What would you do?

loupee

Hi,
I'll try and keep this as short as possible.
My younger sister (now 20) and myself shared a flat from Aug 08 to Feb 09 and throughout that time made everything as difficult as possible. She moved through from Edinburgh a week after I moved into our new flat in Glasgow, and she got a job fairly quickly working in bar. However she quickly went full-time to 10 hours a week, if she was lucky! Always full of excuses "I got sent home ill" etc, as I worked in a restaurant she pretended to be at work when I was out, but I caught her out on a number of occasions by getting my boyfriend to phone the flat when I was out and she was claiming to be working! She was still claiming to be working despite the fact I had found a p45 from her employer dated a month previously.
So of course asisde from August I didnt receive a penny off her for rent or bills. I managed o muddle through for a bit, but just couldn't afford it, in the middle of November I told her she had one month to find somewhere else to live, and she agreed. But on the date in december she said as her name was on the lease it had to be the landlord that evicted her, I realised I'd acted with haste. So I was on the phone to the landlord, and we both got served our 2 months notice to quit. She also agreed that in February she would sign a new lease with myself and my boyfriend. So all seemed to be working out. 2 day before we were due to sign the new lease I lost my job, this was particularly hard hitting as we had to come up with a new deposit as the old one went towards outstanding rent.
So on the date she was due to move out I was in a cleaning frenzy as my landlord was coming. At 12 noon, I knocked on my sisters door to find she was still in bed, when I asked about her plans her answer was 'I dont know' then she got dressed and left the flat. The landlord was due at 4pm, at 2pm I went into her room, and it was a bombsite! So me and boyfriend started packing things into cases and black bags, piled them in the hall, and set about cleaning the room. We had no idea where she was, after much panicking and calls to my step-mum (that is another story, but trust me it was a last resort calling her) she eventually showed up and said she had nowhere to go as the HA didnt have anywhere for her. My step-mum agreed she could stay there for a few nights
Over the next couple of days I was in bad way (I have suffered from depression for a while anyway-again anoher story!) but threw myself into looking for a new job and got on JSA.
Then a week ater she left I got a call from my step-mum accusing me of letting my sister stay with me (she is twisted), it turned out she had gone missing again, hours after my step-mum paid a deposit for a flat for her and reckoned I'd let her move back in with me - I hadnt - and I had no idea where she was.
The next thing I hear she has been given emergency accommodation from the HA is on JSA, HB and CTB. She cut both me and my older sister out completely, even removing us from her face book and bebo.
As my brother-in-law is still on her face book we have a nosy from time to time. She is still in her emergency accomodation, has got her self 2 cats, a new black berry phone, 2 new tattoos, followed her beloved band PCD around the country and just left for a 3 week trip to Ohio, how? I have no ides. Me and my boyfriend are still trying to pay off the outstanding bills she left me with and slowly getting there.
But I am so angry, ok and I'll admit it jealous, I havent been on a night out in 6 months, I do feel for as she is my sister, but I also resent her big time. She will not answer the phone to me, or respond to any letters. I have written to tell her I still care for her, but would appreciate some help with the mess she caused.
Sorry about it being so long, just had to get it out!

loupee

sorry wasnt short at all, couldn't find a way to condense it further - this is it condensed!

dieselhead

I'm not really too sure what you are asking? What would I do? Probably feel the same as you do, resentment, jealousy, angry, betrayed, but don't know what you can do other than put it down to experience and put it behind you.

I like you am very confused at how she can afford, her cats, holidays etc. Do you suspect her of fraud?

loupee

I accidentily posted this in the wrong place, meant to put it in families!
I know I should put it behind me - think thats what I'm struggling with the most, sometimes feel I should be more compassionate, I know she hasn't had it easy.
I don't know about the fraud, I just have no idea where she gets the money from!
Just wanted to vent I guess

epsilondraconis

If I were you I would forget the money side of things for now. I think it is probably clear that if you bring up the topic of money with her (either the debt she left you or where she has obtained the current money), something is likely to hit the fan and things will kick off.

