solicitor and access

furby-2003

at the moment my ex is in prison he and his family have seen my son but not on a very regular basis. I like this arrangement as id rather him not be involved at all if i can help it. my ex is not bothered but his parents are.

i hear of loads of people seeing thier kids every week or weekend and this would be such an upheavel as we are trying to get on with our lives as a family.

ive had a letter from my solicitor to look over to send to my exs family to try and stop thier "when ever they feel like" routine. but im afriad this will turn in to too regular and upset my family routine.

the bit im concerned about is thatit says my sons is into a good routine and i want them to be part of it. but this is not exactly true. id rathers they would dissapear.

what should i do

furby-2003

p.s can you leave a child in a will to another family member?

Bossyboots

Your son has the right to see his extended family, they have no rights to see him.

If you prevent him seeing them now, it could all backlash against you in the future. I am not being horrible, but your post sounds rather selfish worrying about upsetting your family routine but maybe thats just the way the written word is coming across. They are his grandparents and unless they have done something terrible in the past, it seems rather mean and petty to stop them seeing their grandchild because of your "routine".

I do agree that it should be planned and structured and I understand what you mean about being too regular but I would have thought you could come to some agreement that suited everybody and gave your son the chance to get to know and build a relationship with his grandparents.

Bossyboots

furby-2003 wrote:

p.s can you leave a child in a will to another family member?

That made me chuckle but I think I know what you mean.

You can, and indeed it is sensible to, appoint a guardian for your child through your will.

Does your ex have parental responsibility? If so, this would take precedence over the will so he could have the child to live with him instead of the guardian. If he doesn't have PR then he would have to ask the court to award him residence in opposition to the will and in those circumstances it is very likely that the wishes of the mother will be upheld.

furby-2003

he doesn't need them all. they fill him full of e's when he's there. he doesn't even want to see his dad. it tears my relationship apart whenever they show up. Hes never paid a penny and has never even tried to contact my son. you ask him who his dad is and he'll say exactly who my partner.

I know im bitter and i know id like to run away. id like to be like my mom and dad and live a normal happy life. if my son knew his dads past he'd know why im doing this. Ive never stopped them from seeing him god knows id love to. his dad could never!! have a decent influence on him he can have just as good a life with me and partner and him like every other child.

sorry but ive had an emotional day (car accident)

furby-2003

i never want him to ever have my son if anything happened to me.

at the moment he doesnt have parental responsibilty, but i know this can change

Bossyboots

It is tough and I am sorry for your bad day. I had an accident last year and it does knock you for six.

If the grandparents aren't going to respect how you raise your child then to me, that takes away the "right" to be with them. It was something I always insisted on, even in a stable marriage and regular contact with grandparents, that they had to abide by my rules. This meant no sugar in hot drinks, restricted sweets and just little things like that which were disciplines instilled at home which I expected anyone looking after them to adhere to. I can understand then your reluctance.

However, no matter what you child thinks now, there could come a time when he resents you for not allowing him to see his grandparents and for not allowing him to develop a relationship with his dad. No matter how irrational it sounds, I have seen this happen so many times and my friend now has his children living with him because they blame their mum for trying to destroy their relationship.

You need to try to work out how things can progress without upsetting the balance but without putting yourself in the position of being the bad guy, either now or in the future. Your partner also needs to understand that your son does have a dad and therefore other grandparents. Why do you say he does not need them all. My children have always enjoyed finding out about their ancestors and what life was like in days gone by from their grandparents. I think you should try to compromise on them seeing the grandparents but it must be with the stipulation that they abide by rules you set and that includes what he can and can't eat and drink. I would also go for one strike and they are out so that if he comes back having been given forbidden substances, you withdraw contact.

Without PR and with a prison record, your ex is unlikely to be in a position to be awarded residence if anything happened to you but I do think it is imperative that you make a will and appoint a guardian as soon as possible for your peace of mind. This would leave your ex having to prove he should have residence and he will have to have a stable home, be financially able to provide for the child and show the child is better of with him. I do not think that likely from what you have said.

Bossyboots

furby-2003 wrote:

i never want him to ever have my son if anything happened to me.

at the moment he doesnt have parental responsibilty, but i know this can change

It can only change if you sign a PR agreement or he applies to the court for PR. Based on what you have said, it is unlikely a court will grant it, at least for the foreseeable future and certainly not while he is in prison.

furby-2003

im so scared to be honest. i keep reading and reading the letter and more and more dont want to send it and think well im moving house and changing numbers i could be long gone and live happily ever after as it were. we are so different to my ex's family. we are positive, law abiding, save for everything, we all have a very good educational background. his dad was just an imiture mistake i and my family will have to live with for as long as i know now. all because of 1 stupid mistake i made when i was young and foolish. I would never say my sons a mistake, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. he's the brightest one at school he's so intellegent and has great conversation with adults and peers. im frightend that this will be upset if his life gets too disrupted. he sat down and told me the other day. i dont like (_) he throws me around. and that came right out the blue. we love him dearly and want the best for him. all you ever want is for your child to do well at school and be polite and caring. he is and i want it to stay that way. i get upset ever time he goes, it's like i have no control

Bossyboots

I was just coming back to make a point about your son's feelings in all this (my daughter borrowed my computer for a bit). How old is your son?

If he has a problem when he goes and he does not want to, then you can respect that. If he has an unpleasant time when he goes then he shouldn't see them.

I know where you are coming from with not wanting them to spoil the child he has become but you need to tread carefully so that they cannot throw accusations back that you just didn't want him to see them. You must take into account how your son feels though. A court certainly would if it got that far but be careful not to put words into his head or put him in a position of conflicting loyalties. That way, you will be able to honestly say that is how he feels, he does not want to go, he does not like it when he goes to see them.

As far as the letter goes, have you told your solicitor that in fact you would prefer them not see him and that your son is not happy when he goes. You do not have to approve the letter going out as it is. Your solicitor though has all the facts and details and may feel this is the best way of handling the situation. It does however give them leverage later on if contact does not take place as they will say that you are not sticking to what was said in the letter. Speak to your solicitor again and tell him/her what you have posted here and see what they advise.

furby-2003

he's 5 and very opinionated jusy like my partner!!... :-)

my solicitor told me because of his attitiude this letter may be giving him the rope to hang himself with as it were. but i know his parents will be the ones to puch him into anything. if it was just him i was dealing with this wouldn't even be an issue.