Getting married for the wrong reasons

I'm_a_sock

I’m in a situation where my boyfriend (who I’ve been with long enough to get know very well and who I trust cares about me) has almost been offered a secondment to Las Vegas for three years. It’ll be paid for by his company (though he may have to rent out/sell his flat) and he’ll be compensated with a wage almost twice as much as what he’s currently earning.

He doesn’t want to go unless I’m with him, even though it’s a fantastic opportunity for him, but the company has said I can’t go with him unless we’re married.

I’m not ready for a marriage but I don’t want to split up or have him miss this opportunity. Additionally I would love to go too but cannot get a visa off my own merit through immigration.

We have therefore been talking about hypothetically getting married and going for it. This would allow me to have a working visa and would mean the company he works for would give us bigger accommodation in LV. I wouldn’t be able to get a job until I’d lived in the US for about 3 months but I could cope with that sort of holiday and we could live off his wage and my savings (I wouldn’t like to be in a situation where I was solely reliant on him but he would pay for the bills and other living expenses with his higher wage) for that long.

So, although this is all hypothetical, particularly as there is another possible candidate for the job and we don’t know who the company will choose, what are the problems with getting married for this reason.

We’re not ready for a marriage and so at this point we’d merely be obtaining the legal marriage certificate in order to allow me to go with him. Then, if we felt ready to do it properly somewhere down the line we would have a big ceremony to include all our family and friends and that one, though not legally binding, would be the ‘proper’ wedding.

I would quite like to have a version of a pre-nuptial before we did all this but don’t know how to go about it. I’d want it to say something like

‘If this marriage doesn’t work out then…
Whatever was his is his and whatever is hers is hers. Everything else shall be split depending on the contribution made to the price by each party. Additionally, if she (me) can’t get work in America but after discussion they (we) both decide to have her (me) stay out there, thus her (me) not being able to save money and to the detriment of her career progress then there should be some small financial support from him on their return to England. Additionally, neither party is allowed to contest the divorce application for the first three years with this clause being reviewed at the end of each of the first 3 years’

It would have more detail and would need some serious discussion but could the boyf and I draw it up then ‘make it legal’ by getting a solicitor to look it over?

Additionally how hard is it to get a divorce? If the conditions are outlined in the ‘pre-nup’ then I’m hoping that even if the potential break up is bad then we’d still be able divorce relatively amicably .

To be honest I can’t imagine us breaking up but I’m pretty young and things change and I want us to both feel ok if things don’t work out.

Goodness that was a longer post than I intended. I hope none of you would judge me badly for potentially getting married for these reasons but if this can work then it’ll happen. If it’s a bad idea with too many complications we’ll just put the thought out of our minds and hope that the opportunity arises again a few years down the line when we’re more ready for marriage.

Tondella

I think that honestly most people get married for an assortment of reasons, love may be the main factor, but there are also more practical issues of being ready for commitment, wanting to settle down and start a family etc.

I'm not sure how your partners firm can insist you are married, presumably they mean that support with accommodation etc are entitlements only accorded to married couples? Is there anyway you can live with your OH in LV independently of his firm? ie pay your own air fare and visa arrangements etc?

If marriage is the only practical way then i would ask yourself why you don't feel ready for marriage yet? If you can pinpoint that feeling down. That might give you a better basis for your decision. As for the pre-nup, I think that you and OH need to have a series of discussions about what your potential marriage means to you both, and to discuss what both of you would consider suitable for a pre-nup.

I hope all turns out well for you.

mr218

whatever you do, dont hold him back. that will cause more resentment. maybe you need to question yourself what marriage means to both of you.

if marriage is a meeting of minds and spirit and something to be celebrated with family and friends, you might feel that you are not ready for it yet.

on the other hand , marriage is just a legal convenience (at this present moment) a means to an end.

are you living together now and how would you describe him as a partner in the fullest sense of the word.
both of you are keen to go to vegas. this is a wonderful opportunity. but he has a job and you have to find one. would you be happy being there without your family and friends and without a job initially. will that make you very unhappy and will you be able to cope with small misgivings and frustrations easily.

are you willing to accept that you will end up as a divorced woman even though you never really 'married'
do you want a religious wedding and woudl you regard that as a 'proper' wedding?


in your situation, i would go. i would apply for a marriage licence and get a couple of witnesses in the registrar's office to sign it for you and make it as official and unromantic as possible. meanwhile also do a pre -nup stating that in the event of a divorce both partners would revert back to the state in which they joined the marriage. also, enquire about whether you can get it annulled and what hte timescales are for getting an annullment.

it can be done. ask yourselves what you want. I would not tell your friends and family about this marriage. eventually you might decide to part from each other and if you have a clean breakup it may not be traumatic.

good luck and let us know what you decide

jenniferpa

As I believe the OP has discovered based on her post it will not be possible for her to get a US visa unless she is married to her BF. The one issue I would raise is if, even if she married her BF, whether the visa that would be offered would infact entitle her to work. It is entirely possible that such a visa would simply be one that allowed residency, not employment. It's not even certain that a spouse's visa would be forthcoming. I assume the BF would enter on an E1 visa, while a spouse would have to go into the F2 lottery. If the company was going a different route, and using a different visa, there are even more complications. The whole thing is fraught with difficultly, although I assume that the company in question would provide the necessary assistance. If all these things can be sorted out, I would say go for it, provided you really want to live in the states. Having been a resident alien here (US) for more than 20 years I'm still not sure I made the right decision but others take to it like a duck to water.

Jennifer

Dora_the_Explorer_5

You have quite a dilemma, which I think boils down to:
do you wish to enter into a marriage of convenience or
do you wish to marry becuase of total emotional committment in the face of all odds?
I think the fact that you've posted shows you're very uncertain, not a good foundation for an emotional relationship of any kind.
Sorry if this is a bit blunt - didn't think whaffling on would help you.

I'm_a_sock

Thanks for your replies everyone.

My boyfriend is a civil servant and would get a diplomat visa. As his wife I could get a diplomat's spouse working visa but would still need to find a job (and I’ve not been out of university long thus have only 18months of real work experience).

It would, at this stage, be a marriage of convienience. As mr218 said i would want nothing romantic about it. We've discussed the issue of telling people and have agreed to tell some family and friends under secrecy if this happens because if we don't we'll end up having to lie to too many people and don't feel comfortable in doing do. I suspect my parents will think it's a great opportunity and will understand that it would not be a romantic thing. We have said if we make it then we could have a proper ceremony to include friends etc when we get back.

I think to make this work I’ll need the pre-nup (or whatever we'll end up calling it). That way certain aspects will be laid out and not quibbled over.

Unfortunately this is all still hypothetical. Boyf's boss still hasn't confirmed whether he has the job and we know there is someone else who is being considered, but again, someone with a partner but not a wife!

jenniferpa

Ah well that's an entirely different kettle of fish vis a vis the visas (try saying that 3 times quickly). Would there be any restrictions on the type of work you could do? The diplomatic corp has a reputation about suitable work for wives, although I don't know if it's justified. Unfortunately a lot of the work in Vegas is in and around the gaming industry, which may or may not be considered suitable.

Jennifer

Dora_the_Explorer_5

It would probably be wise to find out whether pre nuptial agreements have any legal standing in the UK.