Try to look at the things that you have. A BF, a level head on your shoulders, compassion for trying to have a relationship with your sister. Is that not worth more than a few hundred pounds?

Perhaps you should simply text her to ask how she is and how things are going. Make it simple and non controversial.

Okay at the moment she has, what appears to be a nice carefree life. She follows her band, she has her cats, new tattoos, trip to Ohio. The fact is that cicumstances change as you grow up and people invariably have to become more responsible.

I guess you could ask what she wants out of life. Perhaps she is happy with her hand-to-mouth existence. It sounds as though you want more from life than this and your actions exhibit this perfectly.

I think it's always easy to look at other people and think that they have the easy life. As a result we think to ourselves, if they can have that, so can I. People then start spending beyond their means to live the lifestyle they believe they should have.

You have learnt a valuable lesson with your sister. Perhaps hand her an olive branch by sending her a text / giving her a call just to ensure that she is okay. If she doesn't want to know then perhaps give it some time.

I think I would forget about the money. You're unlikely to get any from your sister. Perhaps in future she will learn to pay her debts, perhaps she won't. Whatever happens, she is old enough to make those decisions and old enough to understand that people will feel resentful if she continues to take advantage of them. In future I guess you will be mindful of getting yourself into a difficult financial situation because of someone else.

Although it sounds as though you didn't actually lend any money to your sister, I think the following Shakespeare quote is still relevant.

"Lend money to a friend and you lose both, money and friend."

Good luck anyway.

kadiya

Hey
I can completely nuderstand your feelings towards your sister.
Sometimes, family really suck, especially when you pull out all the stops for them and just get it thrown back in your face.
Can you tell I'm talking from personal experience??LOL
It is hard to just deny your emotions towards her, and I'm not going to even suggest that you do.
For now, you need to be angry with her, because of the way she treated you, had other people treat and then still came out of the s**t smelling like roses.
But I promise that given time, you will learn aceptance and move on, knowing you wont allow yourself to be treated badly in this way again.
You will learn to recognise her for what she is...a human being, who has flaws and a lot to learn, just like the rest of us are. It's harder when it's family because we tend to have a certain level of expectation for them
How are things going on the money front for you?Did you manage to find somewhere to live?

Breast_Cancer_Survivor

[QUOTE=loupee;22784091

and just left for a 3 week trip to Ohio, how? [/QUOTE]

I was of the impression that you couldn't go abroad on holiday whilst claiming JSA or your benefits would stop as the requirements of JSA are for you to be actively seeking work.

kadiya

Unfortunately survivor, thats not strictly true.
You can take a "signing on" holiday, and as long as you can make up an excuse to justify it, they allow you to do this twice a year.
You then have to go for an interview when you get back to make sure you still ARE looking for work and that you really need to sign on.

Breast_Cancer_Survivor

kadiya wrote: »

Unfortunately survivor, thats not strictly true.
You can take a "signing on" holiday, and as long as you can make up an excuse to justify it, they allow you to do this twice a year.
You then have to go for an interview when you get back to make sure you still ARE looking for work and that you really need to sign on.

I thought you could only go on holiday in the UK though, im curious myself as id luv to take my kids on holiday but thought id lose the right to my benefits.

SuziQ

Reading through the lines,she has a history of irresponsibilty. Even in your own post,she dropped you in it, turned nasty and then you still allowed her to sign a new lease with you and your b/f,plus your step-mum took the risk of paying a deposit for her despite knowing the mess she left you in. You all seem to be a little guilty of 'enabling' her-by making things too easy for her. Hopefully you will have all learnt your lesson now and will adapt a tough love approach and let her get on with it. Strikes me she will wait until she is in a mess again before she gets in touch-and if you haven't learnt anything from your current circumstances and the real and understandable feelings of hurt,you will feel sorry for her - again-and clear it all up again.
If it was me I would sleep easy at night,knowing I had done everything I possibly could to help her. But I WOULD NOT do it all over again,and as other posters have said,take comfort from the fact you are a much more capable person than she is,am in a loving relationship and capable of supporting yourself and living a responsible life. She sounds rather inadequate and immature to me.