Piddled off with my parents.

abby1234519

Hi!
Been a few months since I was on this forum. I headed off to France at the end of April as some of you might know, but I came home a month later as the family was nasty, BUT it was the best thing I ever did because I know where I am going in life but thats not the point of this thread I just didn't want to post out of the blue if that makes sense.

Right

I came back end of May have been living with my Grandparents, two roads away from the parents. About a week after I arrived in the town Dad came over, asked if I wanted to go for a walk. Said okay, am close to my daddy (yes I am 20 and yes I call him that!) so we got in the car and drove off to the fells. About an hour into walking and talking about me goingto university and things he announced he and mum were seperating and they should never have gotten married (they only got married as she got pregnant with me!) as she never has loved him (she has denied this to me) and that he wants to be happy. I have 3 siblings, 6 10 and 12 by the way. So okay...a month later, he has left and moved to a town 10 miles away (I think its that distance) into a sort of cottage/house. I like it, it does NEED a clean however especially the slug mark on the floor that he squashed. I think he will be happier away from mum because I don't believe they are compatible. I sort of thought they might seperate, they have been stressed for years, since my siblings came along,once my siblings came along I turned into a horrible !!!!! of a child and then teenage and when I left at 18 they breathed a sigh of relief. I was NASTY, but to be fair there were reasons for that ,bullying rejection etc but really I was horrible. I didn't think it would actually happen, I am incredibly emotional keep bloody crying for no reason, nurse friend thinks I should head off to the doctors and see if I am depressed. How can you judge that though, I don't want to be a hypochondriac.

SO I am very worried...firstly dad hasn't sorted 2007/2008 tax year out, he is and was self employed. 2007 to 2008 was his business which is wrapped up but he never does his paperwork, hes lost money for not properly invoicing, I think he gets too bogged down with stress and does what I do, which is ignores some of it. Either way he has to produce this before end of July or they have to pay all credits back from April this year to now. So half each... Mum is now getting benefits for her and 3 kids, not working. She has always budgetted so she WILL be fine, she is pushing her emotions to the side as usual, dads upset because shes acting "fine" trying to help him move out, she bought him a set of kitchen knives....because apparently everyone needs a good set of kitchen knives.... that annoys him because he just apparently wants to cut loose start afresh. He moved into a 3 bed house so he can have the kids to stay, but that won't be for a while he has no furniture and it isn't suitable. He refused to let me put away things in the kitchen because apparently he has been controlled in the marriage and wants to do it himself, he doesn't know how to cook but that is because mum doesn't let people help her. She likes to be in control. But its upsetting me because I am not my mother and I want to help him. But I am struggling to find ways to...I cleaned the fridge because his nan has recently died and he has managed to get some of her furniture from scotland so however horrible it sounds, her death sort of happened at the right time when he moved out (she was blooming old, shes been ancient for YEARS, shes outlived everyone...apart from us but you get the point). So he let me do that. Now I know he is stressed I shouldn't push him but I have a couple of times and he says I am emotionally blackmailing him by crying but I am not, it just sometimes happens, one word makes me just LEAK WATER FROM MY EYES!!I don't exactly cry I just flood and don't move! He probably gets abut £1500 a month I think after tax maybe I don't know, but I am so worried. It is enough to live on but I don't know if he can budget, he always said to me that I should learn to budget but I haven't ever seen evidence of it. He must have about £18000 debt in his business account I don't know how it works its just someone said it like that so it would make sense to me. He does need help....he needs someone to be his bookkeeper because he doesn't really do it...he isn;t organised. He has a degree in accountancy and I know hes done AAT, either 1 or 2, def not 3 as he isn't an accountant. But I feel I should study it part time whilst doing my degree. Because I want to help him. I don't want my father dying of a heart attack at 50 (9 years time) because it sorta has run through the family, graddad died at 64 from cancer (also runs) and his step mum is rather wobbly as she has Huntingdons. Hes no longe her attourney thing, my mum is!!! And thats not fair on mum!!! But that is a social services issue.

I am deadly serious though, I don't believe my dad is going to get happier being in that house, he won't have time to be happier (self employed sort of works for another man gas technician). His boss wil retire in 3 years (when I finish uni) and he has offered for dad to take over the business. Dad doesn't have brilliant people skills, he BELIEVES he does but he doesn't because he is hot tempered like me, I am just a bit more subtle. Dad isn't, I'm exactly like my father by the way. I swear mum isn't my real mum I have no characteristics. I am the fathers side of the family through and through, probably why mum and i never got on. So Dad has had two plumbing companies over the last 5/6 years, each been wound up, once because he moved, and then secondly he made bad decisions. His boss would be handing him a ready made business. We live in an area FULL of hotels which is his clientele and it will always be a tourist attraction place. Full of japanese tourists, its their favourite place in the UK, something to do with Beatrix Potter. But I am so worried that in 3 years time dad will do the same thing and ruin another business. Previous mistakes include being owed £6000 as he didn't do all the proper paperwork and the guy ran off to Thailand. And there was a £3000 incident. This WILL keep happening. He needs to do the manual part etc of the business and let it be run by someone else. Now I have worked in sales, I can get new business, I am prepared to learn AAT and bookeeping. Not for me but because I love my father so so much, I mean I really do, more than anyone, I look to him for examples and its not always a good one.
It would really hurt him if he knew that I thought he wasn't capable of running a business. I mean he used to work in the finance industry in London earning £80,000+ I know that because he told me he earned more than that. He quit, apparently because mum said, and then hates her for that I think. He then went to uni to do maths masters but quit because he got stuck on calculus. He got disheartened and decided he couldn't do it....should have stuck with it but its a family trait not to...He went for a job interview recently I think for computers but of course they didn't accept him!! Hes 41, they want young hip people, not people in ill fitting suits. He thought he looked smart but he doesn't anymore. Gone are the tailored suits.

