don't know us. This lady is very clever. Not worked a day in her life but she is incredibly clever. I met a teacher from DD school recently and was 'not what she expected' apparently. I wonder just what she's been told (and she doesnt even directly teach DD). I'm sure the school have been painted a picture of a neglectful dad and rotten stepmother. For info, OH is not allowed to take/pick DD up from school, attend functions/parents eves etc. We wrote a letter to school requesting copies of all correspondence concerning DD. OH showed ex out of courtesy before sending it. The reaction was 'send it and never see her again, I've done it once'.

Amilotte - thanks for your kind words. Very much appreciated.

Charlotte83 - hats off to you for putting your kids first and not dwelling on your ex's faults (though he should be financially supporting his kids). My OH's DD is being used as a weapon and this is fundamentally wrong - what kind of mother could ever do that? The truth is I really believe OHs ex thinks she is doing right by her DD. But then saying that, why would what she is doing be in the best interests of DD? God, I don't get it!

Lolaj - sorry to hear youve gone thru it too! As for court / mediation... and this is going to sound so wet and pathetic.... we've discussed it and OH just does not dare do it. He is so scared of ex and what she could do. He also worries what impact it will have on DD, not because of the process but because of his ex poisoning her mind. And YES people I know DD has her own mind but DD told the courts my OH did things that were proven to be false. DD has lied to support her mum, she thinks this is normal behaviour. How can we overcome this kind of behaviour? However, we are still discussing this (court) because I firmly believe we should not be scared of her as her behaviour will be uncovered eventually.

Oh goodness, I'm going off again arent I? Sorry, just can't really cope with it all and it all comes out on here. I suppose this is my outlet. What kind of life is this to live in fear of how an ex could ruin your life and take away something so precious... not just by limiting contact but by filling her head with rubbish. Honestly...'why didnt you come and get me last week daddy' 'because mummy said I wasnt allowed sweetheart' 'why do you say lies daddy, you forgot me because you were too busy sorting out your new life' SERIOUSLY what kind of 8 yr old (just) naturally comes out with a statement like that without hearing it from elsewhere?

Right, gonna stop here - not even going to try to conclude cos I'll start going on again. Sincere thanks. We are still discussing how to handle this as a couple. I'll post again soon.

ellissa

Just read my post back again, this is not really about CSA/access anymore - I'm now just ranting. Sorry.

Also googled PAS - lolaj I think you may have hit the nail on the head.

Once again thank you all and NRPs/NRPPs in our position, keep trying for the good of your children. And to all the many wonderful PWCs out there - this is not a rant at you - I know most of you guys have only the best interests of your kids at heart and do a wonderful job. Just wish OHs ex was more like that x