I love my father so much, I am really crying writing this. Its sort of a rant, or all the things I just keep thinking. I do want to help him, he won't accept help because he is too proud. I want him to be happy I want him to love life, and he hasn't for a long time. He is disheartened with life and he lives 200 miles from our family friends who coincidentally are wonderful people and who I miss so much. He keeps making mistakes and so do I! Its like I am repeating his. BUT I recognise that enough is enough. He gets on a high, then makes a decision "Oh I can do this and be a success!!" He doesn't really have anyone to talk to apart from his family and the family friends I mentioned. He is lonely and stressed and I don't know what to do. Sorry if this doesn't make sense but I am beating myself up about it. I have given him space, he knows and appreciates it. But I want to kick him in the goolies and tell him to be a straight line not a messy scribble.

Urgh.
Parents.

Emmzi

babes, sorry for your situation. That is one giant post! You are welcome to all the hugs you can handle, but what do you want advice about? It's a little hard to work it out.
xx

abby1234519

Emmzi wrote: »

babes, sorry for your situation. That is one giant post! You are welcome to all the hugs you can handle, but what do you want advice about? It's a little hard to work it out.
xx

I have absolutely no idea what I want advice about! I guess I just don't know whether I should help my father. He needs to be helped though. Past evidence. I just haven't had anyone to talk to about it, I don't have any friends since I left Harrogate, can't wait for uni but I am worried

Emmzi

ok. Well, your dad is a grown man. He needs time to come to terms with his decisions. And hard as it is, you can't actually do anything - just be a sounding board, let him know you care, and call lots.

Sometimes the toughest thing to do is accept that there isn't much you can do...

pretzelnut

All you can do is offer to help, if he refuses it there isnt much you can do apart from letting him know your there.

He's a man and they arent very good at accepting help at the best of times. After being in a loveless relationship fpr such a long time i wouldnt be surprised if he went of the rails for a while, whilst he tries to find out who he is and where he stands in the world.

buxtonrabbitgreen

Being a parent myself, I would be very annoyed if my children started telling me what to do.
Leave him to sort himself out. Tell him you are willing to help in any way, if he wants you to.
But other than that I should just leave him to it. It sounds as if he thinks he has been bossed around long enough.

never_enough

Gosh, had quite a shock there, read your post expecting your dad to be in his 60s, but no he's 41. And you're all grown up-wow!
It's hard, but you need to step back a bit & let him get on with things. You're stressed, he is too, let him find his feet a little. Doesn't mean you can't meet/talk/e-mail but it'll be better all round. You need to get yourself together for starting uni, so you can hit the ground running. That's the most important thing. Don't worry about doing extra studies to help his business in the future, that's really not your problem, no matter how much you think it is. I tend to try to 'mother' my father, it drives him really, really potty so I speak from experience!

louise540056

All you can do is be there if he needs you- but let him get on with his own life! And if I were you I would stop all the negative talk- I'm not surprised he never finishes anything if he is constantly told he is rubbish and will fail. I think you should be a loving daughter, but try to stay out of his business a bit more (sorry if that sounds harsh- I don't mean it to xxx)

foreign_correspondent

your dad is only a young chap really at 41 - I am 35 and often find myself to be the 'youngster' on the teams I work in! He will get back on track, he just needs to get back into the swing of things - he will be fine I am sure.

Have you thougt of pointing him in the direction of MSE to sort out his finances? Men, in general, hate to think they are being helped, especially by females, and especially by a young. competent girl such as yourself, who also happens to be his daughter - it dents their macho ego.

He needs to feel in control, and perhaps he needs to feel he can be independant and look after you, not vice versa?

Perhaps you could help him without being too obvious - leave the computer on, with MSE on it a few times (not with you logged in obviously!) :-)

Basically, you have to let him get on with it though, but perhaps boost his ego a bit - tell him what he does look nice in, and praise any little jobs he does on the house!

Dont worry too much though, get organised for uni and sort your own stuff out - it will set a good example to your dad!

lizziem_2

Hi

You need to look after yourself too. You sound like this whole thing has had a massive effect on you. Have you thought about counselling? It does sound like you need someone you can talk to and vent out your feelings. I think it is important that you look after yourself, otherwise you will not be able to help your dad.

I agree with the other posters that you won't be able to help in his business. I have had similar experiences with other people, the more they perceive you as 'nagging' or 'controlling' (even though you never mean to do this, you are only doing it through love) the more they will resist following your advice, even if that means cutting off their nose to spite their face. The only thing you can do is advise and then leave it, maybe he will come to your way of thinking in his own time.

As for doing extra studies, I would advise against that. Doing a degree is hard work and it costs so much now, it is important to concentrate on that and get a good mark.

I think the best thing for now is to try and spend time being happy with your dad. Do things you both enjoy. You have both been through a very stressful time and need to be gentle with yourselves and each other. Try not to think or talk about stressful topics like his business. Maybe you could plan a holiday together to visit those family friends?

abby1234519

Thank you all by the way, I do agree with you, I don't want to meddle because thats what mum is like

Its just sometimes he hints he'd like me involved and then when I try to help I'm told NO!

I think I'll just leave it. I was there at his today, waiting for Sky man whilst dad was at work and I tidied the kitchen but nothing else